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How many homes do they have

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28 May 12 #333453 by Enuff Already
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What do I tell my kids when they tell me that mother says they are only visiting me and they really live with mommy? My 5 yr old son and 6 yr old daughter say they want to live with me when they are with me too (they have obviously been chatting to each other) this obviously bothers them more than me but I would like to reassure them. How? I do have shared residence (court ordered).

  • Fiona
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28 May 12 #333457 by Fiona
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Why not tell the children labels and whether they spend x hours with one parent and y hours with the other aren''t really important? Children shouldn''t be made to feel that their time is owned by parents. What really matters is that they stay with both parents, they feel positive about their relationship with each of them and are generally encouraged to see things as they are for themselves rather than believe everything they are told.

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28 May 12 #333462 by jslgb
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I remember having a similar situation with my stbxh''s eldest daughter when she was around the same age. We just sat her down and told her she was very lucky because she had 2 homes and 2 bedrooms. We made sure we bought her a ''special'' bear to keep at our house and she kept any gifts we gave her at our house so she had a good selections of toys etc. She knew she lived with her mum but also knew she had a home at her dads too.

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28 May 12 #333489 by Enuff Already
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All well and good, but whatever I tell them will be undermined by mother so there is my dilemma. I can tell them it doesn''t matter, but that isn''t what my kids want to hear. I could tell them that they do live with me. Mom wont agree and it will give another opportunity for me to be denounced as the bad dad lying to the kids, or I could tell them I have shared residence and tell them what residency means. I hate this sh**e.

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28 May 12 #333493 by jslgb
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Do you have more or less 50/50 residence with them? I have a 5 year old and she''s pretty clued up but i can appreciate you dont want to get into all the ins and outs with them. If it were me i would maybe sit them down and explain how they get to have two homes because they have one with mummy and daddy and then just leave it to them. The more and more time they spend in your home they will begin to see it as theres too and it wont matter what their mum says to them. They''ll soon see theres more to it than visiting and if you reinforce it as ''our home'' they''ll see it that way.

Also, is there the possibility for them to have input to your home? Decorating etc so they can take some kind of ownership?

I cant understand why your ex is even bringing this up. Surely she wants the children to feel comfortable when they are with you? Very bizarre!

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28 May 12 #333494 by Fiona
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You aren''t responsible for your ex''s behaviour and can''t control it. All you can do is accept responsibility for your own behaviour and rather than focusing on your ex''s behaviour look to your own. Children need at least one parent to forgo "who is right and who is wrong" and put their interests first and not put them in the centre of disputes between parents.

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28 May 12 #333497 by Enuff Already
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I have read quite a few of your posts Fiona and I find it quite patronising the amount of times you say one parent should forego the "who is right and who is wrong". This isnt what it is about. AND I am NOT focusing on my exes behaviour. I have never tried to control her behaviour I am not a control freak and I know I am not responsible for it. My kids want to say they ''live'' with me albeit for less time than with their mother. I want to reassure my kids, and only my kids, I want to say the right thing to them to reassure them no one else. I don''t have to look at my own behaviour as I never say anything against their mother and I have let so much slide to keep it easy for my kids so they aren''t put in the middle. I want my kids to be happy. THAT is why I am posting on this forum as I do not want to say anything that would cause one minute of friction for THEM!!!!!!!!! The s**te I have taken for my kids over the last two years so they can have an ''easier'' life is unbelievable but my shoulders are broad.

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