First directions help needed

You have been a very very weak man. You say you never loved your wife but had 3 children to her. Perhaps that makes your daughter feel unloved????

I have always told my daughters that I loved their father and they were born out of love and thaat the reason he chooses not to see them now is because he has "issues that one day hopefully he will be able to deal with".

As Pete says, mum wont be in a great emotional state at the moment and she wont feel good knowing that the man she married and gave birth to his 3 children never loved her!

Like me you stayed in a marriage for the sake of the kids, like me you were unhappy, but unlike me I have never told the kids and unlike me I would never have left for another person.

Think of the bigger picture now, including your wife because at the end of the day she is the one left bringing up your children whilst you have the loving support of your girlfriend.

Remember - what goes around comes around - please please think of the damage you have left behind you

It was a direct answer to a direct question. We were together because her infertility proved to be not so and 3 months into dating I was gonna be dad. I was shocked but did the right thing- which was the wrong thing. I tried to make it work. Making it work is a lonely existence but I lived and loved for my kids, ..

I just need to figure out how to mend things and move on

your daughter is at a vulnerable age (13), she needs stability and support for all the emotions she is going through (I have 3 girls, I know). children of that age are pretty selfish and self centred and have enough on their plates without having to cope with mum and dads emotions.

I love my daughters with a vengeance and would never intentionally hurt them. Their dad has hurt them, but I would never ever say anything bad about him, because he is their dad, half of their genes and I hope one day they have a relationship with him. But that ball is in his court.

What I do know is that without him around they are happier than with him as I am.

I don''t know what you can do, maybe just continue with loving texts occasionally, direct debit pocket money into your daughters account and just hope maybe one day she will come round and have some kind of relationship with her.

But to be honest, dissing her mother....well I wouldn''t hold your breath. I know that if anyone said anything bad about me, anyone at all, my girls would react just as your daughter has.

Somuch

Im not at all sure how you are going to sort this out and mend the bridges with your children but it may be a long time coming.

My ex told myself and both of our children that he had never loved me and had lived a lie for 19 years. Our daughter was 18 and son 15 at the time he left. Daughter hasnt spoken to her dad for four years, son is in contact but has only seen his dad three times in that time.

With those few words he took away everything they believed in, their childhood, their memories and the happy times, swept away with five words ''Ive never loved your mum''.

You say you didnt love your wife from the beginning but stayed because of your first child (yep my ex told our daughter that as well, she blames herself for everything). However, you went on to have two more children?

How you felt within your marriage is one thing, you stayed that was your choice. Your children probably had different memories. You left and changed their lives forever they had no choice.

Something I have learnt over the last four years is the power of empathy, putting yourself into another persons situation and understanding their feelings and emotions. Their situation is different to yours and they see the whole thing from a completely different perspective, try to understand them and why they feel how they do.

Asram

She wanted the truth- I felt I owed her that. I never slagged her off but we were never the happy couple she told my daughter we were. She rewrote our history which made giving honest answers hard. "I''ll explain one day when you are older" wasn''t good enough for her- I am the bad guy no matter what so she may as well have the truth? Maybe not. My youngest wants me in her life so she is who I will continue to fight for.

Anyway- It was hurtful, and I know that, I just need to hope there is a realisation that it wasn''t intentional and I''m trying the best I can

your wife didnt conceive the 2 other children by herself...........

Mmm - how to mess up a teenager

1. Leave the mother by having affair
2. Tell the teenager you had never loved her mother and as such all of her life so far has been a sham. Who should the teenage girl trust - the Dad that lied and cheated and not only took away her future emotional security but her past memories - really how can she trust anyone?
3. Let your girlfriend send childish, hurtful,sarcastic texts (and not aplogies on her behalf?).

4. Have I missed anything?

I know I would not like to be that teenager.

....and if you managed this long in a marriage where ''no love existed'' - despite having a further two children - what changed for you that is was right (for you) for all those years - but is now not? Mid life crises? New younger model? You not dealing with your past issues?

Ok, I am sounding unsympathetic here except to your daughter....and perhaps your wife - perhaps she was not ready to be a mother either - but had to buckle down and make the best of it.

Is your ''happiness'' worth all this heartache to your daughters and their mother - just so you could.....whatever it is you think you have achieved.

Ok, I am bitter and twisted by my own experience.....I hope you have more support from others. But PLEASE try to remember how confused you were as a teenager, and imagine having all this heaped upon you but the man who is meant to look after his ''princesses''