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25 May 12 #332949 by Enuff Already
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C.J. I can see you have had a raw deal this week. Fair play to you for supporting your man. You are of course right in that each situation is individual and we don''t all display the ins and outs of what has gone on so no one actually sees the whole picture. That said I think you will have to agree that there are a lot of "NRP''s" on here fighting to implement the basic right of their child to have a relationship with them. There are also a lot of "RP''s" on here crying out for support (finanacial and emotional). I didnt have my kids to be a part time dad, or not to be able to provide for them but my god the logistics and schematics of making it work are not easy. Whilst I was working I put in 75% of my income into the house to provide everything for my wife and our kids, she did the same. We halved everything because everything was pretty much equal. The Child benefit went into a pot for the kids and was rarely touched. This pot was for uni, cars, deposits on houses for our kids as they became adults. We added to this pot year in and year out and when we split it had £22k in it. That was handed to my wife for the kids and I was going to keep adding to it and she agreed she would too. It is now empty and believe me it hasn''t been spent on entirely on the kids. Now I am on my own with my own little two bed house I have my outgoings, my mortgage, bills, etc that take up a huge chunk of my income, and my expendable income is so much lower than it was when we were together because now I am using one income to maintain one house where we had two incomes before. She still has two incomes into her home so it isnt much different to when we were together and she thinks I have the same expendable income as I had before. So .. herein lies the problem... what am I ''entitled'' to?.. what should my minimum expenses be to enable me to live adequately? am I entitled to a night out every other week or should that £30 I spend be harboured away to give to the ex, shall I forego my camping holiday this year (cheapest possible holiday with three kids) and give the money to the ex so she can take the kids to Florida AGAIN!! Shall I continue to eat the cheapest branded food in the supermarket or could I treat myself to a nice steak now and again. Will I again buy ASDA tee shirts and trousers whilst my kids rock up in the latest branded clothes and trainers, or should I resort to charity shops.. There is so much of poor old mum on here what about poor old dad. We struggle too you know!!!!!!

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25 May 12 #332950 by somuch2know2
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You have so elegently said what I have, not so brilliantly, attempted to. Fair play to you mate. You go out and you treat yourself to that GAP tshirt, and go ahead eat that steak from Waitrose- you deserve it

I am with you 100% on everything you say. What I have noticed from my own experience and most others, is that when it comes to love and cuddles- that is mums obligation. When it comes to finances- that is Dads. Why do I have to be the solo cash cow, and why should my wife be better off in divorce than when married. But that is how the system is set up, and probably why many men dont bother getting married again.

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25 May 12 #332952 by Enuff Already
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I''d settle for a H & M tee shirt right now :silly:

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25 May 12 #332953 by C. J.
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Enuff Already,

Believe me I totally understand where you are coming from. When I first met my fiance he was living in digs, still paying half towards the mortgage of the house the ex was living in and full child maintenance. That on top of his own rent, bills etc meant he was living out of his overdraft and in huge debt.

To add insult to injury he then went from an ''ok'' father (in the ex''s eyes this is a compliment!) to not being able to be trusted hence, the ongoing court hearings and issues over contact.

We can''t afford to take the children abroad, in fact due to the limited contact that the ex allows we have only managed 2 days at the beach so far.

We hope to take them camping for 3 nights this year. Havingsaid this, the ex takes them on 2 holidays a year, one in the UK and they have their annual 10 night holiday in Spain during the summer holiday.

I help out where I can, in fact I buy the majority of the children''s clothes. I also paid half towards the children''s new bedroom at our home, which the children are thrilled with. :)

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25 May 12 #332956 by Enuff Already
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C.J. you star.. where have you been all my life :laugh:

Seriously its gotta be hard for you too, my girlfriend was a gem but the constant interference by the ex put paid to that just after Christmas, I got my girlfriend a spa day for Christmas and off she went with her mate only to be met in the jacuzzi by my ex and her mate, apparently telling a ''friend'' what I''d got my girl ended up on facebook the rest as they say is history. Bit by bit she wore her down I could see it coming a mile off, so when she jumped ship I let her go. I have given up trying to have a relationship for now. I have a FWB. Keeps it uncomplicated.

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25 May 12 #332960 by AbsentFather
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I admire you guys who fight.

I made a decision early on that the system was so much loaded in favour of the resident parents favour that I quit fighting. As soon as the judge turned round and said "there is a 1 year old. Mother gets the children" I knew it was pointless fighting.

My wife wanted me to jump through hoops and be the good ex who paid on time every month and asked her permission for everything relating to the children whilst accepting every demand she made.

I walked away. I did not want to spend years fighting just to be a part time Dad. I pay no maintenance. I have no contact with my children and I think my sanity is more intact as a result.

"If one can eliminate desire/attachment, one can eliminate suffering" (Buddha)

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25 May 12 #332963 by Enuff Already
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Absent father: I certainly won''t say anything about your choice to walk away, what I will say is I was within a hairs breadth of walking away. What stopped me? I happened to be allowed to speak to my boy for a whole 2 minutes on the phone and the excitement in his voice and his chit chat gave me another bout of strength. Had it not been for that phone call .. who knows!

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