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  • Enuff Already
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25 May 12 #332970 by Enuff Already
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Maybe I shouldn''t have let her go so easily then. What could I have done to make her stay. She said it wasn''t me it was all the sh**e from the ex.. Can''t have that happening again.

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25 May 12 #332975 by rugby333
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The whole fairness thing is difficult.

I guess the way I look at it is this: I have a teenage daughter and a teenage son with my ex wife. There is no way on this earth that I would recommend my son marries - how could I possibly say otherwise to him? It''s 50/50 that the marriage survives, it''s questionable as to whether he would get to see his children if it went wrong and he would pay for the rest of his life.

As for my daughter: I would advise her to marry. If she''s unhappy in the marriage, then she can leave him and he will pay for the rest of her life. As to whether she lets him see the children: it''s pretty much optional. So from her point of view, it''s a no brainer.

The inevitable conclusion, which explains the huge reduction in marriages over the last 10 years, is that the pendulum has swung too far - marriage is just too dangerous for men under the current legal system.

For enuff, or indeed any NRP on this site, sadly there are no words of comfort re contact that anyone can give you. It is only lawyers who will give you that false comfort and that is only because they want fees - the reality is brutal, unpalatable and unfair which inevitably means less marriage or enforceable pre nups and enforced contact orders.

  • MrsMathsisfun
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25 May 12 #332977 by MrsMathsisfun
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My partner found out nearly 3 years ago that his wife was having an affair. He is the first to admit the relationship was over before this but having come from a background where his mum and dad had been in conflict over contact.(When he was a child he was taken abroad for 2 years by his father and didnt see his mum. Then he was returned to his mum and didnt see his dad for the next ten years.)

A divorce and being separated from his children was the last thing he wanted, but the affair was the last straw.

When I first met my partner, he hadnt started his divorce, in fact I actually told him to get back in contact with me after the divorce was finalised!! (we met online).

Although I am glad I relented and did met him there have been times during the last 2year when it would have been easy to walk away. The stress has been awful. Much worse than my own divorce.

Wiki has become a way for me to deal with the stress, so I found it particularly hurtful to hear that as a new partner I shouldnt be posting on here,

Having experience both side now being a PWC and now involved with a NRP I can honestly say that being a pwc was much easier.

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25 May 12 #332980 by Enuff Already
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The exes husband seems to be a decent guy, kids like him but he hasn''t got kids of his own and it appears no back bone either. Doesn''t get involved, looks the other way, pretends nothings happening. Ex is definitely the boss, I think if her husband had known how bloody minded ex was or could be he may have waited more than three months before marrying her, but picking up on what Rugby says marriage is in her best interests, the longer shes with him the better the settlement eh! I think I shall take Rugbys advice and never marry again, at least there is less of this sh**e with common law partners, but I am sure Parliament will get in there soon and put an end to that.

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26 May 12 #333175 by Joe2020
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Enuff Already wrote:

this isnt about pretend dads this is about genuine dads who DO want to see their kids and have a relationship.


And its these dads who have absolutely no-one and nothing on their side.
You are fighting against the mother,the family law in this country that doesn''t recognise fathers rights or childrens rights to see their fathers.The Judges who side with what the mothers want.
A society where family values and the family has collapsed and its a subject that never makes the news and doesn''t win votes.

Gay rights,gay marriage,the right of a gay couple to have children/adopt etc is more important.
Thats really how warped we have become.

Its too easy to think about fathers rights in these situations and to dismiss them without considering actually what about childrens rights.
Who fights for them.Who fights for their right to see their father.They can''t so we have to and its one huge struggle to get anywhere.


No this isnt someone whos bitter and sounding off,this is someone whos telling it like it is.
End of.

  • rubytuesday
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27 May 12 #333273 by rubytuesday
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Enuff Already wrote:

Have been on this site a week or so now and the core element of posts re kids has amazed me. The men (or should I be politically correct and say the majority of NRP) are fighting tooth and nail to get and keep regular access to their much loved kids, for the women (or the majority of RP) its mainly about money. When did kids become equity! It really is scandalous that on the whole the opinion of the RP appears to be provision over contact.



I think part of the problem with reading posts on a site like Wikivorce is that we are very much in a goldfish bowl.Sometimes it seems that there is a disproportional amount of mothers being awkward and fathers having to go through the courts to gain contact. We don''t (or very rarely) see posts from those who don''t have contact/residency/money issues with their ex, mainly because they don''t need help/advice/support.

I don''t agree with the Government figures of only 10% of separated parents going through the courts, I believe the figures to be more like 20-25%, based on research done by an equal parenting campaign organisation.

Any forum that is issue-specific will see many more posting about that specific issue that is causing them problems, than is actually true in the wider community. One forum I contribute to would, to an outsider, appear that all mothers are contact-blockers and it is only fathers who have contact issues. Of course, this isn''t the case, and that perception is only based on the experiences posted by the members (most of whom are fathers who have experienced the most awful situations) of that particular forum.

However, there is a need to change the way the current system operates, both in terms of process and the attitudes of the judiciary and the legal profession - but also societal attitudes that children are better of with Mum and that Dad is a mere secondary parent to be kept on the periphery of a child''s life. For those who want to help make a change for the better, both for parents and children, there are ways and means in which to help campaign for that.

"Disney Dads" are a separate issue from those who genuinely wish and want to play a full and proper role in their child''s life. It''s important that we do not confuse feckless fathers [parents] with those who are prevented from being a father [parent]. Parenting isn''t about buying gifts and filling kids full of chips and ice-cream, nor should it be reduced by the courts to one letter a month (as in the case of someone I know). Without a presumption of shared parenting, then the status quo will continue. Shared parenting isn''t about an equal division of time, which in many cases is unworkable for a lot of separated families, but about both parents being able to play a full part in the up-bringing of their children, and be fully involved with them, and having that recogised in law.

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27 May 12 #333276 by rubytuesday
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Joe2020 wrote:



Its too easy to think about fathers rights in these situations and to dismiss them without considering actually what about childrens rights.


Fathers have no rights - in fact a terrorist has more rights in England than a father (Parental Rights do exist in law in Scotland, however),

It is children who have the right to maintain a full and meaningful relationships with both parents - Article 9 (3) Of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child states:

States Parties shall respect the right of the child who is separated from one or both parents to maintain personal relations and direct contact with both parents on a regular basis, except if it is contrary to the child''s best interests.

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