CAFCASS report "out soon".

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Ok, so it seesm like you are being punished for your ex''s bad behaviour. Cafcass won''t necessarily see it that way, though.

You can''t afford to get upset about it, even though it all seems wrong. Without being confrontaional, you could maybe ask again if you can attend, and pitch it entirely from the childrens perspective - your eldest wants you to go, after all. If they repeat the "altercations" line, you could politely point out that it is your ex who has precipitated this, and suggest some compromise - maybe you could offer to wait in another room, and just see your children briefly so that they know that you are there.

You need to bend over backwards to show that you are concerned about the children, polite, reasonable, respectful, and eveything that your ex isn''t... well, that''s just my opinion, anyway.

zonked; Do you know what? The reason I think it''s wrong is because I''ve been to every school meeting, school play, doctor''s appointment, speech therapy appointment... you name it, I''ve been to all of them. The reason my eldest wants me to come to the appointment is because of the above, and I''ve been through the mill with my boys from start to finish.

He wants me there because I''m always there.

There have been altercations between me and my ex, all instigated by her. She is massively abusive towards me. She only "behaves" when she''s in an environment in which she has to (ie- in a CAFCASS waiting room, at the doctor''s, or in court). Hence nothing will happen.

DrDaddy,

Unfortunately the CAFCASS officer wasn''t very nice to me on the phone to be totally honest. She kept repeating herself and talking over the top of me, which I felt was very worrying for someone who is put in place as a quality communicator to the court about people''s "wishes and feelings".

Her "solution" was that we can''t go together- it''s totally unacceptable that we go together in any form.

If I want to change the appointment, I should consult my ex; text her directly and ask to take the children.

I simply said that since I''d been previously abused by her, and she would start a fight about it, it''s not the best thing for me to approach her, since she will simply take exception and fight about it.

I told her I don''t like fighting, so I don''t want to give my ex any reason to instigate a fight, and she would simply refuse my request anyway.

So I''m "locked out" of even being in the waiting room, and the CAFCASS officer thinks that''s the right thing to do as well, so who am I to argue?

Is there anyone else at CAFCASS you could talk too? Could you make an appointment to speak to them rather than talk on the phone? It is much harder to be rude to someone face-to-face.

The thing is, CAFCASS want to see how your ex behaves with the children and how they react to her. If you are sitting in the next room that may affect their behaviour either way. You don''t want them to feel so reassured that they don''t show discomfort around her that they might otherwise display. Also, you don''t want your presence to lead her to kick off and the children be upset.

If handovers are a problem then arrange to have them in a public place. But how the children are with your ex on her own and how they are during or after a difficult handover are two different things.

Best wishes,
Sadie

Shi Tong,

Why on earth would you be worried about ur kids seeing mum alone? Children seeing a parent without any interferrence from the other parent is actually healthy.

A good resident parent always forces their kids to have as much contact with the non resident parent as possible.

...and yes i said "forces"... If truth be told, you should be kept away from being able to influence CAFCASS, ur children or ex in any way during the time ur ex is seeing the kids. Its her time, not yours.

Khan, why on earth would you assume that everyone''s situation with their ex is the same as your own?

I''ve read your other posts, congratulations on having a reason able relationship with your ex.

However, while my kids with with their mum this week, they didn''t eat very well, sleep very well, and they didn''t do any reading, they just watched films and played on her computer.

They also came home completely filthy. Last night I had to give them a really decent meal and bathe them thoroughly and cut all of their filthy nails.

It''s not as if "sometimes" she does it either, she never does it, so it means I get less quality time with them having to do all of the primary caring in my 4 nights.

I did give in to CAFCASS not allowing me to go, I just feel its difficult because I''ve been requested by eldest and I''ve been to all previous meetings for everything.

I want my kids to be happy and safe.