A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

What do I do?

  • fallingapart
  • fallingapart's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
13 Jun 12 #336540 by fallingapart
Topic started by fallingapart
So I have been separated for 5 months now, stbx having agreed contact as per statement for children of every other Sunday 10-12 and telephone contact whenever. He is a shiftworker and does very odd shifts, he was the one that suggested the contact hours etc as the kids being kids was part of the reason he gave to having an affair and walking away.

Children are 4 and 2, still adjusting to the split. I am dealing with everything and everyone trying to keep a roof over our heads etc and today the selfish SOB decides he wants the kids all day on Sunday so that they can meet the OW (who was a very close mutual friend) and spend the day as a "Family".

I have tried telling him that it is too soon for the children to be meeting her and I have no issue with him seeing the children, but the resopnse I got was that he is going to take me to court.

Anyone have any advice? My solicitor said to tell him to bring it on, but I am very concerned for the wellbeing of the children. Having to adjust to us being on our own to being throw in the deepend spending the day with a new family after just 5 months isn''t on imo.

Just another twist of the knife in my back, feeling really low today anyway. Got my Nisi through yesterday and was a bit upset by it TBH. Don''t know what to do :-(

  • fairylandtime
  • fairylandtime's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
13 Jun 12 #336547 by fairylandtime
Reply from fairylandtime
FP

I am so sorry you are here & this is happening to you, I quite understand why you feel it is too early for your children to see the "new family" not only for you but for them in terms of confusion, they are still so young & may not have actually grasped what is happening.

Your x dos seem to be quite insensitive, if the children were "part of the reason" he left etc then why does he feel the want to bring them into the "new family" doesn''t seem to ring true to me.

Every step in this winding road is hard, the Nisi, the Absolute, the finance, just the day to day - so don''t be hard on yourself & let yourself morne.

As for your name "fallingapart" you aren''t fallingapart you are stronger than that, you have held it together thus far & kept the roof. Being the constant for your children - you are doing it & are stronger than you think.

(((hugs))) JJx

  • happyagain
  • happyagain's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
13 Jun 12 #336548 by happyagain
Reply from happyagain
Many people would agree that this is too soon but really the only person who can agree to stop this happening is your ex. I can see that this has happened all very quickly for you, and the particular betrayal of the affair being a family friend, you must feel completely lost.
However, what I would say is that your children are still very young and they will quickly adjust to new faces and situations. You can try and stall your ex introducing his gf but if he wants it to happen, it will happen. It is best that you find a way to do this without too much acrimony. You are, and always will be, mummy. I also think your ex sees the kids way too little and you need to sit down with him and discuss regular and more frequent contact. This is in your kids interests and your own - you need to take a break from things occasionally and restart your life.

  • jslgb
  • jslgb's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
13 Jun 12 #336551 by jslgb
Reply from jslgb
Hey,

I went through the same thing. OW was close to the family, knew my child very well. We attended mediation and was told that we should be in a relationship with a new partner for 6 months before introducing children to them. My daughter was also 4 and very confused and my stbxh stuck to this arrangement. To be honest i told him if he didnt i''d stop contact. I dont condone that method or suggest i was right in doing so but my daughter was really struggling and i wanted what was best for her. My ex tried to push it a few times, saying it was 6 months when we hadnt even been separated 6 months, ringing up when he had my daughter to say he was going to go ahead and introduce them etc. In the end he didnt, and they waited just over 6 months and when i gave my consent.

The main change for me was that i didnt think stbxh was a good dad or capable of looking after my daughter properly - something he has continued to prove is true!! But someone asked me why i didnt want the OW involved, was it because of my feelings or my childs? I answered honestly, bit of both, this woman betrayed me so obviously a lot of hurt there. However, as OW was a qualified childcare provider i was asked if it would not be safer for my daughter to have her around if i thought stbx lacked parenting skills. This made a lot of sense! Since they met, the OW has been there for almost every contact which my daughter isnt happy about but not much i can do about that.

I totally understand your concerns especially with your children. It may be that your children will be fine with the situation and it is us that are left feeling devastated. However you approach it just remember is a few short hours once a fortnight. You''ll get through it and it''ll get easier xx

  • hollytree
  • hollytree's Avatar
  • Junior Member
  • Junior Member
More
13 Jun 12 #336590 by hollytree
Reply from hollytree
I completely understand your pain, and feel for you even more as your children are so young. My husband also had an affair and has introduced his girlfriend and her children to our 7 year old son against my wishes as I felt it is far too soon. The "meeting" happened in any case on Friday night and I was a complete basket case all night despite being a very strong person! I was just starting to come to terms with it, when the one line email arrived on Monday morning telling me they would all be going on holiday together in July. Smashing.

I think this is the single hardest thing I have had to cope with so far. Everyone tells you that the kids will be fine, and will adjust, and as long as they are happy then that''s all that matters. While I fully accept this, it only takes care of one side of the story. You as the mum are equally important in this, and your feelings also need to be addressed.

I think it is also the sense of being bullied into something that involves your child, and no account whatsoever is taken of your feelings. Knowing they are "playing at happy families" and moving on with their lives hand in hand, while you are still coming to terms with the reality of the situation and what it means for the future. They have a future all mapped out, so feel that they are perfectly justified in what they are doing. I was told quite bluntly that a court would consider it reasonable for them to be introduced at this stage (he left 8 months ago), and that they couldn''t be expected to live their lives in a vacuum. ..and that it was about time that I moved on.

I asked a male friend who went through this a few years ago if he found it hard when a new daddy was introduced, and he said, it hurts like hell at first, and then you just get used to it. I can only liken the feeling to a bereavement, and while I can be rational and sensible about it all, it doesn''t stop you feeling immense hurt and pain. I have to believe that it will get easier, that things are always hard the first time you have to face them, and as time goes on you will adjust and the pain will lessen.

As I said, I feel your pain and I have to say just reading the comments on here has given me new comfort and strength. Thank god that there are genuinely caring people out there that will take the time comment, and with golden nuggets of one liners that I can keep in my head to keep me sane! Good luck and take care of yourself xx

  • Lostboy67
  • Lostboy67's Avatar
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
More
13 Jun 12 #336600 by Lostboy67
Reply from Lostboy67
Hi,
The first thing to say is the statment of arrangements for children isn''t binding its just to show that the welfare of the children has been addressed in some way.
I can understand why you feel it is too soon, 5 months is quite short, but for him, it may be longer than that since he stared his relationship with the OW.
One way or another he is going to introduce her at some point.
The chances are if he took you to court they would support him, the difference is that you would both have a lot of stress and legal fees to go with it.
You could suggest that this Sunday is a little too soon and suggest some point in the near future which would allow you at least a little time to adjust yourself to the situation.

LB

  • fallingapart
  • fallingapart's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
14 Jun 12 #336673 by fallingapart
Reply from fallingapart
Thanks everyone for the advice and support. This is hurting like hell at the moment and its stress that I really don''t need. My nan is dying in hospital with very little time left at the moment and the grief that I am dealing with at the prospect of losing her coupled with all this stress that the stbx is piling on despite knowing the situation with my nan is just overwhelming me.

I understand that children are adaptable and will probably be ok with meeting the OW, but it will be me that has to deal with the fallout and the questions "why is daddy living with her and not here" etc and at the moment I just think that things like that will break me.

The contact agreeded in the beginning was my stbx''s idea not mine. He just wanted to keep his hand in with the kids! The fun parent that doesn''t have to deal with the day to day stuff and the tantrums. Pay me off and I''ll deal with everything.

God I feel so, so low today again. Sitting here with my 2 year old son chatting away to me on the verge of tears all the time again. I thought I was doing so well, but everything in my life is making me feel trapped. I want to move from "our" house but have been left solely on benefits so won''t be able to get any sort of mortgage, theres not much equity in the house anyway maybe £20k which is not nearly enough for a deposit for a house in the South East. I can''t work to support us as I can''t afford to pay for the childcare that would entail.

I just feel stuck down a hole that is getting deeper and deeper tied to a bloke who when it comes down to it walked away without a backward glance to live with someone I considered a good enough friend to have as my bridesmaid and godparent to our daughter. This pain is immense and I just can''t ever see a time when I am going to be "alright" with this situation.

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11