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Difficulties at School Advice wanted

  • positive99
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17 Jul 12 #343821 by positive99
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Hi

A little bit of history for those that are unaware of my background.

Husband left the FMH 13 mths ago. We have 3 children aged 2, 10 and 11. Since my ex has left contact has been limited.

My ex has gone through periods of not having the children overnight stating that until his circumstances change he is unwilling to have them stay at his flat. There is room at the flat for the children to stay and he has had them stay over for a few occasions.

The relationship between my ex and I is very strained and communication is kept to the bare minimum. For the past few months handovers and communication was between my ex and my father to prevent any further hostile situations in front of the children. However my ex has recently refused to have any contact with my father due to an issue that occurred. Basically approx 4 wks ago my father asked my ex if he would be prepared to have the children for a week during the 6wk summer holidays to give me a break. My father said to go away and think about it. A couple of wks later my dad asked him if he had made a decision regarding this request and my ex said no that he would not have the children until things changed. This was done amicably and calmly in front of my 11 year old. After my ex dropped the children back and left my father got several abusive msgs from my ex basically very annoyed with my dad for asking this question in front of my son. Due to this my ex refuses to have any contact with my father.

I currently live in the FMH and we are going through a divorce and the financial settlement. It is apparent that I may get to stay in the FMH for the next couple of years before i return to work when I would then be willing to move and re house etc. THis is what my ex is referring to when he says "when circumstances change".

My ex has a new partner who he met very soon after leaving the FMH. He has made it clear to me and the children that he is wanting to spend more time with this woman and told the children this. He is a shift worker and blames his shifts on being unable to see the children as frequently as they would like. This is in my opinion utter crap as other shift workers manage to have regular contact with their children.

The last few days my son has been getting into trouble at school for minor incidents. I have spoken to him at length regarding this and thought he was ok. He did seem very quiet and subdued over the last week or so but I put it down to end of term tiredness. Anyway today the deputy head calls me and explains that my son has been in a fight at school and whilst he was being dealt with for this incident he started to cry and became inconsolable for approx 30 mins. The teacher managed to obtain that my son is deeply upset regarding the lack of contact with his father and just kept repeating that "he misses his dad".

Now the teacher has asked if she thinks I would think it appropriate for the school to contact my ex and discuss these issues with him.

The difficulty I envisage with this is that my ex to date will not accept any responsibility for the difficulties with the children and believes that he is doing nothing wrong with his limited contact. I worry that he will take this information and just punish my son for his behaviour rather than trying to resolve the underlying issue. I don''t feel I can communicate with him as when I tried to do this in the past he dismissed it as me being bitter.

I am so frustrated at his lack of contact, I want to scream as he appears to put his new partner first before his children. Last week for example he saw his son for 1.5hours. I bet he saw his new partner for far longer than this.

Sorry for the rant at the end - if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. My son starts secondary school in September and his current deputy head teacher is extremely worried about him starting his new school without resolving his issues. Im afraid mud sticks in school once you become known for a trouble causer and I dont want this for my son.

  • Yummy_Mummy
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17 Jul 12 #343858 by Yummy_Mummy
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Hello

I hope you are ok.

I ve got to say that your ex is being disgraceful.

The fact of the matter is he is obviously selfish and I am not surprised that you are angry and picking up the pieces like many of us.

I think you ought to keep a record of all abusive messages, in this case your father should keep them.

I know you are worried about the ''mud sticking'' which is understandable but there are few factors here.
I think it is nearly the end of term and children whether going through divorce or not are all exhausted.

The school ought to understand - they don''t know him yet but I am sure your son is a great child but understandably angry so he has defended himself - that''s good surely rather than coming home all beaten up? I am not saying that getting into fights is acceptable but try talking to him, listen and explain.

It might be an idea that if he can contact ChildLine who children can speak to in confidence. Mine said that they felt better so it might be worth a try.

All you can do is continue to give your children your love and support where their father is lacking - I know it''s hard, really hard.

I really can relate to what you are going through.
Things are all up in the air so it is bound to be difficult but like me you are getting there slowly.
Hold in there. X

  • sexysadie
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17 Jul 12 #343866 by sexysadie
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Get to know your son''s head of year early in the new term. Make sure he or she knows that there are problems and that your son may be upset about not seeing his father enough. Some secondary heads of year are wonderful and we certainly wouldn''t have got through without two of them.

It''s quite possible that the school will also have a counsellor on site - many secondaries have. So it''s worth asking if your son can have an early referral, if you think he would go.

Best wishes,
Sadie

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17 Jul 12 #343869 by positive99
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thank you both for taking the time to respond.

I will do as you say Sadie and contact the school in advance to see if I can explain our situation.

I have spoken to my dad this evening and he thinks maybe it is not a b ad idea for the school to contact the ex and inform his of these latest incidents. Maybe not with the intention of his punishing his son but maybe understanding what the underlying issues are.

Son is upset yet again tonight. Ex is off work Thur, Fri with week. My son has his end of year school play on thur eve which my ex is attending. Son txt his dad and asked if dad could pick him up from school thur, give him tea and take him to school play, and then stay over at ex''s house and take him to school fri. Ex replies that he cannot get to son until 7pm Thur even. Son said ok but can I still stay over. Ex replied no he has to be somewhere early Friday morning!!!
This is the same man who has asked to have our youngest all day Friday.

So son see''s dad once this week in the audience at his school play.

I am so worried that I have damaged these children for ever. And in my ex''s words as they live with me full time it will be all my fault as he has nothing to do with it.

AAAARRRGG is it wine o''clock yet?

  • strongerthanithought
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17 Jul 12 #343871 by strongerthanithought
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It IS wine o''clock!

Cheers :woohoo:

  • MrsMathsisfun
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17 Jul 12 #343881 by MrsMathsisfun
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As other poster have said, end of primary is a stressful time for most children and your son maybe reacting to that as much as the stress of the divorce.

Tell the secondary school, they will probably have someone who is in charge of the transition stage.

You cant change your ex, so just make sure your consistent and there for your son.

  • Yummy_Mummy
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20 Jul 12 #344412 by Yummy_Mummy
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School term breaks next week and no help will be provided for the children as the schools close.

You may want to encourage your son or your children to speak to someone at ChildLine in the meantime.

It might be an idea to see if the senior school he will be attending is holding any summer clubs. There may be others in your local area.

This may help as he would learn to make new friends and help to build his confidence with other boys also in the group.

As far as you are concerned, yes definitely a bottle of wine time and I am here if you need a chat and a hug.

X

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