Contact Arrangements

So at the moment the quality time at weekends and one free evening during the week is shared between parents 50:50 and the children have their own time to do activities 3 evenings a week. That isn''t at all unreasonable. Parents don''t own children''s time.

In 10-15 years time it won''t matter that much to the children whether they spent x number of hours more or less a a week with each parent. What will matter is they have a loving relationship with both and that they have learned through their parents'' example how to communicate positively in their own adulthood relationships.

You could try setting out your position and perhaps offer to negotiate or mediate a compromise in writing. For example, you might propose a trial of an extra night on one of the nights when the children have activities so your ex can be involved with that. Shared care isn''t just about having the children in their free time, it involves the nuts and bolts of parenting including the taking to activities and collecting.


Hope that helps.

Thanks Fiona , I have just found out that he has booked a weekly activity on a thursday for one of the children. He has done this with no discussion and obviously assuming I would give up my Thursday''s. My daughter has also said she doesn''t want to do this activity. Over the last year I have often given up my Thursday''s to enable the children to see his parents but due to all other activities, homework, appointments and one to one time I politely told his parents a couple of months ago that I I would like to spend more of my Thursday''s with the children. This I believe is what has sparked this off

I recognise grandparent contact is important but know his parents see them regularly in his time.

Anyway he has now changed tack completely and has said he will go for 50/50 residence if I refuse. I think may be the court will have to decide as I can''t live with him throwing this at me every six months which seems to be the norm it''s not even about his contact time but extra time he is trying to secure for his parents

I would still write setting out your position and offering mediation. It''s important to remain child focused. Good contact for children relies on parents working together, or at least not against each other, and going to court tends to make that difficult. Also if you do go to court the letter would be evidence you have been reasonable and there is now a requirement that in most circumstances parents attend at least a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting before the court will hear a case.

I don''t think he would get 50/50 as its too much of a change from the status quo, so don''t worry about that. However, you stated that until a few months ago you regularly took the kids to see grandparents on the alternate Thursdays. This means they were in a pattern, even though you were unhappy about it, and it is not unreasonable for your ex and his parents to want to resume that level of contact.

Before the split was Thursday always the day that the children didnt have clubs etc or have the clubs etc now been decided around this day.

Sorry but whatever the valid reasons you come up with I dont think it unreasonable for the father to want more contact during the 10 day unless the distance between the families is too great to facilitate this.

He has always said he wanted more contact and its not as if its so he can reduce cm because you have global order.

Do the children stay at the grandparents on ''his'' Thursday or do they stay at dads.

Why would dad suddenly book a child into a club that the child doesnt want to attend? Are you sure child isnt saying one thing to dad and one thing to mum.

Have you always discussed all the decisions regarding the childrens clubs or have you made those decisions?

I agree with mathisfun.

What are we talking about here - 2 midweeks a month. That''s a lot for him, as he only gets 6 days a month, right? I would suggest that if you can''t facilitate that because of after school clubs, then maybe they are doing too many after school clubs?

If he wants to take the children to see his parents during "his time" then do you actually object to that? Do they? You seem to be offering this as a reason to refuse more contact - so what is the problem?

Would the children be happy having an extra night with their dad? If so, what would be the problem with dad collecting and picking them up from their club activities.

Speaking from experience, I know that it is a great pleasure for dads to have their children stay overnight, particularly when dad is willing and able to offer the children a second home.