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Kids being turned against me.

  • Northernboy
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23 Jul 12 #344768 by Northernboy
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I''ve been separated 7 months now and have recently set up the Csa payments which I have no qualms about paying at all. I paid mortgage for four months when I left which is double the CSA and then stopped two months ago as I simply couldn''t afford it. Now stbx has told the kids that they will not be able to speak to me if the house gets repossed. I''ve filled all forms from the mortgage company to try and switch to interest only payment but my wife refuses to do this or pay anything towards mortgage yet still live in the house. If I were to pay my personal debts, CSA and the mortgage I''d have £80 a month to live on but the wife thinks it fair to pay for everything and now is asking for uniform money to!!! I can''t go on like this when will she realise it''s better to sell the house and share what equity is in the property about 30k. Oh well best get my tin hat out because I''m not paying the mortgage and my credit rating is already poor so I''m not to bothered about that only her telling kids they can''t talk to me again

  • Shezi
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23 Jul 12 #344776 by Shezi
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Hi Northernboy

I sympathise. You can only do what you can afford to do - she is probably in some financial panic herself about the future and you are her target.

You have to take the long view - whatever she says to the children today will not be the only thing they listen to. Ultimately, they will form their own view on their parents. How old are they? How often do you see them?

My only advice would be for you to see them as regularly as you can and be as consistent with them as you are able. What she also risks in taking this approach is turning her children against herself. Try not to engage with it. Easy to say, I know.

Shezi

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23 Jul 12 #344778 by Northernboy
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The kids are teenagers now and I see only one of them as the other doesn''t want to see me. The child I do see brings all his questions but I don''t want to discuss them with him unlike his mother it''s between her and me not me and the child. I see him twice a week but it''s getting hard when I''ve no home to take them to myself only my parents. She has sent her demand to the solicitor and I''m just about to send my back but this is going to get messy even though she says she wants a quick and amicable solution to our financial side of things.

Sometime I feel like just giving up and wish I''d stayed sad and miserable married.

  • happyagain
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23 Jul 12 #344796 by happyagain
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7 months might sound like a long time but it isn''t. Things will work out, I promise you, and you will know you made the right decision. Your ex can make all the demands she likes but she''s wasting her money if there isn''t enough to go round.
You have to take the long term view and stay whiter than white. You are right not to involve the kids. They will come round eventually but understandably feel confused and worried right now.

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23 Jul 12 #344824 by DrDaddy
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By "quick and ammicable", she probably means she wants you to agree to everything she wants.

I think that even young children are far more astute than parents often give them credit for - what they say to mum and dad isn''t necessarily what they actually think. If your children are teenagers then probably they won''t stop seeing you just because she says so. Can I ask if you left your marriage for someone else? This is likely to be a much bigger problem in your relationship with your children than your ex is.

Fair enough that you don''t want to involve them - but you could at least try to explain to them why that is.

  • jakeblues68
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23 Jul 12 #344870 by jakeblues68
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Don''t listen to this "they will come round eventually".....my kids have been turned against me despite me being pro active, caring and being the better person/professional about it all. I''ve never discussed any fine detail with my kids and never involve them or use them as weapons, unlike my Ex wife.
This however has gone against me....it turns out that money talks and even the kids can be turned with learned behaviour and constant attacks agains me the NRP.

Nip it all in the bud while you can, make her stand on her own 2 feet, whilst paying for the kids you should not be bullied into making further payments to her or paying for her house etc. She is an adult and should take on some responsibilty for her own future etc.

  • Northernboy
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23 Jul 12 #344877 by Northernboy
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Yeah it is one of the bigger problems but I just sick of the constant drivel she tells the kids and when I say anything to her she either a) get the police says I''m harrassing her or b) says the kids need to now everything and they make there own mind up!

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