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Feel like giving up - Help, what next?

  • Lissa1974
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16 May 12 #331021 by Lissa1974
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I am so sick and tired of the situation with my ex wife and my little boy. He''s 4 and we divorced late last year. We have a statement of arrangements agreed when we divorced. I live two miles away from him, have him over night every Tuesday night, and every other weekend Fri-Mon morning.

Its been working fine but she is awkward and so critical of everything I do. I have requested dates for holiday to take him away. We agree at the moment about 5 days is the max, as he''s still 4 and starting school in August.

I can''t get her to agree dates. If I take him for Wed-Friday she wants me to pay the fees for nursery that day, adding on an extra £41 a day, basically renting my son out. She has not come back to me so I have missed out on deals to book. I cannot afford to pay for the days I have him, and she won''t let me have him Mon/Tue as they''re the days she has him and doesn''t work.

I don''t know what to do. I am so sick and tired of being bullied. I need a soultion, long term.

If I apply for a contact order, it could cost me thousands which I can''t afford. She works part time, and would get legal aid. She could drag it out months to make me pay more. Even then aren''t holidays just normally put in a court order "to be agreed between parents!" We can''t agree, we can''t talk. She refuses to attend mediation.

I just don''t know what to do next or where to turn. I am becoming depressed and I know she is doing it so eventually she drives me out of his live.

Any help is so welcome, I just don''t know what to do next.

  • Lostboy67
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16 May 12 #331024 by Lostboy67
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Hi
Don''t even think about giving up. She will only drive you out of your son''s life if you allow it to happen.
With regard to the current situation, the best approch might be to email her with two sets of dates and ask her to pick which one she will ''allow'' you to have. Don''t ask if either of these dates is acceptable just ask her to pick which one of the two.

LB

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16 May 12 #331027 by Lissa1974
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Lostboy67 wrote:

Hi
Don''t even think about giving up. She will only drive you out of your son''s life if you allow it to happen.
With regard to the current situation, the best approch might be to email her with two sets of dates and ask her to pick which one she will ''allow'' you to have. Don''t ask if either of these dates is acceptable just ask her to pick which one of the two.

LB


We''ve had now sets of mails go back and forth, she will only allow me dates for the Wed-Friday meaning I pay £41 a day. If I haven''t paid her she will not let me pick my son up.

She has blocked me from mail as I have been mailing her asking her to confirm dates. She won''t simply say "Yes" to the dates, makes me jump through hoops, and it''s now ''rent'' my son out or nothing.

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17 May 12 #331033 by DrDaddy
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Lissa1974 wrote:

I am so sick and tired of the situation with my ex wife and my little boy. He''s 4 and we divorced late last year. We have a statement of arrangements agreed when we divorced. I live two miles away from him, have him over night every Tuesday night, and every other weekend Fri-Mon morning.

Its been working fine but she is awkward and so critical of everything I do. I have requested dates for holiday to take him away. We agree at the moment about 5 days is the max, as he''s still 4 and starting school in August.

I can''t get her to agree dates. If I take him for Wed-Friday she wants me to pay the fees for nursery that day, adding on an extra £41 a day, basically renting my son out. She has not come back to me so I have missed out on deals to book. I cannot afford to pay for the days I have him, and she won''t let me have him Mon/Tue as they''re the days she has him and doesn''t work.

I don''t know what to do. I am so sick and tired of being bullied. I need a soultion, long term.

If I apply for a contact order, it could cost me thousands which I can''t afford. She works part time, and would get legal aid. She could drag it out months to make me pay more. Even then aren''t holidays just normally put in a court order "to be agreed between parents!" We can''t agree, we can''t talk. She refuses to attend mediation.

I just don''t know what to do next or where to turn. I am becoming depressed and I know she is doing it so eventually she drives me out of his live.

Any help is so welcome, I just don''t know what to do next.


This sounds like it''s all about power and control, and probably not so much about dates and times.
The best way to deal with it is to involve a third party, which she will of course resist (=loss of control). mediation? If she refuses, then court. Many posters here have self represented, so it needn''t cost a lot. I think this may be the only way you will counter this bullying.

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17 May 12 #331036 by hawaythelads
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Hi,
Look at the bigger picture here.
You have sustained regular contact.
Look the true scenario of how divorced couples plays out is they don''t really like each other.
If there''s kids involved the women have the clout on contact arrangements.
As it happens with a 4 year old your ex ain''t being that unreasonable.
I''ve seen far worse on here believe me.Posts all the time my child is only 4 he/she gets upset at her Dads so I only want them to go for 4 hours on a Saturday afternoon and they''ll be a load of women on here going Oh yes I agree 4 years old is far too young to be away from mother for any more than half an hour what a bxstard nasty man your ex is wanting them to stay for a weekend :blink:
So you ain''t doing that bad.Realistic divorced Dad''s contact that''s about it.One week night and every other weekend.
You''ve got an agreement that you can take the kid away for five days.
Ok but she''s gonna be you''re not wasting my nursery fee money!I had to pay that I want it back.
You will never argue that one with a woman.
She''s paid the money out.She''s not going to pay it out for nothing and certainly not for it to be wasted to benefit the ex hubbie.
There you go suck it up you pay before you play.That''s £41 x 3.£123 I''d feckin write a
cheque out now,put it an envelope with a note saying there you go, there''s your money.NEXT SENTENCE.MY HOLIDAY DATES WITH THE KID ARE...
Not when can I have him now.Not is this alright?MY HOLIDAY DATES ARE....
She won''t be able to argue feck all then.
I''D PAY THE £123 JUST TO WIN THE FECKIN ARGUMENT.
And quite frankly mate if you can''t afford that you can''t afford a holiday either.
And how you think about it is you give her money like a proper bxstard..... here are you blackmailing bxtch here''s your fecking money.Now as I''ve paid I''ll be telling you when I''m going away.Because I''ve just paid for that privilege.Of course you don''t actually say that you just think it.
The words that sum all that up are.
Here is the £123 for the nursery fees MY HOLIDAY DATES ARE......so you know.
One other big bit of advice you have to adopt the blah blah blah tinitus hearing when it comes to dealing with a controlling ex misus.
Basically you''ve probably gathered by now that all this criticism of your child care actually has nothing to do with the best interests of the child and everything to do with just utilising this as an easy point scoring criticise the ex hubbie exercise to upset him.
So you know that basically if the only thing you done for the kid was wipe his rse that would still be wrong.Because that would be the only thing she could then pick on to have a go at you about.
So I don''t know whether you get this earache verbally or via text or email or what.I suspect email because then she''ll have her record for CAFCASS .Women are a bit sneaky like that.
Anyway I digress so when you are looking at her moaning on about how you didn''t do this right or that right.
Feign a look of interest and I actually give a feck about this only pretendses like not for real.
Then completely zone out I''d ironically the nano second she started. Start singing in my head The carpenters....LOving you is easy coz you''re beautiful...do do do do do do ooooooooooooeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaa.What was that note exactly ?Sounded like a scalded cat.
Then if the lecture continues just turn the words into :-
"BLAH!BLAH!BLAH! I''m not listening you control freak nutter but you think I AM
and when you''ve finished your bullshit criticism I''m gonna say OK I''LL THINK ABOUT THAT and walk off and completely and utterly ignore the shxt your talking."

And repeat in your head THAT MANTRA blah blah blah I''m not listening.

SO REMEMBER HRH''S TOP TIPS TO SURVIVE THE EX MISUS.
1.You''ve actually got pretty good contact.

2.You pays the money .....You takes your pick.Pay the £123 and then TELL her when your going on holiday.

3. Any criticism learn the words to "LOVING YOU" by the Carpenters and then repeat the BLA BLA BLA I''m not listening over and over in your head.

4.Totally ignore anything that she says you have to do.She ain''t there she won''t know wht athe feck you''ve been doing.

5.Don''t really have any more dealings with her other than agreed times to pick the kid up.

Follow these 5 simple points and you''ll have a succesful method for dealing with a nutter control freak ex misus.

All the best
His Royal Hawayness xx

P.S REMEMBER NEXT YEAR HE WILL BE AT SCHOOL SO SHE WON@T BE ABLE TO PULL THE SHXT ABOUT NURSERY FEES!!!

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17 May 12 #331037 by sillywoman
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Such sensible advice Pete,as always

  • Lissa1974
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17 May 12 #331089 by Lissa1974
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hawaythelads wrote:

Hi,
Look at the bigger picture here.
You have sustained regular contact.
Look the true scenario of how divorced couples plays out is they don''t really like each other.
If there''s kids involved the women have the clout on contact arrangements.
As it happens with a 4 year old your ex ain''t being that unreasonable.
I''ve seen far worse on here believe me.Posts all the time my child is only 4 he/she gets upset at her Dads so I only want them to go for 4 hours on a Saturday afternoon and they''ll be a load of women on here going Oh yes I agree 4 years old is far too young to be away from mother for any more than half an hour what a bxstard nasty man your ex is wanting them to stay for a weekend :blink:
So you ain''t doing that bad.Realistic divorced Dad''s contact that''s about it.One week night and every other weekend.
You''ve got an agreement that you can take the kid away for five days.
Ok but she''s gonna be you''re not wasting my nursery fee money!I had to pay that I want it back.
You will never argue that one with a woman.
She''s paid the money out.She''s not going to pay it out for nothing and certainly not for it to be wasted to benefit the ex hubbie.
There you go suck it up you pay before you play.That''s £41 x 3.£123 I''d feckin write a
cheque out now,put it an envelope with a note saying there you go, there''s your money.NEXT SENTENCE.MY HOLIDAY DATES WITH THE KID ARE...
Not when can I have him now.Not is this alright?MY HOLIDAY DATES ARE....
She won''t be able to argue feck all then.
I''D PAY THE £123 JUST TO WIN THE FECKIN ARGUMENT.
And quite frankly mate if you can''t afford that you can''t afford a holiday either.
And how you think about it is you give her money like a proper bxstard..... here are you blackmailing bxtch here''s your fecking money.Now as I''ve paid I''ll be telling you when I''m going away.Because I''ve just paid for that privilege.Of course you don''t actually say that you just think it.
The words that sum all that up are.
Here is the £123 for the nursery fees MY HOLIDAY DATES ARE......so you know.
One other big bit of advice you have to adopt the blah blah blah tinitus hearing when it comes to dealing with a controlling ex misus.
Basically you''ve probably gathered by now that all this criticism of your child care actually has nothing to do with the best interests of the child and everything to do with just utilising this as an easy point scoring criticise the ex hubbie exercise to upset him.
So you know that basically if the only thing you done for the kid was wipe his rse that would still be wrong.Because that would be the only thing she could then pick on to have a go at you about.
So I don''t know whether you get this earache verbally or via text or email or what.I suspect email because then she''ll have her record for CAFCASS .Women are a bit sneaky like that.
Anyway I digress so when you are looking at her moaning on about how you didn''t do this right or that right.
Feign a look of interest and I actually give a feck about this only pretendses like not for real.
Then completely zone out I''d ironically the nano second she started. Start singing in my head The carpenters....LOving you is easy coz you''re beautiful...do do do do do do ooooooooooooeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaa.What was that note exactly ?Sounded like a scalded cat.
Then if the lecture continues just turn the words into :-
"BLAH!BLAH!BLAH! I''m not listening you control freak nutter but you think I AM
and when you''ve finished your bullshit criticism I''m gonna say OK I''LL THINK ABOUT THAT and walk off and completely and utterly ignore the shxt your talking."

And repeat in your head THAT MANTRA blah blah blah I''m not listening.

SO REMEMBER HRH''S TOP TIPS TO SURVIVE THE EX MISUS.
1.You''ve actually got pretty good contact.

2.You pays the money .....You takes your pick.Pay the £123 and then TELL her when your going on holiday.

3. Any criticism learn the words to "LOVING YOU" by the Carpenters and then repeat the BLA BLA BLA I''m not listening over and over in your head.

4.Totally ignore anything that she says you have to do.She ain''t there she won''t know wht athe feck you''ve been doing.

5.Don''t really have any more dealings with her other than agreed times to pick the kid up.

Follow these 5 simple points and you''ll have a succesful method for dealing with a nutter control freak ex misus.

All the best
His Royal Hawayness xx

P.S REMEMBER NEXT YEAR HE WILL BE AT SCHOOL SO SHE WON@T BE ABLE TO PULL THE SHXT ABOUT NURSERY FEES!!!


WOW!!! it seems like you have experience here!!! The funny thing is your blunt refreshing approach is actually the way I SHOULD see this situation. I have realised I need to find things out for myself, cut her out altogether which is stupid when it comes to discussing our sons life, but that''s just the way it is.

I pay her more maintenance until early next year (for a two year period) so she could afford to stay in the house, and my son wasn''t moved or upset. This is why I''m struggling to pay the extra nursery fees and then the holiday fees on top, so I think she has enough money out of me already (CSA would make me pay 15%, I pay 23%).

However, I see your point in taking satisfacion from handing the money over. If it''s the only way then maybe I just need to suck it up and do it.

I also need to basically ignore what she says to me, and what she says to other people. The blah blah blah technique is the way to go!!!

Sometimes when you need it, this place gives great advice and the boost you need!

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