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My eldest daughter wont speak to me

  • desperatedadx
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22 Jun 12 #338333 by desperatedadx
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Please help. I split from my ex partner of ten years almost 4 years ago. at first I was seeing my children every weekend and sometimes throughout the week also and my family had contact with them also. However when I met my current partner my ex hit the roof she left the children with me for 2 weeks why she had a mini breakdown she was turning up at my house at all hours and also at my current partners house demanding to speak to me. after she left the children with me is when things started to change my eldest daughter who was 6 at the time would not see my current partner and the last time I saw her was nov 2009. I have seen my youngest a couple of times since however not had any contact with them for almost 3 years. I am currently going through lenghtly court process and have managed to get CAFCASS and a contact centre involved and have started to write letters to them both the 1st occassion both children wrote back but now only my youngest wil read my letters. the contact centre have said they need to do a lot of work with my eldest however their mum is not working with them to help with anything.

has anybody got any advise for me as Im really struggling with all of this and it is affecting me in everyway I just want to see my children x

Many Thanks

  • sun flower
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22 Jun 12 #338353 by sun flower
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I would beg anybody thinking of separating - casually thinking one spouse or partner should be exchanged for another to read this and other posts and look at the turmoil it puts your children through.

  • halfadad
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22 Jun 12 #338356 by halfadad
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Hi desperate dad.

SOrry about the situation you are in, it soudns hellish. I have a couple of questions:

How old are your children now?
After your daughter had been left with you for a couple of weeks, I assume she then returned to live with your ex? How long after that did contact continue?
How long after seperation did you meet your now partner?
HAve CAFCASS or the contact centre noted that your ex is refusing to work with them or is that just your opinion?

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24 Jun 12 #338753 by desperatedadx
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they are now 8 and 6 yes they went back and i carried on seeing them daily for a few hours and then went back to overnight contact it woz 12 months before my children met my new partner I did meet her quite soon after leaving my ex about 2 months we met through a mutual friend
yes the contacted centre have said that she is proving difficult when they have tried to make appointments to see the children they have been cancelled and she has just not showed up etc.

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24 Jun 12 #338754 by desperatedadx
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I did not casually think that one spouse could be exchanged for another I waited 12 months before introducing my children to my current partner. I did not take the decision to leave lightly it was after all else failed and I felt that my children were suffering due to being subjected to listening to the constant rows etc. that I decided to leave

  • BoysMum
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24 Jun 12 #338755 by BoysMum
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Desparatedad

Your daughter is at a difficult age, and I speak from experience. Although they are children, they very quickly form their own opinions and think about the situation more than we give them credit for.

My ex left when my son was 5 and he is now 7. Ex has refused to have contact with the children, so slightly different to your situation. However, from the day Dad left, my son was very aware of the situation, hurt,angry,felt abandoned ect ect.

I have promoted contact and speak positively about dad. But, as much as I have tried, and the extended family have tried, he will not even talk about his Dad. I hoped once the anger had subsided, he would come around. He would refuse to speak on the telephone to his Dad, and if dad ever wants contact in the future, I am sure I will have an uphill struggle on my hands.

Everyone says that kids a resilient and adapt to change. This is not the case with my son.

I think they are left with trust issues, far beyond we realise. They take dad leaving as a personal rejection. All kids are different, and deal with things differently. But just to reassure you, your daughter is behaving as my son does.

It would be very easy to blame Mum, alienating your daughter, but I can guarantee that this is not the case in my family, and still my son refuses to even mention his Dad. Your daughter is hurt and she will need time to heel. The impact separation has on children is immense and we need to recognise that. She will come round, but I think she is going to need time and you will need to put a lot of effort into reassuring her. You were the foundation of her life, and you have walked away ( in her eyes).

It will get better, but be patient.x

  • LUT2
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24 Jun 12 #338770 by LUT2
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Please don''t stop making contact, no matter how many times you''re ignored: either by email, phone, text or letter - even if you are not sure they get these messages. You''re hurting and they are hurting even more, be kind, patient and remind them how much you love them. Also, don''t say bad things about the ex, concentrate on your children and the positive relationship you want to have with them.

I know it''s painful, beyond words but keep trying (gently). from a loving Mum!

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