Contact Arrangements

I have found that having an approach of compromise and discussion (without too much emotion and your night my night language) does help open up new lines of communication from which you can both share in the time with your children and be part of their growing up. If the children are booked into a lot of activities and you find you have little ''down'' time with them it might be a good idea to encourage their dad to be part of some of the pre-exisiting activity nights if hes willing. Sometimes where the activities have been booked by just one parent it can feel to the other that they are a convenient way of keeping the children so busy that there isnt enough availability for the other parent to have additional time even if they ask for it. Im not saying you have done that but it might be that their father perceives it that way. I have seen a few heated disputes between parents were activities have become an issue. If the children like their activities the parent who doesnt have the lions share knows they cant compete with this when trying to get a bit more time with their children. As others have said over time this will diminish in significance.

My children live with me primarily and their dad doesnt ask for mid week contact although I would support it if he wanted it. This week they are in fact staying with his mum by my arrangements as Im at work. Their dad has decided to take them for a few days as hes acquired some leave. They were about to moan to me as they said they would rather stay with nan - Ive had to remind them they are very lucky their dad has taken some time off to be with them and they should enjoy it. They do occassionally moan he doesnt do things with him but they are of an age now where they can make their own suggestions to him about what they would like to do so Ive told them to ask him. Im very aware that its easy for the parent with least contact to become the one the children pick and choose when they spend their time with them. I feel as the children primarily live with me it is important I support their relationship with their dad as I have more influence given Im the one who is with them most.

Im twiddling my thumbs to be honest as Im so used to having them but they need to have time with all of their family as I dont want them thinking Im the only person in the world who can look after them.

Its also good practice for when they leave home;)

I hope you can get a workable solution and I congratulate you on trying to see all sides and being open to hearing other ideas.

Regards
Rasher

Gosh, they should take a mould of your approach to your children regarding their other parent, and transplant it into more people. It is so spot on. It looks like you''re going to have lovely, healthy and happy kids who are going to be good parents themselves one day. Good to know there are parents like you out there shaping the future of society to be a better place.

Thanks Singledad unfortunately my ex doesn''t think so though, and has rejected my compromise he is insisting on having the children both Thursdays, I have suggested mediation now!

The afterschool clubs that my children attend were in place well before the marriage broke up. They are totally the childrens choice and if they want to stop doing them that is fine as I have made clear only school is compulsory.

Dear maisymoos - I was mainly referring to rasher''s post which I thought was really spot on. If you could ever get to such a stage it would be really a perfect arrangement for children and parents. I think that both sides pulling too much causes neither to want to let go.

Yes mediation is a great idea. But I wonder if you agree to the extra time, whether in exchange your ex might be willing to lend you some more support - i.e. agreeing something you need him to agree - i.e. a doctor, dentist, school, finances, etc. Perhaps to swimming lessons for your child, etc.

That would be a nice compromise. The extra time is really useful to care for yourself and relax a bit - i know from being in a shared residence agreement myself with an Absolute diva.

You probably seem to have fears surrounding his influence of your little one but you just dont need to worry about that - you must have an extremely strong attachment to your child. Relax your hold a bit and start negotiation - then mediation will work.

Also I think its awesome that you are listening to peoples advice

Fiona wrote:

How on earth does Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sun night every other weekend work out at 6 nights a month?

Ooh that was sharp.

It was me that said 6 nights, not Zonked, so please feel free to have a go at me instead, if you think that helps you "win the argument". Undoubtedly MaisyMoo''s ex will now agree with you that, on reflection, 8 days a month is plenty for any parent to spend with their children, and a day 10 day wait really isn''t that long after all.

I think what everyone is forgetting here is that this arrangement has been in place for over a year now after a mutual agreement. Now the NRP is demanding to change the arrangements which will disrupt the regular routine at home. The RP has been accommodating in so much as she has offered alternative suggestions and has met a brick wall.

If we were all as pigheaded and demanding as the NRP is being what a sorry world we would live in!!

Two extra evenings a month..pig headed and demanding. Gosh. I wonder if Oliver Twist felt the same way as this poor bloke.