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portrayal of an ex partner in court/ with cafcass

  • pudsey12
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24 Jul 12 #344949 by pudsey12
Topic started by pudsey12
There is an emphasis on not bad mouthing one''s ex partner to those with authority over your children. However, there are many here who appear to have partners who are a serious problem.

Not issues like being obstructive to colaborative conversation or changing contact schedules. These things make life annoying and difficult. But behavioural issues eg: really abnormal behaviour, false allegations, violence, inconsistant contradictory behaviour, lying that verges on fantasy yet has no real purpose. One, some or all of these reason could be way the person left the relationship.

Any tips on how to get across that there seems to be a serious problem with the ex (which is why they are an ex) without contradicting the above advice?

  • TBagpuss
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24 Jul 12 #345047 by TBagpuss
Reply from TBagpuss
I think the key is to stick to facts, rather than opinions.
Be clear about what you know from your personal experience and what is coming from a third party even if that 3rd party is the children)
Consider what is relevent to the particular issue at hand - (for instance, having an affair and lying about it is obviously a good reason why a marraige may have broken down, but is of very little relevance to the issue of contact)
Try to be constructive -
"I''m concerned about X picking the children up from school as he struggles with timekeeping and can be unrelaiable, so I think it would work better for him to pick them up from my home, 15 minutes after the end of school. That way, if he is delayed, or forgets, the childnre aren''t left stranded" is much more constructive that "he''s really unrealiable and unpredcitable"

There are some things, vilence, drug abuse etc which are alwys going to be relevent as they have a direct impact on the children''s welfare, so it would not be appropriate not to bring them up, so a big part of it is trying to look objectively at the situation and consider whether the paticualt behaviour or attitude does have welfare issues.

Even then, it can help if you are able to show that you are being sonstructive and trying to think how to work with the issue.
- e.g. offering supervised or indirect contact for someone who is a potential risk, offering contact on the basis that the person confirms this by phone/ text on the day for someone chronically unrelaiable, etc.

On e key issue ios whther you are looking at the situation in a way which is focussed on the child9ren) and their needs, rathr than at your own feeligns, wishes and history.

(And of course, it''s far easier to say than to do..)

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