First directions help needed

Ok, I have more - and I admit really this is a message for my ex who sounds just like you.

How hard did you actually work at making your relationship (marriage, friendship, lover etc) with your wife work? (Not just sticking in the marriage ''for the sake of the children'' - but making the relationship work

I mean as a couple as opposed to resenting you had been trapped into fartherhood - or did you just think happiness is your god-given right that deserves no input.

I am sure this is not you, or I am sure you are sure this is not you - but the whole bit about your wife rewriting history rang a bell with me, as I am sure it did with some other deserted wives. If your version of history is not your wife''s, then who should we believe? The person who cheated to get out of his marriage and broke up his family in the process or the Mum left trying to bring up three confused teenage children why Daddy is off with his new girlfriend?

To say I don''t believe you is perhaps too strong - but let''s say there is more than one perspective here.

Ok - I am sure my bitterness is misplaced...perhaps someone else will help more.

Have you read Hadenoughnow''s post SoMuch2know2? It is really useful but you never acknowledged it. I have a friend with a beautiful 4year old that was conceived out of rape. She never felt the need to tell him the truth. She also has a 14 year old whose father left her for a younger model. If it isn''t in their interests to know, why tell them? You have made mistakes but sadly you don''t see that you created this situation. If you didn''t love your wife why keep shagging her and create two more kids?

A good start would be to stop focusing the blame on your wife and children and start accepting responsibility for the consequences of your own behaviour. Children need reassurance that they are loved by both parents and should only be told what information they need to know about their parents'' relationship breakdown. Parents are under a duty to shield children as much as possible from the conflict in these cases. "Harm" to children is not just physical violence or deprivation. It includes emotional harm and there is little more damaging emotionally than upsetting a child''s security about their parentage and heritage.

IF you are willing to acknowledge the part you played in bringing about you own alienation and are prepared to do whatever it takes to make amends you may be lucky just to rescue the relationship with your middle child and prevent a breakdown of the relationship with the youngest child. Parenting classes for separated parents might help. Under the circumstances I would forget about contact with your new partner present for the forseeable future and concentrate on rebuilding your relationship with your child(ren). Generally courts support contact but there is only so much a court order can achieve.

Fiona wrote:

A good start would be to stop focusing the blame on your wife and children and start accepting responsibility for the consequences of your own behaviour. Children need reassurance that they are loved by both parents and should only be told what information they need to know about their parents'' relationship breakdown. Parents are under a duty to shield children as much as possible from the conflict in these cases. "Harm" to children is not just physical violence or deprivation. It includes emotional harm and there is little more damaging emotionally than upsetting a child''s security about their parentage and heritage.

IF you are willing to acknowledge the part you played in bringing about you own alienation and are prepared to do whatever it takes to make amends you may be lucky just to rescue the relationship with your middle child and prevent a breakdown of the relationship with the youngest child. Parenting classes for separated parents might help. Under the circumstances I would forget about contact with your new partner present for the forseeable future and concentrate on rebuilding your relationship with your child(ren). Generally courts are support contact but there is only so much a court order can achieve.

Good post, Fiona.

I reckon you will be flogging a dead horse.

KID 1 -So your first kid is over 17 I take it and you don''t mention he/she at all.
So I assume that relationship has broken down completely.

KID 2 -The middle child is the 13 year old girl.
Who hates you and has sent death threats against your girlfriend.The relationship again has broken down entirely.

KID 3 - The youngest you want to have contact with because he/she doesn''t hate you and your girlfriend yet?

your ex wife ain''t gonna want you and your partner anywhere near that youngest kid and the siblings will be discouraging it as well.
Even if you go to court and get a contact order.I reckon it will be thwarted at every turn.
It''s inevitable the youngest kid ain''t gonna want to know you either.

Oh dear what a mess!

Children should never be told that one parent never loved the other and how many times have all of us asked a direct question but did not want a brutally honest answer?

My exH made the same mistake, his OW also stuck her ore in, result, our daughter refuses all contact with OW and minimal with her father!!! It is seven years since we divorced.

He has also said that I re wrote history but I didn''t, he was the one who had the affair, he was the one that changed. I was with him 35 years and focus on remembering the good times, its these times I talk to my daughter about and we have a wonderful relationship.

My advise is to keep OW out of anything to do with your daughters and slowly try to build a relationship again. It might take years, it might never happen but you are their father so must never give up. Remember every birthday & Christmas, even if you don''t get a thank you.

You have your new life with OW, the woman you say you never loved is bringing up your children, she has every right to cling to the thoughts that your marriage was happy. Cut her some slack, I can tell you its not easy being the one abandoned by the man you loved.

Yet again somuch is getting a lot of flack but no real advise of what he should do.

Why because

a) he admits he had an affair.
b) He tried to tell his daughter the truth as he saw it.


So because dad did wrong. He can no longer expect to be a part of his children lives?

How many times have I read posters state you shouldn''t lie to your children. Its important to tell the truth. Thats what somuch did, he told his daughter his verision of the truth, but I guess the only verison of the truth permitted is the ''''wronged'''' party.

Yes what he said was wrong and hurtful. I am not sure whats the best thing to tell a child in this situation. Should it be yes I did love your mum but stopped. (Childs will hears that love can stop), I never loved your mum, but always loved you or of course I love your mum (child thinks dad might come back)

We will never know the truth of what happened in this relationship. From somuchs other posts, he has stated that he did try to leave before his affair. The result was the wife stopped him seeing his children so he went back. Each time the relationship was in crisis, they had another baby in an attempt to make it right.

The past is the past, what is important is how to rebuild the broken relationships with his children and thats what somuch is asking for. He puts up his hands and admits he was wrong and want to know what he can do to sort it.

I would suggest a heartfelt letter of apology. (Not a text or email but real paper!!). I would suggest going to court for access to your youngest daughter and hope that with time and patience your other children will learn that it takes two to make and break a relationship (and an third party wasnt to blame).

You made a mistake, whats important is to learn from it and put it right.