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Kids being turned against me.

  • jakeblues68
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23 Jul 12 #344911 by jakeblues68
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I had to go to mediation with my ex as she could not communicate properly. In mediation she was told outright not to use the kids as she does, and basically to grow up and get some social skills.
During the divorce she was told exactly the same by 2 solicitors, her sol even refused to deal with her any more. Still it continues years down the line, not a day goes by when she doesnt have a go at me via the kids and usually about money or me being the bad parent/dad/person.
The kids take it all in, if you throw enough crap...it sticks!
So I guess i am saying, stop it before it gets worse mate, do not let it manifest any longer, consider legal action against her, i wish i had taken it against my ex....

  • MrsMathsisfun
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23 Jul 12 #344917 by MrsMathsisfun
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But eventually the children grow up and make up their own minds.

My partners father was excluded from his life for 10 years because of his mums actions, now he is closer to his dad than his mum, because he can see for himself what actually happened.

My partners mum often says ''''she is surprised her children have forgiven their dad for abandoning them, but all 4 children realise their dad had no choice but to walk away.

  • jakeblues68
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23 Jul 12 #344946 by jakeblues68
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I have waited nearly 15 years for my son to make up his own mind, he still lives with his mum therefore is still poisoned with her badness.
Please stop this "children will grow up and make their own minds" as it is not always true!

  • DrDaddy
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24 Jul 12 #344950 by DrDaddy
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jakeblues68 wrote:

I have waited nearly 15 years for my son to make up his own mind, he still lives with his mum therefore is still poisoned with her badness.
Please stop this "children will grow up and make their own minds" as it is not always true!


The thing is that really this can take a lifetime for children to come to terms with. It is not something that happens in 10 or even 20 years. Probably kids need to have their own kids in order to get a handle on it, but you are right, it is not guaranteed.

  • disneybunny
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24 Jul 12 #345141 by disneybunny
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Jake you will find the partners of men who walk away or claim to have been denied access often throw the line that the children will come back years later. I know in my mothers case she never did, her father died without ever making it up to his children. He did try but they wanted nothing to do with him.

Also my son coming up 16 wants nothing to do with his father. I have had the GF telling me they will run away from my wickedness as they grow up.

Yes a lot of times they get curious but more often than not they walk away again as their ''father'' turns out to be nothing more than a weak man who walked away and all the excuses in the book will not cut it.

  • DrDaddy
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24 Jul 12 #345143 by DrDaddy
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16 is still extremely young.

I am not saying you should wait it out. Quite the opposite. If it were me I''d do everything to keep as good as relationship as possible.

What I am saying is that there is always hope - it is not just "curiosity" that drives us to our parents: they are fundamentally important to our sense of identity.

  • Chained
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24 Jul 12 #345148 by Chained
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I can only give you my personal experience as advise.

My parents divorced when I was 7, I am now 44 years old. My father, although he had weekly contact with me, never took me overnight and never on holidays. I grew up to believe that he ditched me for another woman. Although he was constantly involved with my up-bringing, the damage my mother made by bad mouthing my dad to me, cannot be described. It took me 20 years to get the full picture when my mother was cought lying about something that I had to turn to my dad to find out. Then he told me the whole truth: that he was never allowed to have a relationship with me. That he had gone to court but back then, as you can imagine, he got nothing out of it etc.

Although I fully understood and still do, the years that were stolen from us cannot be returned, neither can a potentially good relationship with him.

So, to say that the children will grow up and understand is a Catch 22, actually. Will they ever and even if they do, what damage could they have endured by the lack of relationship with you?

I wish you all the best.

C.

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