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Advice needed regarding new baby

  • jumpingthroughhoops
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22 Jul 12 #344715 by jumpingthroughhoops
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Look I can understand that my reaction is neither normal, appropriate or supportive & that it is likely to have a detrimental effect on my relationship. And I really have no need to be told about the errors of unplanned children, pretty much aware of what I should have done.
What''s done is done, relationship has never been particularly stable, we have our problems. But right now my ONLY concern is having another child that I have to spend three years fighting for just for the opportunity to be his/her parent including school runs and all the not so fun stuff, not every other weekend to the park.

I played a very active part in my others kids lives from the day they were born, feeds, nappies, baths everything. I was a full time, hands on parent, didn''t stop me having to spend 3 years fighting for anything more than eow all because there mother didn''t want me in the way of her new family.

  • hawaythelads
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23 Jul 12 #344720 by hawaythelads
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Hi JTH again,

Look as you quite rightly recognise.
As a father although you have parental responsibility in law.That pretty much is just there so that the state makes you pay child maintenance.
As you know once separated from the mother you are as a father demoted from the premiership division in equal parenting rights to about the GM Vauxhall conference.
That''s how it works in reality Mum calls the shots.
As you already know through experience Mum dictates everything as the resident parenting.Even when they are cooperative it is still their choice.The bloke is somewhat fecked when they ain''t.
Even the last review of family law has stayed a country mile away from even parenting rights for father.
The government policy is that the courts should try to push through contact with both parents that''s all.
So at the end of the day once you are becoming a father again you just have to accept that really if you split up with the mother you are always gonna be a second class parent.
There''s feck all you can do about it.
All the best

  • DrDaddy
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23 Jul 12 #344725 by DrDaddy
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Ok, well if your priority is being in your new child''s life, then your best bet is to try to make your relationship with your gf work.

If you split up, then you will either agree on arrangements or not, and if not, you will have to fight, as will she.
Really, there is nothing that you can do to avoid that reality. There is no magic solution, nothing she can sign to pre-agree shared parenting (how could that ever be considered in the "child''s best interest"?).

At least she knows that, for sure, if it comes to it you will fight your hardest, and that might make her more conciliatory. But you just shouldn''t be thinking like this. Try to enjoy your new baby, whatever the situation. S/he is a blessing.

  • missguided
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23 Jul 12 #344726 by missguided
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Just for your information arrangements aren''t always by the mother, I have agreed to exactly what stbx requested.
I personally wanted him to have son on a Sunday night too on his weekends (so son could make transition from one parent to another all day at school) as had problems with sun Eve. His father is more concerned about his social life and how tired he''ll be after a whole weekends parenting.

So please don''t judge us all the same, and remember its some fathers too, although we can''t fight this as no judge will ever force time on someone that doesn''t want it.

Miss x

  • rubytuesday
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23 Jul 12 #344742 by rubytuesday
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jumpingthroughhoops wrote:

Hi, I know that my reaction to finding out gf is pregnant is not normal, first thoughts are off sorted out shared residence order. And yes we are still together, :(
Spent 3 years battling lies and obstructions for shared residence of my 2 kids. Worst time of my life which I cannot go through again. GF said she''s pregnant and all I can think is if we split I''ve got to do it again. I don''t think emotionally and mentally I could cope with it again.
I asked her what kind of arrangement she''d agree IF we ever split up, (advice to all men - that is not the best response when gf says she is pregnant). She of course reluctant to discuss it but I really feel I need some arrangement in place even if just to get rid of that fear.
Is there any way we could agree to a shared parenting arrangement, have it signed in front of solicitor so it carries similar weight to a court order? ust so I know where I stand should it all go wrong?

I would think that given your 3 years spent in the family "justice" system, your reaction is not entirely unexpected. Those who have been quick to pass judgement on your reaction must have no idea of what years spent in courts fighting just to see your own children do to a parent.

Rather than focusing on the "what ifs", try focusing on the here and now, enjoying the pregnancy, get fully involved, keep building the relationship with your gf (who is probably quite shaken by your reaction) and look forward to meeting your baby when s/he is born.

Talk about how you plan to bring up this child together, what shape your family will take, if the relationship is a bit shaky, then that needs to be worked on, perhaps with some sort of couple counselling to help iron out those differences (or perhaps you talking to others who have been through something similar might help). If you run around doing the "what if/doom and gloom" dance, then your gf will feel even more insecure, and it will highlight the current problems in your relationship.

I can understand why you have reacted the way you have - the thought of having to fight yet again and not be able to do all the day-to-day things with this child must be playing heavily on your mind. After the last 3 years spent fighting, you must be emotionally shattered and quite naturally are concerned that you may have to do this all over again, should this current relationship fail and there are similar problems in being able to spend time with your new child. But, you know, it may not come to that, keep a little faith and a lot of hope, I really hope this all works out for you.

  • Justaparent
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23 Jul 12 #344747 by Justaparent
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I don''t think a lot of mothers will get where you''re coming from as they are very unlikely to be the every-other-weekend parent.

I can see where you''re coming from, one child lives with me now, and the other does 50-50.

But it was always in my thoughts that if I had more children, and I separated from the mother, I could end up in a horrendous court situation like my brother and not get to see the child at all.

So I made the decision I didn''t want any more children as I couldn''t face going through what I''ve seen a lot of dads go through.

  • Shezi
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23 Jul 12 #344784 by Shezi
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Hi jumping

I agree with Ruby, I can hear the pain of your experience in your posts.

However, in your gf''s shoes, THIS is quite likely what she''s hearing at the minute:

jumpingthroughhoops wrote:

But right now my ONLY concern is having another child that I have to spend three years fighting for...

She will want to be a concern too. However understandable your situation is (and it is), as someone above said, you are risking some self-fulfilling prophecy if you continue on this route.

I think your best chance of achieving something together in the future (whether that''s a relationship or a shared parenting situation) is in being able to share something now.

You need a little faith and a lot of trust. I would spend some time trying to develop that before going any further into an uncertain future.

Good luck


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