stbx ignored the children.

Good post spooky. I also believe in 50/50 shared residence as the default. If parents wish to co-operate equally in the care of their children they should be encouraged to do so by law.

However, the structure of the benefits system and child maintenance payments whereby if the children are with one parent, the other parent loses financially, is a barrier to mutual co-operation by parents. It can be sufficient reason for some parents to try to curtail contact drastically, sometimes to the point of discouraging contact altogether.

I havent seen my kids for years - my ex wont allow it.

Hes a pratt - if he cant see that ill take him down an alley way and show him the error of his ways!

Men like him make my bloody boil and I AM one!

Stepper,

That''s what I mean about compromise.

If 50:50 residence to succeed both parents should share benefits if necessary.

50:50 residency of young children would allow both parents to work and thus contribute taking the burden of the one parent who pays CM (usually the Father)and giving the other parent some financial independence.

My x and I divorced 10 years ago. We had traditional roles once we had 4 children where I stayed at home and he worked.

There was never any negociation or even thought of shared residence. In fact there was never a conversation at all. I stayed at home and we followed the acrimonious court route over contact and finances.

With the benefit of hindsight it would have been much better for the children if we could have cooperated, I could have returned to work and he may have felt less resentful.

This is all "in an ideal world" scenario and in my case there was a 3rd party involved who would have not been happy to see us getting on even for the sake of the children.

I wish my children''s Father was more involved.

For those who think that children don''t need their Fathers, a word of warning........single parenting is tough!

Unfortunately this situation is all too common as borne out by this thread

My stbx always favoured our daughter (she is nearly 24) - he regularly called our son a "thick c**t" and an oxygen thief - the delightful "thick c**t" pet name was mentioned on my divorce petition siting Unreasonable Behaviour

We live apart and have done since March 2011 and whenever he has seen our son, he has completely ignored him (son is nearly 20) - a few months ago my son was involved in a bike accident and unfortunately was not wearing his leathers (he had only popped out to see a mate who lives about 2 miles away and for once said he couldn''t be bothered to put his leathers on for such a short trip) totally against his own rules for riding as he is the one that always says never get on a bike without the proper equipment. Anyway, he was involved in an accident and ended up in hospital for a week having skin grafts and not once, not once, did stbx - his own father - ring him, text him, ask about him - not once !!!

We are not going through a custody battle, nor a maintenance one, either child or spousal - as obviously my children are adults and i earn enough to live on - we are just battling over a fair settlement after a 24 year marriage so it is not that that stops him having anything to do with his own son, he has CHOSEN to have nothing to do with him - he never treated him the way he treated our daughter at any stage, so I am not surprised my son has changed his surname to my Maiden Name, neither am i surprised he says he does not have a father. I don''t encourage it but he is old enough to make up his own mind but I just cannot understand why a parent would turn their back on their child by choice?

Sorry, I was no help to the OP and rant over but it just shows that this is sadly all too common

xxx

Dickheads sadly!
Enough said really.
All the best
HRH xx

thank you for everyones comments. its sad that there are many others in this situation.

It was stbx choice to have affair, leave and move in with the OW. But he is supposed to be a grown up, so start acting like one. Yes in the past the children have put him in awkward situations by asking him to explain himself. He never has just covers the cracks. Children now see through that but ultimately he is their dad and they want him in their life. he says he wants them in his but when given the chance dont even bother to communicate with them.

Our lad said the other night that he dont have a dad he has a father, if he was a dad he would still be in his life.
What a statement that was.

Forseti perhaps it is time someone did look into this and see how it effects the children that are left behind.

spooky i would love to co parent but thats very difficult at the present time due to his inability to even talk to them.

happydays67 maybe it is guilt that stops them acting in a proper manner to their children. i know my mil said once that she felt the reason he couldnt speak to me or even look at me was through guilt,maybe that extends to the children too.

stepper In some situatons i think 50/50 residence is a good idea. In my case obviously the children are older but since the split in 2010. They have never met or spoke to the OW or her children. Their dad has never requested this to happen and in most cases when they have seen dad its as though she dont exist. Even my inlaws dont know where she lives and have never met or been introduced to her children. i fact they have only seen the OW on a handful of occasions.

Wmorris2 im sorry that you haven''t been allowed to see your kids. I don''t understand people that do that to ex partners or the children. I agree my stbx is a prat and i would love someone to show him the error of his ways. after yesterday i could''ve easily punched him lol.

Epitome title i feel for you what an awful thing for a parent to say about thier own children. Infact thats an awful thing to say about anyone.

Hawaythelads yes definately dickheads lol and thank you.

It is very difficult to understand this, there is no benefit to anyone, including the parent themself. It''s very sad indeed for the children.

I suspect that there are a variety of reasons. Men sometimes aren''t very good at processing and dealing with their own feelings, and I wonder if sometimes they just shut themselves off emotionally in order to cope with the pain of separation. It could well be guilt where the parent has left for an OW, or a way of punishing their ex, or expressing anger. I''ve also heard of cases where the OW pressures the father to break from the children, and threads on this forum by men who are considering "giving up" after long battles to see their children. I''m also sure that some are just dickheads as Haway suggests.

Either way, it makes no sense to me at all.