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Not sending them how much trouble to expect

  • disneybunny
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03 Aug 12 #347093 by disneybunny
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Ok since my violent, mentally abusive ex won contact to my younger two children, the oldest aged eleven has been making himself ill with stress. he keeps saying he is not going, he is upset with me and angry with the world.
it will be at least fourteen weeks before an evaluation is done into he wishes and feelings which were not done before court. Also eight weeks before we are back in court to discuss how contact is going.
If the older child does not go it means sending a vulnerable four year old on her own to a man she does not know and that is something I am not willing to do.

Help me I would willingly go to jail to protect my children but they would end up in the hands of an abuser full time.

  • happyagain
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03 Aug 12 #347109 by happyagain
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I am afraid this would cause a lot of trouble. I know your story and I sympathise with your concerns but one thing that courts do not like is individuals who ignore their judgements. In my opinion, you would be in a far weaker position when your case returns to court if you follow this path of action.
You have said that your ex has never been abusive to your younger 2. Maybe the distress the 11 year old is displaying is because he is aware of the older child''s view, and yours. I remember my husbands ex reporting that their daughter (5) was ''hysterical'' at the thought of not being with her mum. I don''t doubt this but from the moment she set foot in our car, she didn''t mention mum once. Now our situation is different, as contact was being obstructed for no other reason than she didn''t want to be without the kids. But children pick up on vibes, even when they are not spoken about.

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03 Aug 12 #347120 by disneybunny
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My son saw ex attack me twice in 2011 and heard all the abuse screamed at by ex and GF down the phone till I got my phone number changed. He was nine when oldest threw ex out and saw mammy reduced to a confused crying wreck from the constant abuse. The school has him under a CAF because of the behaviour he exibits when ex comes near, the CAF clearly expressed his wish not to have ex near him.
He will not be called by his own surname to the point the school asked me to sign off on a known by name and he reffers to his father by his first name. We are not talking about a confused small child, rather a tween who know exactly what he is facing.

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03 Aug 12 #347134 by happyagain
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I am aware of all that, as I said I have read your previous notes and I sympathise. But the fact remains that contact has been ordered and the judge will take a dim view of you not going along with it. Rightly or wrongly. If you choose to ignore this I am certain that will put you on the wrong footing in court. If you want the final judgement to reflect the outcome you want, and your son, you have to show that you have tried to go along with the judge''s current recommendations.

  • C. J.
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03 Aug 12 #347146 by C. J.
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I agree with Happyagain,

It sounds as though your son having witnessed domestic episodes between you and your ex and knowing how your eldest feels about his father feels a loyalty towards the family and you as the resident parent plus the fact that he has seen the damage it has done to you.

Do you think your son is scared that his father may lose his temper with him or do you think that he does not want to see his father because he knows that it upsets you?

I''m not suggesting its the latter but the reason why I mention it is because my fiance had a similar problem whereby one of his daughters was not settling during overnight stays. A year later it came out that she very much wanted to stay but told her mummy that she didn''t because she had obviously picked up that mummy wasn''t a fan of her daddy or the overnight stays. She felt sorry for her mummy and knew it would make her happy if she showed a loyalty towards her by telling her that she preferred to be with her mummy over her daddy.

Why did the judge order contact? I''m assuming it''s because there were no welfare issues?

  • fairylandtime
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03 Aug 12 #347212 by fairylandtime
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Oh Disney

This is really hard for you & your son I know. But I don''t think you can go against the judge, as others have said that may really go against you later on.

How long does your son have to see his dad & how long for?
I know this is really hard for you, but I think that you are going to have to try & encourage your son & try to promote the positive for him ... I can hear your deep intake of breath (I know not what I would want to do either but needs must).

If it is a short space of time, state this, say he has to give it a try, you never know, etc etc at 11 I know both of mine were very grown up so this will be hard, if necessary you will have to just state that the judge ordered this because families have to try, you know what has happened in the past but that was the past & he (your son) has to give it one more try.

This is how I would tackle it, however this is only IMO with my kids & I don''t want to be hung out to dry by others .... but outcome is either son will have a good time with dad, an ok time with dad ... or not & then that will be taken into consideration by cafas & court.

Stay strong JJx

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