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stbx ignored the children.

  • whichwaytuturn
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08 Jul 12 #341930 by whichwaytuturn
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hello everybody im just ranting. if anyone has been in this position either as the stbx,partner of stbx or PWC. i would appreciate your thoughts.

Long story cut short. children havent seen stbx since xmas eve. He promised them the world and let them down very quickly.

The youngest contacted him about a fortnight ago with new mobile number he did respond but soon became a rant by stbx as to how the children have let him down because they dont see him and its not his fault he has hurt them and continues to do so.

Youngest explained that they were upset as he didnt contact sister re birthday in June, or brother regarding operation on his wrist. This again was twisted round and apparently it was his mums fault as she didnt tell him. ( even though mil has stated that she did tell him re op).

He asked what they wanted from him as he missed them and loved them etc she just said she wants him to be a dad like he was before he left to be with OW. this resulted in him ranting further that he will always be her dad even when he is dead he will still be her dad. She gave up at that point.

Yesterday was mil birthday and for the 1st time since the split all of the children bought mil presents and card and decided to take them to her on her birthday. whilst they were there Dad arrived, he didn''t even acknowledge that they were there and stayed in garden with mil out of the way. when he left he put his head into the room that they were in with fil said goodbye to his dad and left.

Eldest are not visibly bothered and they thought it rather funny that he acted this way. Youngest who is 14 is very upset and asking how can dad do this, all they want is dad and he ignores them. If he dont step up and be a dad that he will miss out on so much of her life.

As a mother i am appalled that a man who professes to love and miss his children can hurt them this way. Can he not see what damage he is doing to them emotionally, or does he not care. As for his parents they must have felt awful yesterday they are thrilled to have the grandchildren back in their lives. This has been instigated by mil and myself.

If i was with a man who had treated his children this way i would be so angry, yes she was the ow as they had an affair. He lives with her and her children they have no children together. I accepted that he is with the ow and dont have any contact with him at all, I have tried that on many occasions i either get sworn at or ignored so i dont bother as the children are all teenagers i dont need to contact him at all.


sorry for the long post rant over. but if anyone has any thoughts i would love to him them

Thank you

  • spooky
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08 Jul 12 #341935 by spooky
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Sounds very familiar.

My x would ignore the girls in the street and they would be very upset.

The last time he saw them was on the instigation of my youngest who asked that he took 3 of them out for her birthday meal.

He made it very clear that he only wanted to see that child but she stuck to her guns about the others coming as well.

He dictated where they went even though they said that they wanted to go to another restaurant and insisted that he picked them up even though they wanted to walk.

They were home within an hour. His new wife and her child were there and their grandparents who they hadn''t seen for many years.

He didn''t speak to them during the meal. They felt that the meal was rehearsed, they weren''t even allowed to sit next to their Dad at the meal.

We have been divorced for 10 years now and things have not improved.

He has always seen my eldest daughter and she was always given extravagant gifts and lots of money. This has caused much resentment between the sisters and I have had to work very hard to smooth the waters. Best example, eldest daughter got a laptop and £500 as well as £3500 for a trip to Australia for her 18th. Second daughter got £50!

I struggled for a long time to try and improve things for them but after many years I gave up. They are beautiful, bright and clever girls and he has missed out .

There is nothing you can do. I did everything you have done, you cannot force them to change.

My eldest daughter is graduating next year and is already worried what is going to happen. She will have 2 tickets, one for me and one for her Dad. I am more than happy to sit next to him, share a meal with him and exchange pleasenteries for the sake of our daughter but he has refused to come unless he and his wife have the 2 tickets a he says that she deserves to go more than me!

There is nothing to say but I will be there!

  • happydays67
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08 Jul 12 #341942 by happydays67
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Not sure I can shed any light on why people behave like your ex but can understand how you feel. My ex has had very little contact with our kids over last couple of years mainly kids choice now due to his behaviour.

He is happy to tell everyone else how much he misses them and loves them but when given the chance to talk and sort things out always messes it up. Tells me it is my fault the kids dont want anything to do with him yet tells them it was their fault me and him split up!.

Like you I feel he has missed out on so much time that he can never get back. One of the kids told me the other day that until recently thought they would sort things out when ''Dad got a grip, sorted his life out and started behaving like a decent human being again but now dont believe thats ever going to happen.''

I can never decide if its a guilty conscience makes ex behave the way he does or if he really is totally incapable of taking responsibility for his own actions.

Either way I am proud of how the kids have turned out despite the difficulties they have had to deal with but its a shame their Dad cant appreciate them too.

  • blonde cazza
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08 Jul 12 #341945 by blonde cazza
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My ex is like this too.He sees our son on the weekend but all the promises he makes him turn out to be empty.
My ex doesnt speak to me at all even though ve tried to keep it all civil.
I invited ex to our sons bday he didnt want to come...invited him last christmas as he had told our sn he was alone on christmas day again didnt want to come and the final straw was he didnt want to see him on fathers day...because he could see him the day before.
Why cant they see the damange they are doing to these kids before its too late...because my son is now like a puppy trying to please its master!

  • Forseti
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08 Jul 12 #341949 by Forseti
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I have no answer or solution to this but I can confirm that it seems to be very common and that it is not only fathers who behave like this, though as around 95% of non-resident parents are fathers it is mostly fathers.

I am not aware of any studies addressing the psychology of non-resident fathers. We have a culture, a government, a judiciary and many mothers who think fathers are second-class parents and optional at best. They are expected to pay but not to be involved in any other way.

These are men (and women), however, who are not being excluded and who are encouraged to participate and be involved parents. It might be different if they resented parenting only on the other parent''s terms, and being "allowed" contact by the other, which so many fathers find demeaning and humiliating. Those of us who have to care for these abandoned children know how deeply damaged they are by the absent parent''s behaviour and just have to deal with the fall-out.

Perhaps one day someone will care about this phenomenon enough to commission a study.

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08 Jul 12 #341952 by spooky
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There must be another way.

The Court system (when involved)creates an atmosphere of such animosity and ultimately it is the children who suffer. I worry for the future of my children and their ability to form lasting partnerships.

I''m sure that my x and the Father of my children would agree with everything you say but hand on heart I think I did all I could in the circumstances. I am not perfect and I''m sure I made mistakes when emotions were running high.

Communication must be the key and a different approach on separation to protect the children.

I am a great believer of shared residence as the first call. Parents should both make compromises on separation.

I have friends who have successfully co- parented on divorce, it takes a lot of hard work, maybe the courts and other agencies should concentrate on that rather than pitting one parent against the other.

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08 Jul 12 #341955 by Forseti
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spooky wrote:

There must be another way.

Maybe the courts and other agencies should concentrate on that rather than pitting one parent against the other.


Hear, hear.

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