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Sick of being civil now

  • jumpingthroughhoops
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16 Jul 12 #343503 by jumpingthroughhoops
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How many years need to go by before the disputes over children and who has what say finally end?
Been a few years since I got shared residence and since that time have by children 3 nights a week, pay child support at the CSA''s recommended amount and all the time have tried to remain civil.
I still get told how to raise my kid''s, what I can and can''t do with them and each time I go along with what ex wants because it saves a lot of hassle. I get told when and were I can get their hair cut and how it has to be done, ex didn''t like me and kids living with my new partner so I moved out. Have done all I can to remain amicable but each time I solve one issue she finds a new concern. A recent joint decision was to allow the children a little more freedom in deciding when they wanted to stay with each of us, this led to her inviting the kids school-friends round to her house when kids were coming to me - of course kids then decide they want to go to there mothers, also offering to take them shopping to buy them stuff if they go back with her. I do not intend to start bribing my children to come to me so either have to go back on our agreement to let children decide (stick to court order) in which case I''m seen as the bad one or let her reduce my contact through bribery as so far when kids have asked to go back to there mum I''ve let them. I am starting to think that being civil is not paying off

  • rubytuesday
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16 Jul 12 #343508 by rubytuesday
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She is exerting a great deal of control, from what you have described.

Each time you bow down to one of her demands, she wins another victory, and knows that she will keep scoring points in this way.

Question is, do you want to live like this for the years ahead?

If it were me, and the relaxed approach wasn''t working, because of the reasons you have mentioned, I would be tempted to return to the arrangements laid out in the CO, that way you each know what''s happening and when, as do the children.

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16 Jul 12 #343514 by jumpingthroughhoops
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I think that the cause of this is that when we received the court order it gave me control in that it specifically said I was to inform her what days and when I would be have the kids. I neither asked for nor wanted this control, I don''t care who decides the days providing I see them.
Unfortunately the only people that are adversely affected are the kids. Most of her demands and rules are easy to go along with, I am aware that shared residence and PR mean I can do what I want with them during my time but sometimes it''s less hassle to just agree but her demands are starting to impede my time with kids and upset the kids. To the point that I''m now tempted to go out of my way to go against what she wants just to demonstrate that she doesn''t call the shots.
I want to go with whatever the kids want to do but if I do then she manipulates the situation. We live on the same street now and the kids want the freedom to visit me for an hour so when then want and vise versa, as much as I''d like that I don''t know how to stop her bribing them without resorting to the same

  • Chained
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16 Jul 12 #343522 by Chained
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Shared PR def. does not mean that one dictates what to do and the other follows. It basically means that you get to be the parent when the children are with you. She should learn to respect this.

Unfortunately, you have created a monster and I will agree with the previous poster in asking the question: Do you really want to live your life like this from now on? And what about your children? What do you teach them when you follow orders like this?

As you have seen for yourself, it does not lead to less hassle, it actually breeds more problems. And I am sorry to say, but this is not being amicable. This is a conscious decision to be controlled.

Amicable shared residence and parenting means cooperation and respect. I see nothing of this here, unfortunately. I have shared PR and Residence with my ex husband, two years now. Our son who is 6 yo, spends alternate weeks with us. When he is here or there NEVER do we interfere with eachother''s decisions. And trust me, our son knows and accepts the different parenting styles and discipline.

I hope you reconsider the definition of amicable and find the best way out of this for you and your children.

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16 Jul 12 #343523 by jumpingthroughhoops
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Thanks for the advice both. Will attempt a letter to her explaining that I now intend to stick to the court order exactly and that all flexibility will need to be removed for now, until a time when I feel it won''t be manipulated (that''ll be never then), furthermore on the days/nights the children are with me she will have no further involvement in what we do or how we spend our time.
She will take this as me being difficult and obstructive, possibly even threaten to restrict my contact (even though the would mean breaching the order).

  • Chained
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16 Jul 12 #343538 by Chained
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May I ask how old your children are?

I really disliked the bribing she attempts.

Is it possible that you can invite their friends over when they stay with you? I am asking this because this is what I do, actually. I even offer rides to collect and deliver... lol.

This way your children will have their friends around and you won''t have to create a situation.

Buying them stuff though, no way...

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16 Jul 12 #343541 by jumpingthroughhoops
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Kids are 7 and 5.

They''d be no point inviting school-friends around as they comprise mainly of ex''s friends children''s.

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