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Do you make allowances for behaviour after contact

  • Jenna29
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01 Aug 12 #346792 by Jenna29
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My daughter who is almost 5 years old has been having alternate weekend contact with her father since we seperated 3 years ago. Her behaviour has always been bad when she returns from contact; at his house she has no rules whatsoever and pretty much tells him what to do and he does it. I have so far maintained consistent rules but today has been trying, to say the least (she returned from contact yesterday.) Usually she is fantastically well behaved but this morning she woke up shouting for me and would not get out of bed - she said I should carry her downstairs for breakfast (of crisps...!) like her father does. I, of course, refused. She then refused to get dressed, demanding I do it and also shouted for me when she''d finished on the toilet demanding I wipe her backside like her father does. She also refuses to eat fruit and vegetables as she doesn''t there, she says I should buy her what she tells me to etc etc. It''s like she''s swapped personalities with the biggest brat in the world.
I stood my ground and didn''t carry/dress/wipe/buy her anything which resulted in her missing the day out with her friends we had planned which she was really looking forward to. I explained what happened to my friend who we were supposed to see tonight and she remarked that surely my daughter will one day just say she wants to be with her father instead as everything is so much easier there and that if it were her child she''d make allowances for post contact bad behaviour to prevent that happening. What do you think? Do you make allowances?

  • jslgb
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01 Aug 12 #346794 by jslgb
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I havent really ever had this issue with my own child but my step daughter could be quite challenging. We would just sit her down and reiterate our rules to her and what we expected from her and that there would be consequences if she didnt follow our house rules.

You could make all the allowances in the world but it wont work for you, and when your youngest grows up she''s either going to wonder why her elder sister gets special treatment or follow in her steps and act the same.

I would speak to her about how different people and places have different rules and she has to follow the rules. If i remember correctly is she about to start school in september? You could tie this chat in with the expectations there and tell her what the consequences of her actions would be. Maybe confiscate a toy for a day etc.

I wouldnt tolerate it. 3 years has been more than enough time to adapt to the changes at home and you''d be building a rod for your own back if you allow it.

  • fairylandtime
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01 Aug 12 #346796 by fairylandtime
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Actually I would say not.

My 2 were very much older teen & pre-teen at split, eldest seemd ok, took on "man of house" aspect which I had to stop, & seemed to expect to drink as & when he wanted (as he did at x''s)! We had a hard conv re this to the point where I did say that if he wanted to continue like that then perhaps he would feel more comfortable at x''s because I wouldn''t have it.

Now I don''t mind him having a drink on wkends, with friends / in the house as part of meal etc, but he was binge drinking Friday - sat to the point of oblivion & I couldn''t stand that!

Youngest didn''t react well, very hurt & angry & would come back from x''s angry, we''d fight (or tbh he would with anything, ie tv, walls, remote etc)! Was also very insecure & needed a lot of tlc, we had problems at home, school etc. it has settled now & both seem ok, there are still blips but less & less.

Back to your thread, both kids could do what the wanted, when they wanted at x''s - I seemed mrs nagger & x mr fun, prob still is this. But kids need structure, barriers & consistencey - your x is making a rod for his own back & you, even at 5 I would say that you could inform said child, that maybe the way at daddies but here it''s ..... She will get the message, but you have to be strong & tbh even if she said she wants to go to x''s to live (& she will, even if later in an argument) at the moment at 5 that is her decision & as she grows she will see which is best, for school, for consistencey etc & that''s with you.

Stay strong JJx

  • redwine47
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01 Aug 12 #346803 by redwine47
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Keep it simple she''s only 5..she''s confused & playing up.

.You are mum & know best. All children need rules & boundaries... looks like that''s what you are providing, this is the security & stability ur child needs.

Obviously ur ex perhaps feels should spoil but long term ur children will prefer rules & stability. If you can''t talk to ur ex about routine & boundaries for her just stick to ur own.

  • Jenna29
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01 Aug 12 #346804 by Jenna29
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That''s exactly it - I am the nagging one and he lets her do/say anything and babies her. She knows my rules and she knows I won''t back down, we have had the ''different rules at different houses'' endless times but as she''s getting older she''s becoming more awkward and stubborn. A year ago I''d have said ''if you don''t get dressed you won''t be able to see your friends today'' and she would have done it. Today I said this and she refused, even though she knew I''d stand by what I''d said. Hence next time she sees her father she''ll tell him I didn''t let her go and he''ll pander to her and say I was wrong, he wouldn''t do that to her etc.

  • jslgb
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01 Aug 12 #346806 by jslgb
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Stick with it Jenna, he''ll back down before you do!!

  • redwine47
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01 Aug 12 #346807 by redwine47
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Forget bout him.

I have a 13 & 22 year old....... There was same problems with ex but older 22 now has no contact, no respect for stbx, sad but there you go. He still comes to me for advice wen suits... Lol

13. Year old still difficult as same as you can go to bed 2am all the usual cld be guilt thing re ex but child is always glad to come HOME (that stable place with rules).

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