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a stroppy teenager approaching? HELP!

  • survive
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18 Jun 12 #337475 by survive
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Hi wiki''s

I haven''t posted for some time. But I just feel I need some advice re: my eldest who has just turned 11.

He has always been a sensitive boy and prone to mood swings, but they have been controlable. He is very well behaved at school and is doing extremely well in everything he does, both academically and sports wise. When ex and I split, he kept a lot in. Last Sep, he then let it all so to speak, by giving lots of cries for help, to the point where I involved the school and was going to go via the councelling route as he was on the verge of self harm via some actions. However due to an excellent teacher and several discussions with the school, along with his dad and I explaining why we had split, in child friendly terms, I think he calmed down a lot and seemed to accept the situation. The relationship between ex and I is very hostile and there is no communication except via e.mail, for lots of reasons (those of you on here who may rememeber, my situation has worsened with time, and that is just the way it is).

However children have stabilised and seemed to have adjusted.

Recently, 11 year old, has had big outbursts of anger, talking to me like dirt and being totally disrespectful. He seems to be o.k one minute and then literally errupts like a volcano. I send him to his bedroon to calm down and then he apologises, but 15 minutes later he''s off again, either arguing with his siblings, being rude and aggresive towards me.

This has been constant and I can honestly say that the atmosphere in the house is like a warzone, I actually look forward to him going to his dads (which I know is an awful thing to say), but I don''t know how to deal with it or him. I had a calm chatr with him tonight about grwing up etc. Also I asked him why he felt so angry. All he replies is because of you? So I ask what has mummy done? he says I moan at him. So I say, when he has hit his brother and he is screaming, does he expect mummy to do nothing? Hump , he replies.
I know it is probably part of growing up, but I feel like I do so much for the children. He has just come back from a school trip for 3 days, on Friday, but I didn''t see him until tonight as he was with his dad. When i got all their bags, I had the whole suitcase full of dirty washing as well as the normall dirty washing from the weekend, including wet towels!!! I just feel like I am being taken for granted. Their dad doesn''t pay for all these holidays, he gets the pleasure of picking him up and returning all their dirty washing for me to do 3 days later!!

My children obviously don''t care about all this. But a little appreciation wouldn''t go amiss. My son thinks the sun shines out of dads backside. (when really he is a lying cheatingxxxxxxxx) I know he doesn''t speak to his dad like he speaks to me.

I asked son if he was angry at mummy, because myummy and daddy were not together, albeit we split Jan 2010. He said no.

I just don''t know what to do as I find it completely draining and don''t feel I deserve what he is throwing at me.

I told him tonight, that no matter what he says, mummy would always be there for him and I would always love him. "no you don''t,not when you tell me off, or send me to my room".
I explained that yes I did and why I did it, but he wasn''t convinced.

Anyway sorry for the ramble, just finding it stressful, which makes me sad, as I want to enjoy the time with the children.

Survive

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18 Jun 12 #337477 by pixy
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Sorry to have to tell you that this is par for the course even without the stress of a break up. If he''s ok at school then you have nothing to worry about except getting through the next 7 years, when to your great surprise you will suddenly discover that he''s a very nice young man.

I am so glad those years are behind me ...

((()))

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18 Jun 12 #337478 by Poppy P
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Hi survive

I just wanted to send you a big hug. I have an 11 year old and a 14 year old. Just sent then both to bed after a telling off. Good kiddies but spoilt and so ungrateful. Now having the little guilt trip.

What us mums have to remember. It''s unconditional, sometimes unrecognised, frustrating. But as a mum, it''s the best job in the world and we wouldn''t change it!!

Sleep well. X

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18 Jun 12 #337480 by survive
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Thankyou both of you.

Any suggestions for coping strategies? He reduces me to tears sometimes, I know the ''worst is yet to come''

how does one ''get through it''?

Survive

  • fairylandtime
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18 Jun 12 #337482 by fairylandtime
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Oh survive - teenage boys I have 2 & yes Moods are like switching the light switch on & off, just to keep you on your toes.

Ok so here goes:

They won''t even think about the washing / ironing & normal day to day work, like in Harry Potter the house elf (us by any other name lol does it all!!). - Its not lack of appreciation here it''s just lack or realisation.

A teenage boy''s life is all encompassing & they don''t actually see anything other than their little path & how hard it is to climb said path. On telling my eldest what a hard day i''d had once, I got a barrage of p/t job, homework, Alevels, school, friends ..... By the time he''d finished I was speechless :laugh:

They will defend your x to the hilt, don''t know why, mine do too even though IMO he is notching up the number of times he lets them down too, but think I is part 1) because he doesn''t "live" with them constantly, 2) x tries to be budy budy with them 3) they feel sorry for x & in part because we are "surviving" it appears we don''t need their help / sympathy etc 4) because he can play the good guy, no nagging required because they dont take any responsibility for the kids only the "fun" bits (if I have offended fathers here - I apologise, this is literally my experience although I whish it wasn''t)

We feel unappreciated - because we are the ones who are their constantly, the naggers, the screamers to get them out of bed in a morning, get them to bed on a night & have you done your home work etc etc & they act out against us why - because we are their constant, the one they can rely on & they know that (don''t ask them to recognise that to you though until they are 30 lol).

I have one who thinks he''s 25 (17 in reality) - the socialiser, the out all night & should be at x''s but will decide at x time to come home instead, etc etc & one who is the silent type, but like your son will have blips (you can feel them comming on but never know when they will strike - but when they do it''s hell).

But at the end of the day we love them to bits & would never change them, often say to mine, ESP in the height of an argument, or the aftermath, I love you & will always love but I don''t like your actions at the moment & that''s what we have to address (has to be when youngest h calmed down & stopped bouncing off the wall of course!).

Sorry this is so long, just to say I completely know where you are comming from & just hang on in there. My youngest threatened to leave & go to dads, & you know I got to the point that .... On waiting for him to return from his "walk" I thought ok then if it''s that bad I will help you pack, he''d changed his mind by the time he''d got back so I know how you feel there too.

Stay strong, look at them when they are sleeping, often helps me ;)

JJx

Ps coping strategies - try relate for counselling if you think he needs it, my youngest had anger management counselling & it really helped.

Calmness & letting things pass helps, pick your fights (some just aren''t worth the bother), a sit & chat of - how''s your day been etc. as for x cannot help you there sorry JJx

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18 Jun 12 #337483 by survive
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Thanks Fairy, that has really helped, Just to know it is all normal. I guess I was just expecting it maybe at 13/14, not 11 !!! It''s hard when you don''t get any back up.

I think too, that the washing bit in my post was just my anger at dad! I know that the children aren''t interested, nor should they be.

And all the bits you have said about children and their dads is all too true. Just wish it wasn''t all so draining. I guess I wonder if his anger is because of the divorce or just his age, and that always torments me... guess it will pass

Survive

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19 Jun 12 #337727 by fairylandtime
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Hi Survive

Your sons anger is probably a mixture of both, my youngest informed me at 12 that it was time his dad & I got back together - expecting me just to fix it (1 yr after x had left - so no chance basically), came out of the blue that one & had to explaine to son that it just couldn''t happen. It is a mixture of confusion & anger at "us adults" that they are acting against & possibly quite rightly, x acts as a kid himself (IMO) & our kids cannot accept this nor do they think they should do - we are supose to be the adults etc etc, but there is nothing that we / I can do about that really so stuck.

It is draining re the washing etc, I always get a weekends worth of washing to do when they return, basically I don''t think they see x''s as home / x will never take that responsibility of doing (or even thinking that he should do) their washing - that''s my job as the RP. Not sure about you but in my case IMO my x doesn''t do this to hurt / annoy me persay, but through interference / doesn''t think 1) I will mind 2) doesn''t care weather I mind or not. It is sometimes annoying (very) & sometimes really gets to me but then there is nothing I can do about it & no point in mentioning it for an argument so I no longer bother myself about it (most of the time). You will probably get to a stage where it no longer bothers you - I hope.

Plus 11 is not too young, my eldest started the "teenage moods" between 10-11, youngest took longer (& as he''s my baby & not allowed to grow up lol in my eyes, so this is harder for me to cope with)

Onward & Upward

JJx

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