First directions help needed

I strongly disagree that the third party is not to blame .They should not be there to comfort and ''understand '' what is going on in a marriage. They should not get involved with a married person. These men or women leave for another person and if they weren''t there perhaps something could have been done to save the marriage . He said he thought he was in love with both of us for a while and then fell out of love with me . Lust more like!
My STBX told our kids that mummy and daddy don''t love each other anymore .That was not true at the time he left .I wanted to make it work .He said that to make himself feel better about leaving .I told them this was not true .
Perhaps saying you never loved her was a bit cruel but if you felt that was the truth I guess it had to be said.

Im with sacry keep the OW out of it. It is none of her business. What goes on between your ex, the children and you shouldbe kept between those parties.

God she sounds a very immature person to text a 13 year old, tell her to grow up and stay out of it for your daughters sake.

You will never rebuild a relationship while she is interfering and in my opinion your daughter should come first.

SoMuch

I have been through this. I have 2 children with my first partner. The children are now 18 & 20. Ex had OW who done a very similar thing to my children when myself and ex separated. There was a long period of no contact. We never approached the courts as we managed to sort things out. However, I think my ex has a very hard time of it, as my children still insist that they will never come into contact with OW. Even at 18 & 20 yrs old, they won''t budge, and I doubt it will ever change.

Ex and children have a very healthy relationship. However, they will not go to his house because of OW. So, contact has only worked, because I accommodate their relationship.

Birthdays and Christmas, ex has to come to my house to see the children. If they fancy a cup of tea and a chat, watch a film together, anything at all, it has to be at my house.

Thankfully, myself and ex are very good friends, in fact, he is probably my best friend.

The reality is, my ex has to lead many different lives. He has his home life, his life with his children, and OW must be so frustrated that he spends at least 3 evenings a week at my house. But, this is all down to her own actions, and sadly, kids don''t forget, and certainly do not forget easily.

This week, my ex''s Dad is in hospital and will sadly die very soon. My children have been to the hospital with my ex, but the OW has been excluded completely because of the situation that she created with my children. My ex has proved through all of this, that blood is thicker than water, and although he is still with the OW, she will never be as big a part of his life as his children and he accepts that OW will never be accepted.

I think there is some very good advice on this post. Fiona''s post is excellent, the point about how people can and do contribute to their own alienation really is relevant to this case.

Equally for me the boys mum also makes a very valid point and her story contains a powerful cautionary tale. Affairs carry long lasting consequences. I''ve said it before, affairs are a poor problem solving technique and can create long lasting emotional carnage.

I think Fiona hits the nail on the head on how the OP can attempt to repair the damage. Ultimately there is no excuse for adultery and he would in my view get much better outcomes by accepting responsibility for the pain and suffering his actions have caused.

His wife may be behaving badly but this does not provide a reason or excuse for his own conduct.

Thank you all for your judgement, and sorry for the delay in repsonse- I have been in hospital for the past few days.

Fiona- I did read the article and found it useful, albiet a bit late for me.

Admittedly, i got the 100% honesty wrong, I wasnt asking for your opinion on what happened- I was asking for advice going forward. No parent is perfect but some of you seem to live in glass houses.

There have been some interesting and positive developments. While I was in surgery my girlfriend, the OW, did the unthinkable- she text my wife. She updated her on the operation, the recovery, and the concern I had that I wouldnt be able to see my daughter. She also stated very clearly that neither her, nor me had any intentions of an introduction anytime in the near future. Not sure she got the text she sent an email later that night with my injury update and reiterated the "no introduction" stance. Guess what- My wife and I are having civil text conversations again. She is bringing my girls over to see me this weekend. My son called me for the first time in months, and my middle child- althoug angry- is texting me. My wife and I are talking about the councilling session and about what my daughter had expected from it. Looking back it coincided with a time that my girlfriend and I had broken up for a few months so I could try and re-establish a relationship with my kids. My wife and I were getting along and I my kids were back in my life. I think my daughter thought I was going to come back. I dont know, but we (me and my wife) are trying to work through this. Its taken 1 year to get to this point, and its come to this
all come about because the OW sent a message. if she hadnt that small tiny step forward would not have been made.

I have court on Monday and Weds, but I hope, at the very least, we can agree the contact- the finances will sort themselves in a few months time at FH.

Well lets hope things go better for you and your children. However I still think you should keep OW out of it. Even though her text was well meant I wouldn''t appreciate one from my stbx OW. Mind you I wouldn''t want to know how he was either as we have no contact and he is not important ot me anymore.

The OW is well and truly involved. She is mentioned in several legal documents from her solictor and is the sole reason I am having contact issues.

I may not want to be married to my wife, but I still care for her. She may hate me right now, but I know she cares as well. I am still hopeful we one day establish a friendship for the children- but regardless I cant have a relationship with my kids, without one with her.

Overall I feel positive. And I am glad she contacted her.