How to support partner who isn''t seeing children?

My partner has seen his children twice (for a few hours - the last time being over 3 months ago) since Christmas. They are 4 and 5 years old. His ex stopped contact and said he''d have to take her to court if he wants contact; this was in March. He hasn''t applied for a contact order, though he has said several times that he will. He wants to see the kids but his ex makes things extremely difficult, causes him to be highly stressed and he feels so much happier without her in his life. But unfortunately, that means that the kids aren''t either. He doesn''t talk about them often, except to occasionally say he misses them. My daughter brings them up but he changes the subject. I''ve said he can talk to me about them, but he doesn''t. Then today, out of the blue, he asked if I''d be happy with them coming to live with us if they decide to when they''re older. It was in public and not the time to ask about his intentions but I fear he may think waiting until they''re older and can be contacted directly via mobiles etc is the way to go. However, they were only 1 and 2 years old when he and his wife seperated and contact has been sporadic since - I worry that they would struggle to even remember him if he left it that long. Also, he hasn''t contacted his ex wife since March to ask how they are or anything which does not look good on his part. She text a couple of weeks ago to ask if he plans on going to court to see the kids so she knows what to tell them; he didn''t reply. While I don''t agree with her stopping contact, I sympathise with the kids that they must not have a clue what''s going on or if they''ll ever see him again. I don''t feel it''s my place to badger him into going to court - I''ve made it clear that I fully support him in fighting for contact but ultimately they are his children and it''s his decision. Can anyone offer any advice?

I think the best you can do is provide a shoulder to lean on and a sounding board for your partner. It''s important not to be judgemental or escalate any conflict by taking on the dispute as you own.

He has nothing to lose by going to Court. He could act as a litigant in person and represent himself. You sound very supportive and if he does chose to go to Court he will need all the help and support you can give him. There is no doubt that having to go through Court for contact can be very stressful.



I wish you both the best of luck.

I have told him he has nothing to lose and he agrees but hasn''t taken any action and I''m starting to wonder if it''s unreasonable of me to ask to be told what his plans are? My daughter asks at least once per week when we''ll see the children again and I don''t think it''s fair to tell her that hopefully we will soon if we actually aren''t going to.

Hi Jenna,

I can sympathise with both of you. When my fiance first split from his ex, his contact was sporadic basically when she needed a babysitter she''d allow contact. She has a temperamental personality so everytime she threw her toys out the pram she''d stop contact and he wouldn''t see them for a few months; he''d then contact her once things had calmed down and seeing the children would resume. This went on for a year and over time the problems escalated and the ex told my fiance to put an application into court to see the children. He put this off as he really didn''t want to go through the process and the ex used to regularly text asking if he''d got a solicitor yet. At the finish my fiance caved in and started the ball rolling - 3 years later and he''s still going through the courts.

The longest he went without seeing his children was about 8 months but he''d still send them christmas and birthday cards etc to remind them that he was still thinking of them.

His mood swings were terrible and the situation threatened our relationship several times as the emotional pressure is very stressful. We make a bloody good team though together and my fiance has admitted that if he was single he''d have problably walked away a long time ago as he couldn''t bear to do all this alone.

It is horrible for the partner to experience as well and I''ve got worked up over it at times but its due to frustration particularly when the situation could be made so much easier.

Everyone acts differently though, however what I would say is that your partner ideally needs to make a decision sooner rather than later as the longer he leaves it the worse it will be for him and the children. The court process is a slow one at the best of times so even when he does submit an application he may have to wait a good few months for a hearing.

I wish you both luck xx

for me, I am rather surprised at this.
But I guess we all have different ways of coping with situations.
Make it very clear to him, and I have seen stories on here of similar.
If he is not in the kids life now, his ex will have poisened their minds so much against him it will be ingrained and he will have little chance of ever having contact with them when they are older.
I read a story of a man who contacted his daughter in her twenties, it was very strained and didnt continue. The kids blame them for abandoning them.
It is down to him, if he wants to see his kids he needs to start doing something now.
The txt from the ex was almost a shout in the dark for him to do something, seems like she aint going to do anything unless pushed.
Print these replies off and let him read them maybe.

Its down to him, as I said, if he genuinely wants to be in their lives he needs to stand up and sort it, no one can do it for him and he isnt just going to be able to pick up chatting to them in a few years time, they will not want to know.

CJ - Our partners exes sound similar - contact was increased dramatically when she had a partner and wanted to go for weekends away etc but it always stopped and started when she felt like it. He can''t even send cards or anything as they may well have moved again and even then, his ex wife wouldn''t pass them on. He alternates between being stressed/burying his head in the sand but unfortunately, until he makes his move and gets the ball rolling with court, things won''t improve. I think he''s hoping that his ex will get in touch to arrnage contact, which she did previously after he hadn''t seen the kids for 6 months. However, even if this did happen (which I can''t see) then arrangements still wouldn''t be fixed, she''d be free to change them as and when she decided to again and the kids would be more upset if he went back in and then out of their lives again.

Bobbinalong - He recognises that the ex will be poisoning them against him but he thinks that will be why they''ll choose to live with him when they are older (because he has never said anything bad about their mum.) At the moment her parents help her care for the children a great deal but her mum is ill and he thinks that when she isn''t around anymore she will need him/may not be able to cope on her own and therefore support the idea of the kids living with him. I have offered him my support, but like you say - it is up to him to stand up if he wants to see his kids and the longer he leaves it the worse it will get. He has gone for long periods of time without seeing them (yes, she''s stopped it but he could have gone to court sooner) he has never had any involvement with their schools, they have moved and he hasn''t demanded to know their address, he knows nothing about their lives really. Unfortunately I fear that if they do go to court then his ex will have a very easy job of making it look like he doesn''t care/hasn''t been dedicated to his children.