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very unreasonable

  • wonderful25
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30 May 12 #334048 by wonderful25
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i am the father of a two and a half year old boy with my ex partner (we were never married, my son resulted from a very short "relationship" - his mother and i lived together after he was born for a month but it did not work out and i moved out)

i pay child maintenance to his mother on a monthly basis (this was not agreed via the CSA it was agreed with his mother and i - i pay £450 per month) and i currently see my son as follows (agreed between his mother and i and not via any courts)
week one - Wednesday 5.30 (i pick up from nursery) until thursday 7.30am (i drop him at nursery)
friday - he is dropped off at 5.30 and i have him until saturday approx 1pm
Sunday - i pick him up at 10am and drop him back at 6.30pm

week 2 - Wednesday 5.30 (i pick up from nursery) until thursday 7.30am (i drop him at nursery)
Saturday - i have him from 4pm until sunday at 6.30pm

the weeks roll as above - please note i feel i do not see my son enough but it was a struggle to even agree these times.

There is a degree of flexibility on my part where i will certainly have him on days that are not "mine" and I will of course be flexible if there are things she wishes to do with him - ie his mum wanted to take him to a christening on a sunday (my day) and of course i agreed, i had him on valentines night so she could see her boyfriend, she has been on three holidays this year so far and i have obviously had my son for those periods, she recently had a job interview and i had him overnight etc etc.

My son''s mum is becoming increasingly unreasonable - she demands him back at earlier times than agreed (eg i should have him back for 6.30 she says have him back for 12 or you cant have him) she frequently tries to change the days i can see him and when i genuinely cannot have him those days/times she then takes him from me on my next "allocated day". We will agree things months in advance (eg my sister recently married and it was agreed I could take my son and have him Friday morning to Sunday night – I received a phone call Thursday night saying I wasn’t having him at all as she hadn’t been invited to the wedding. It was eventually agreed (after much verbal abuse) that I could have him until 4pm and I had to leave the wedding (I was best man) and take him home. i took him bowling for his birthday (she knew where he was) and she called the police and said I had kidnapped him I was only believed when I showed the police the text conversation with his mother that she knew where he was and it had been agreed. She will often call and say “you’ll have to have him tonight, im going out with my friends” and I have no choice but to agree. I feel as though I am the babysitter and my sons mother dictates my life.

I am at my wits end. I refuse to be drawn into her verbally abusive conversations and I try my best to think what is best for my son rather than myself or his mother but I could really do with some advice as to where I stand.
Should I involve a court? I just want to see my son – as it stands now or even more frequently but currently my son’s mother is reducing this agreed time and if I cannot do as “demanded” and have him when she wants me to, I don’t see him for days on end until she needs me to have him again.

Please help. I just need advice

  • BoysMum
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30 May 12 #334059 by BoysMum
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Hi,

Have you tried mediation? It could be a positive way forward.

  • happyagain
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30 May 12 #334070 by happyagain
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Yes, I would suggest mediation first. It shows you are willing to reach agreement. But if this is refused, apply to the courts. You have a history of contact with your son and the unpleasantness and mind games is probably upsetting for him too, particularly if he witnesses things like the police turning up. You are an equal parent and should not be having your contact time dictated.

  • wonderful25
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30 May 12 #334071 by wonderful25
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No. I''ve not tried anything legally. ive tried to keep things local and just discuss things with his mother but i feel i am being pushed to my limits now.

if i went with mediation and it worked, is the decision legally binding? is there any flexibility to it such as if his mother wanted to have him on one of my days or vice versa as long as it is discussed before hand?

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30 May 12 #334074 by BoysMum
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I am sure someone will correct me if I am wrong, but I think that if an agreement can be reached, it is then made into a Consent Order and stamped by the Courts?

I would hope that if mediation worked, you and your ex could possibly come out on a much friendlier basis. If this were the case, and all differences are put to one side, you should, in theory, be able to make allowances/provisions for changing days,times?

I think this is how it works :S

  • wonderful25
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30 May 12 #334076 by wonderful25
Reply from wonderful25

I would hope that if mediation worked, you and your ex could possibly come out on a much friendlier basis. If this were the case, and all differences are put to one side, you should, in theory, be able to make allowances/provisions for changing days,times?


That is exactly what i want out of this. to see my son either the days i see him now (or more :cheer:)without the constant "have him back early, you cant have him" and if certain circumstances arise (such as family events etc etc) then we can agree between us the flexibility of it. my main concern is that if mediation worked - my ex would (i can almost guarentee)stick to it for a few weeks and then start taking him away again.

  • jslgb
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30 May 12 #334078 by jslgb
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mediation isnt legally binding and doesnt work for everyone but the courts will look favourably upon it.

Basically you go to mediation individually to discuss what you want to get out of it and why you are there. You then have a meeting together where you try to agree contact etc. If all goes well the mediator will schedule a review in 6-8 weeks to see how it is going.

mediation didnt work for me for personal reasons and so we never went back, and my ex never questioned this.

I dont know from a legal stand point but i imagine any agreement you put in place in mediation could be taken to court if needs be and put into an order as both parties agreed to that arrangement in mediation.

mediation is definitely a good starting point, if for no other reason that to find out where your ex is coming from in order to anticipate further ''issues''.

Good luck

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