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Who should arrange holiday contact - RP or NRP?

  • Jenna29
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21 Jun 12 #338261 by Jenna29
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Daughter is 4.5 years old, have been seperated from her father for almost 3 years during which time he hasn''t had any extra contact in school holidays except one extra night at Christmas. Previously I have asked numerous times if he''d like extra contact, only for him to ignore me until the week of school holidays and then tell me no. This obviously leaves in the position where I make plans guessing he''ll say no or I make no plans and wait around for him to decide. I have emailed once over a month ago about the summer holidays, asking whether he''d like any extra contact so we can plan some dates so that I can make plans on other dates with our daughter. He hasn''t replied but he has told our daughter he''s taking her abroad for a week in August. Do I keep asking about dates, or leave it to him to ask me?

  • maisymoos
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21 Jun 12 #338263 by maisymoos
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I would send a final email saying you have tried to discuss dates but have had no response, but now need to make your own plans and that he will have to fit in around them.

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22 Jun 12 #338264 by humdrum
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I have been in a similar situation, although in my case stbx had contact for half the holidays. It is often a form of controlling behaviour to fail to respond and leave you hanging. If he has made promises to your daughter but not mentioned anything to you, do write or text saying you need to hear his proposals by (deadline), and that if you have not heard by then, he will either have to fit in with your plans or nothing.

  • hawaythelads
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22 Jun 12 #338266 by hawaythelads
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Next time he''s hanging around your house for an hour at drop off having a nosey at your calendar why not ask him directly?
"Oh yes why you are looking at the calendar let''s book in this weeks holiday you''ve promised our daughter in August what date is that?"
Simple straight forward communication is the way forward.
If he is then obtuse,or admits he has nothing booked as of that time relatively easy to ascertain I would suggest telling him well I''ll book these 5 weeks and leave this one free just in case.
This will have two advantages for you.
1,You will find out the holiday dates.
2,If he is deliberately evasive then you can set your boundary of well if we can''t even utilise this time together at drop offs to sort the most basic of arrangements I fail to see why you need to come in the house for an hour at a time.
Win Win scenario.
I would have thought an intelligent university gal like you could have worked that simple solution out ;)

All the best
HRH
Professor of the university of life.

  • Jenna29
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22 Jun 12 #338296 by Jenna29
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I have used him looking at the calendar to try and arrange dates on so so many occasions but he is non-committal. He won''t communicate via email/text and I''m sure he is that paranoid that he thinks my house is bugged! He just makes an excuse that he''ll have to check his diary and give me a call. I''ve called him at the time he''s leaving with our daughter to tell him to bring his diary so we can sort dates when he drops her off, but everytime he ''forgets.'' I like your second point about not needing to come in the house if he can''t discuss dates, will use that one :)

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22 Jun 12 #338307 by Fiona
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The way we used to do is I would send a written list of dates when the children would have something on at the beginning of the year and ask my ex when he wanted the children for holidays. If he couldn''t commit I would write a week or so beforehand to tell him I was booking holidays so he had time to object. If he still couldn''t commit I booked the holiday.

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22 Jun 12 #338311 by Jenna29
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Humdrum - At mediation my ex said he wanted half of the holidays but so far hasn''t had any extra holiday contact, besides an extra night at Christmas. We didn''t get a contact order drawn up which was his decision - probably as he knew he couldn''t actually have her half of the holidays (particularly when he''s just used most of his holidays from work to go to Vegas for a stag party!)

MaisyMoos - I have tried that, and then he tells our daughter that they''ve been to Disneyland/Barbados/the moon (maybe the last one is exagerrating; my point is - he lies!) and that she could have gone, but Mummy had arranged for her to go somewhere else instead.

Fiona - We are only going camping for a few days in August, but it''s just not being able to book tickets for days out during other weeks in case that is when he decides he''d like to see her (if he does at all) which is frustrating.

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