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Wits End

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05 Jun 12 #335163 by For real
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First post so please bare with me. My son has regularly weekly access with his dad, no overnights as dads girlfriend is ... erm how should I put this .... (a bit off the scale in the jealously department). I am at the point of marrying my boyfriend and would relish a break from my son and possible have some romantic time with my fiance. Sons dad gets an ear bashing from his girlfriend everytime he picks our son up and drops him back (his girlfriend thinks their is something going on between us as we are not at each others throats and things are quite amicable - although I personally think he needs to get a backbone and deal with this). I am thinking of proposing that the girlfriend does the pick up and drop offs so that ex and I don''t meet and hopefully this might allay some of her insecurities. My son likes her but he doesnt know she is the reason he doesnt stay over. Am I just being simple in thinking that this could work.

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05 Jun 12 #335182 by Emma8485
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I cant really offer much in the way of advice other than its not your issue to sort out his girlfriend. I also think if you ask her to do drop off and collection, then apart from this being wierd for your son, you are also pandering to a womans insecurities, and who knows where they will end?

At the end of the day she will have to accept that you and your ex have a child together, and if he is so weak that he doesnt have his children overnight because his girlfriend doesnt want him too, then it sounds very much like you arent the only one that she is jealous of.

From the limited info you have posted, this man is not prioritising his relationship with your child, and shame on him - you only have to look at some of the male NRP''s on here who would literally give anything to see their kids overnight

Take care
x

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05 Jun 12 #335190 by jslgb
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If the gf is the reason overnight contact isnt taking place i dont think it would be wise at all for you to arrange the hand overs with her!

Quick question, why on earth would jealousy affect your ex having a relationship with his son? Is she jealous of you and him or the child?

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06 Jun 12 #335245 by For real
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I agree that my ex needs to deal with his girlfriend and that isn’t what I am trying to do. I want my son to be able to maintain his relationship with his dad. She tends to go off at my ex, not me and not my son. My son says she is ok with him. She chats to him etc, although he is never included in their days out or holidays, as a family, dad will just cancel first. I never discuss this aspect with my son as he is young and doesn’t need to know all the ins and outs. He just knows he sees he dad during the day at the weekend. I think the jealousy is aimed at the ex, and me because we don’t fight or scream at each other and because I don’t make demands of him. We do actually get on ok. I wouldn’t put my son in a position where he wasn’t safe he is my priority and my life. He has his own mobile and he knows he can call me whenever he wants and his dad is ok with this too. My son is 12. I realise it looks like I am pandering to her needs but if that means its works out ok for my son and he can start overnight contact which he desperately wants then that is a bullet I can bite.

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06 Jun 12 #335269 by Emma8485
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Hi, So do you only know about her behaviour because your ex tells you about it? I''d question that as I dont know why he would tell you about his new relationship especially if it negatively impacts on your child?

I entirely understand wanting to ensure your son has a relationship with his dad but he is mainly responsible for that relationship not you. All you can do is make your son available, I dont think arranging handovers with the GF is a good idea, but thats a personal choice for me.

I stil am not clear why overnight contact is prevented by his girlfriend? If Dad isnt including him in his days out etc and isnt bothered about having him overnight, I am not sure how you would go about changing that by arranging contact via his girlfriend?

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06 Jun 12 #335284 by For real
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She isn''t a new partner she has been on the scene for over five years, she has two kids (teenagers now a boy and a girl and they live in a three bed property) the kids dont want my son in their room or to share what they have with him, he isnt allowed to play in their room or with anything that belongs to them. My son says they are spoilt and get whatever they want so I guess if they dont want him to stay or play their preference is taken above my sons needs. I have spoken to her once, and I asked why she didnt want my son to stay, her response was that if she didnt have her kids at the weekend why would she want mine. I understood that in part but since her ex died two years ago she has her kids 24/7 and still wont allow him to stay. I am concentrating solely on my son and I am trying to keep him happy and away from all the squabble in the background. If he is prepared to look past the insincerity of the situation then surely I should too. It isn''t an ideal situation at all and I appreciate dad is responsible for his relationship. I was just trying to help my son get what he wants. I also know that the problem lies with my ex not standing his ground and making it possible for my son to stay.

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06 Jun 12 #335295 by jslgb
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I dont think its up to you to try and make this right. After 5 years this woman should feel secure enough to not have any jealous feelings over your ''relationship'' with your ex, and certainly shouldnt be letting her own children impact your childs relationship with his dad. As a resident parent i have bent over backwards in the past to try and accommodate contact with my ex and our daughter to just have it thrown back in my face and have our child disappointed. I''ve reached the resolve where it is no longer my business. I cant control or even have a say in what happens when my daughter visits her dad, and even her wishes are ignored so i just put all my effort into making her time with me enjoyable. I know its hard to see your child unhappy with arrangements, but i think this one is out of your hands now. Its up to your ex to make a stand!

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