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Handovers of the Children

  • Smith1977
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30 May 12 #334020 by Smith1977
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After a two year battle and large gaps when contact was denied completely my partner recently obtained Shared Residency for his two daughters (aged 4 and 2 and a half)with approximately 110 overnight stays per annum plus weekly mid week visiting contact. He hopes to change the mid week visiting contact to overnight once yougest child is at school. Judge did state she saw it as a short term arrangment due to ages and accepted that on second week contact was brief i.e. only visiting.

Since the separation he has collected the girls in person for every single handover in person. This is in contrast to his ex. who regularly sends friends, family etc. The solicitor advised that while court proceedings were ongoing I should remain in the background. I was sometimes present for handovers though not very often. When I was there on two ocassions she became abusive. My partner agreed to the contact times the Judge and Cafcass suggested thinking that if he was stuck at work etc. I could collect the girls for him. They are very happy with me. Unfortunately Cafcass only did a home visit with their Mother not with us so this hasn''t been witnessed. Ex will not allow me to collect and her solicitor has said I should not be present for any handovers ever. She says all handovers must only be by my partner.

Since he told her that I would be collecting on one ocassion she is now making claims that it won''t be a safe environment for them if I collect, that it makes her feel uncomfortable and seems to be trying to make vague allegations that they aren''t cared for properly. . One had hoped that since the Resdiency hearing was over the Legal Aid would stop but she continues to use this, which seems a waste of the public purse.

Given he has Shared Resdiency does he not have the right to send whoever he trusts and chooses to collect or return the girls when they are due to be in his care. He said he will always let her know in advance if it won''t be him. We do not want to create barriers between the girls lives and have suggested she meets with me and tries to form a working relationship given the girls live with me when they reside with my parter.

He has had to advise her a couple of times recently that it would be me collecting and she has refused so contact has either been rescheduled or not happended. He does not want to put himself in breach of the Order by not collecting or reduce girls time with us and patnernal family so if on ocassion he can''t collect or return himself he wants to be able to use me.

How can he force her to cooperate with this? This conflict is not in the girl''s interest and instead is focussed on ex. not being able to move on.

She is also now trying to use him not being able to collect in person a couple of times as a reason for suggesting that his work doesn''t allow it to take place and contact is too much. The reality is if he is working I drive so can collect them and he will meet us at home. This week he wanted me to collect them at take them to his parents where we would have had lunch with them and he would have joined later. This seems reasonable and for the girls they love time with us and seeing their gparents so no need to cancel contact all together.

4 year old is collected directly from nursery. Once both in nursery and school will negate need for ex. to be present so will be easier.

We have thought of saying on these instances that I will be collecting 4 year old from school and trust she shall also make youngest available as don''t think she can stop that as it is our day and school accept that so long as Dad has given permission that I can collect and he has.

Please advise as we want to do everything right as this may well end up back in Court.

  • rubytuesday
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30 May 12 #334024 by rubytuesday
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Is there another family member instead of you who could collect the children when their father is unable to?

It seems that the source of conflict is you collecting the children on occasion, and as you have already found out, Mum has not made the children available for contact once or twice because of this.

  • Smith1977
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30 May 12 #334027 by Smith1977
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Unfortunately not, the childrens grandparents are about 15 minutes away but Nanny is full time carer for grandad who is restricted to the house at present. Most friends work during the day as well. She recently refused to allow Nanny to collect when we had made careful plans for this and arranged for someone to sit with Grandad.

  • BoysMum
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30 May 12 #334031 by BoysMum
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Hi RCA,

You say there have been large gaps in contact and you have had a 2 year battle. The youngest child must have been 6 months old when this all started?

Your partners children are very young, and it seems that they probably do not know you very well, given the large gaps in contact.

I think as a mother, I also would be very uneasy with the handover.

Maybe you ought to stand back and let your partner or maybe grandparents do the pick ups. After all, this is a new arrangement and you are clearly fueling the fire. You may just need to give it time, and let the situation die down a bit.

The situation seems very raw and I would doubt that Mum would want to meet you, after all, why should she? I would also refrain from statements you made i.e ''After all, they live with me'' as you will be doing yourselves no favors.

I would personally give Mum time to adjust to the situation, because at the moment, you are making things worse.

  • C. J.
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30 May 12 #334034 by C. J.
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Hi RCA,

Welcome to wiki. :)

I''m also in a relationship with a man who has continuous problems with the ex and issues with contact.

Can I ask you some background information - how is your relationship with the children and how long have you known them for?

Is your partner''s split from his ex still raw to her, hence why she has issues with seeing you?

  • Smith1977
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30 May 12 #334035 by Smith1977
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They actually unfortunately separated before she even knew she was pregnant with the youngest child and she didn''t allow any contact with youngest daughter at all her for first 6 months of her life despite trying but it took a long time through the courts and they then granted over night stays for 3 nights every other week plus holidays though this has since been replaced with a new Residence Order and increased contact. Gap in contact was significant after inital spearation and last gap was last June for 6 weeks.

For info, I had absolutely nothing to do with their separation. We have been together for just under two years now.

She has also refused to allow Nanny to collect as well and they have been separated for approximately 3 years so we thought she should now be starting to try and move on and build some form of relationshop with my partner as co-parent. She mainly doesn''t speak at all during handovers.

  • Smith1977
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30 May 12 #334036 by Smith1977
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Hi, I''ve known them for about two years and as they were so young they were no issues in forming a great relationship with them. They are loving towards me and we have a great time together. I would say she is still very raw given her approach and lack of ability to be able to talk to my partner or communicate anything to him.

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