A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Mediation - CAFCASS Call Outcome (Very Long Post)

  • ffc1991
  • ffc1991's Avatar Posted by
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
09 Aug 12 #348508 by ffc1991
Topic started by ffc1991
Well my EX attended the mediation session in the end with an hour before confirming that sheel attend the changed session. Just glad the mediators bent over backwards to try make it happen at my insistence also.

Anyways mediation was a complete and utter disaster. No arguments as such well none really but her proposal for court to order was worse than I ever could of imagined what she was going to propose.

Now anyone who knows my case knows to date 0 allegations have been made and the reason my partner insist on a contact center is because she''s claiming I''m lacking in basic parenting skills totally unfounded concerns. She also raised again today that she thought I might take her away and not return her for a few days. So this is obviously the main reason why she''s refusing to let me have her unsupervised. She simply shrugged when I asked this said nothing else. Now I''ve never said I''d do this and have never done anything like this (never had the chance tbf).

Anyways in brief her proposals were as follows.

Fortnightly contact for 1 hour in the contact center until December

2 hour contact in the contact center December onwards.

Will allow my sister to possibly supervise after Christmas but not till then. She says that obviously my daughter won''t recognize my sister so she''s unsuitable to do the supervision? So my daughter suddenly knows all the people at the contact center now?

The only thing we agreed on was once again the long term proposals which I actually said I would agreed to. But in her long term proposals the first overnight contact I ''''may be allowed'''' is for 1 night next Christmas not the 1 coming. In her proposal letters she has put in alternate Christmases birthdays etc. Not specific dates but a general understanding.

Obviously though the short term proposals are ludicrous and ridiculous and I tried to make her see this and also the mediator did in a sense but she refused to budge from this. She then said that if I''m not going to agree to it then mediation was pointless and I agreed. So we will no longer be attending mediation. She is having Legal aid and I seriously wonder how any solicitor would say to there client that the proposed order was appropriate?

CAFCASS Call

Well I first spoke to the CAFCASS officer just before mediation for about 30 mins. It seemed to go really really well. She had spoken to my ex but was only very brief and was ringing her again later in the day for more talking as my EX was unable to talk. She asked me the routine questions that everyone gets and answered the best that I could. I felt encouraged though because she actually twice said that quite clearly incredibly committed to my daughter.

She also said that she was very surprised that at what I had to say about my EX partner she said it''s very rare she hears Fathers praise the mothers and not bad mouth them. I actually can''t badmouth my EX she''s a very good Mum tbf.

At the end of the phone call she also said she would ring me again later in the day to see what happened at mediation encase of any advances or agreements. As She wasn''t even aware of my contact I''m having with my daughter at this time or that we was even in mediation. She didn''t ring but she had left me an answer phone message as I had no signal at the time and called her back. I told her what happened at mediation and that it was no longer going ahead.

She was yet still to speak to my EX partner again though again :(. She seemed really really nice and went on to explain a lot of things and answered a lot of questions. Also gave me a lot of advice as to what I could do to help myself in court being a LIP.

Not sure where I go from here really? Shall I just go on Tuesday and hear what the court feels? See what the CAFCASS report says etc? Should I send a letter to the court before court on Tuesday? Outlining my now complete stance or whatever?

Thanks for Reading if anyone has got this far lol.

  • fairylandtime
  • fairylandtime's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
09 Aug 12 #348512 by fairylandtime
Reply from fairylandtime
Hi ffc

How old is your dtr again? Tbh unless there are "grave" concerns re you or child protection issues I am not sure what the issue is & why you cannot have contact ... You both brought your dtr into the world you should both care for her & be in her life.

It may be the case that your x feels that you have to prove you can care for your dtr & that you won''t abscond with her before she will trust you fully, without supervised contact. Although this is unfair you may have to roll with it in the first instance until you can "prove" your reliability etc.

Hopefully cafass will help, & perhaps although they may suggest supervised contact in the first instance it may not last as long than that that was offered in mediation.

All you can do is keep at it & never give up, easy to say I know :(But stick at it.

JJx

  • ffc1991
  • ffc1991's Avatar Posted by
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
09 Aug 12 #348516 by ffc1991
Reply from ffc1991
Hi

My daughters 10 months. I was present for the first 5 months of my daughters life and cared for just as much as my EX did before my EX chose to move away. I think how you put it in the 2nd para is pretty spot on.

The CAFCASS officer did come across very encouraging tbh so I just hope on Tuesday how I hope it went is how it went. I honestly can''t see the court proposing me being in a contact center for a further 5-8 months? At contact still fortnightly for 2 hours Max in 5 months time? Even the CAFCASS officer said that it wasn''t suitable contact on the circumstances that i explained for my daughter. She did elude to that the courts and they quite often recommend little and often more than more hours less often which I''m fully aware of.

I''ve quit my job, moved home transferred Uni''s know way will i ever give up lol.

  • jslgb
  • jslgb's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
09 Aug 12 #348517 by jslgb
Reply from jslgb
Hi ff,

Sorry to hear that mediation has failed but the phone interview with CAFCASS seems to have had a positive outcome.

I''m not sure how yo go forward when representing yourself but i think you definitely need to make it clear you do not agree to the proposed contact schedule. There is nothing to suggest your parenting skills are lacking in any manner and as you have never implied you would not return your daughter after contact this is not a valid reason to keep the contact center in place. For your ex to suggest she will allow overnight contact in 18 months is very bizarre. Who knows what will happen by then?

Have you written down a proposed contact schedule? I think a lot of how court will play out next week will rely on the outcome of the CAFCASS report but as no allegations are made i wouldnt be too worried about the report per se. I would suggest asking for contact to move outside of the contact centre for an hour at a time for x amount of weeks, progressing to 2 hours for a similar period of time and so on until you are having her for a whole day. At which point you will seek a review to extend contact to overnights. Also note down that for an initial period of time you are willing to accept that your ex may wish to be present in the background to ensure that your daughter is well looked after and returned in order to give her peace of mind. I would perhaps send this schedule to her solicitors as a proposed contact schedule and take a copy to court with you.

  • fairylandtime
  • fairylandtime's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
09 Aug 12 #348520 by fairylandtime
Reply from fairylandtime
Js is right

Might be best to discuss with cafass (if they will do this) set out a slow but moving forward contact schedule (faster than than your x''s of course), x in background if needed at start etc etc .... Show how amenable you are / will be, what you have given up to ensure that contact is maintained.

Stressing the importance of what is in the best interest of your dtr.

Good luck with it - wish my ex was as interested in contact with our children, it seems there is one end of the spectrum to the other & nothing inbetween :(

JJx

  • ffc1991
  • ffc1991's Avatar Posted by
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
09 Aug 12 #348522 by ffc1991
Reply from ffc1991
Hi JSL

I said this to my EX that how can we be thinking this far ahead in a sense when she wont allow me out a center however its good to know that she wont totally oppose the alternate birthdays etc. Of course she could and probably will have of changed her mind by then as she does.

I haven''t as of yet I''m seeing a Mckenzoe friend tomoz from FNF who''s going to help me with that. I actually forgot to ask the CAFCASS officer stupidly what kind of report completely sheel be doing? I know of the standard checks etc. But to they actually give recommendations in the very first hearing?

Isn''t it highly unlikely at the first hearing that they''ll grant me unsupervised access? even if for an hour. Ofcourse that''s what I want though and i''m willing to gradually build it up.

My EX is point blank refusing to talk to me still other than via solicitors and mediation which is of course now finished, she''s also unwilling to do any of the supervision herself. Her family members are all also refusing to supervise. I have no family near by who can do the supervision all very convenient.

Yh fairy :)

Do people feel I should go to court with lots of different proposals?

It was very hard as I don''t believe she''s being malicious or evil she''s just being manipulated by family members (imo) and still hurt over the break up and dealing with it in all the wrong ways. I want to be able to blank out my feelings for her but just can''t as I care for her. Which makes it so much harder going to court and battling her but what choice do I have?

  • jslgb
  • jslgb's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
09 Aug 12 #348525 by jslgb
Reply from jslgb
I would perhaps write down a schedule of a ''dream'' type scenario and present tat but have a more realistic schedule in mind. Doesnt hurt to push for the best so long as you acknowledge you may need to concede a bit and it always looks good to be willing to co-operate. As for unsupervised contact, my ex had to ave a meeting with his daughter in a CAFCASS centre supervised by the officer, his ex and whoever she brought along but that was because he hadnt seen his daughter in a year. After that he had contact supervised by the ex for a period of adjustment and then unsupervised so i dont think its unrealistic to ask. You''ve had supervised contact for a while now havent you?

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11