Agreed to 50/50

Hi folks,
I first posted a few months ago, and things are finally coming to a head. We tried to work things out last year, but the ways in which we each tried just didn''t work, and my wife and I are to separate.
Although I have finally accepted that we should (she finished things initially), she''s been my best friend for so long it hurts.

The only silver lining to this very dark cloud is that she has finally agreed to 50/50 care of our beautiful daughters. She will have them Mon/Tue I will have Wed/Thu and we will alternate Fri/Sat/Sun (5225). It''s going to be heartbreaking not seeing them every day, but it''s better than seeing them just for a few days each week.

I have such a deep bond with my girls and love them so very much, I''m terrified at the thought of being apart from them. I''m the one who does arts and crafts with them, who taught them to swim and ride bikes, who read most of the bedtime stories, who paints and cuts their nails, who writes replies from santa and plants flowers in the garden with them.

And oh god - telling them. I think my eldest has a clue but it will still break her heart. It will be a bombshell for my youngest, but she looks to her sister for how to react on most things. Fortunately, my stbx still communicate well, so we''ll be talking to them together.

I hope our family and friends, and their friends support them. I''m sure they will. It''s difficult at school, as their classes buck the national average I guess, with only a couple of separated/divorced parents. And kids hate to be different.

I just hope they can forgive us eventually. I hope they don''t hate us for failing at this. I wish things had worked out differently. I hope we haven''t screwed up their lives too badly.

There''s no question here. Just me rambling and getting some things out in the open.

Hi and congratulations to you both for a very sane and child oriented decision!

Myself and my ex husband have our son 50/50 since the first day we separated and it is working extremely well.

One question though: How did you come up with the idea of sharing the actual week and not going for one week with one parent/one week with the other?

I have heard that longer periods at the same household is more stable for the children. We have my son one week/one week and share equally holidays (summer).

Best of luck to all of you!

I wish more parents were as reasonable as you two are!

Thanks Chained,
I''m not sure, we looked at it, but I think we both felt that week on/week off was too long away from each of us at any one time. That''s not to detract from your arrangement - it obviously works so congratulations for that.

I''ve read as much as I could on the impact on them. I just hope we get it right.

Now, I just need to tiptoe through the tricky csa minefield.

Chained,I proposed something similar to that to my ex (refused). It was convenient for work arrangements because you know that you always have them every Wed & Thu you can plan your work hours every week, while doing the whole week on/week off thing is more difficult to arrange work and childcare in my situation.

Sadly we haven''t managed to agree to anything really so far.

Congratulations to the OP for managing to work something out that''s sensible and child focussed. I only wish more couples could be like you.

Just for your information, you don''t have to use the CSA if you can be as amicable as you appear to have been so far. Just agree an amount of maintenance to be paid from the higher earner to the lower earner and leave the CSA out of it.

Depending on your earnings it''s often worth transferring the child benefit of one child into each parent''s name. That way you get a bit more money and if you''re both entitled to tax credits then you''ll get a bit more. Factor this in to your maintenance agreement.

I''m sorry that this horrible situation has hit you but you''re handling it with a massive amount of dignity. Well done.

Thank you u6c00, I really hope it works out.

I''m aware the csa don''t have to be involved, but I assume she could get them involved if she wasn''t happy with our personal arrangement? There isn''t a massive difference in our earnings. We both have our own businesses, and there''s certainly the potential for her to earn the same now she can work more hours.

I think she''s plugged in some figures in the calculator and arrived at a figure of £44 per week (she''ll be receiving the child benefit I guess). It doesn''t seem particularly fair, as I can''t quite see what it''s for if we''re sharing costs etc.

I can see that she''d want some financial assistance while she ramps up her business, which I''m happy to help with (she also helped me financially for a while when my business was suffering). I''m not sure why it should be for ever though, but I think I''m over a barrel aren''t I?

You will be surprised to find out that children adopt to such arrangements really fast and really well.

I remember I was terrified that my son would not like my new house, that he will want to be more with his father cause he is a boy, that he will hate that he will have to take the bus with me, that he will find it confusing to stay here and there etc etc.

None of that happened. He did try a couple of times to play us against eachother i.e. dad lets me eat chocolate for breakfast so I want to go stay there NOW! But after he realized that a quick phonecall brings his dad to our doorstep to "discuss" the "issue", and that the best he could get out of it was that dad and mum would actually have a coffee together telling him that there is no chance of going anywhere no matter what, he stopped.

Apart from that, nothing else really happened that would characterize the 50/50 arrangement as difficult etc. I have read a lot of mothers that claim 50/50 is disturbing, confusing, blah blah blah. I don;t know what is most disturbing and confusing to a child, living half his life with one of his parents and the other half with the other or seeing the NRP every other weekend and if that?

To me it comes down to why people have kids in the first place and what they want out of being a parent. Unfortunately, the current legal and social system encourages them to hold their children prisoners and away from their own parent and extended family. Shame.

u6c00: What are your current contact arrangements and why did your ex refuse 50/50?

Best Wishes,

C.

Chained wrote:

u6c00: What are your current contact arrangements and why did your ex refuse 50/50?

Best Wishes,

C.

My ex wants me to be an alternate weekend dad I think, she doesn''t want to offer anything more than that. I want to be part of my son''s school, homework, medical and everything else that goes with being a parent. She doesn''t want me to be part of any of that.

At the moment I have alternating Friday am - Saturday am and Friday am - Sunday pm. I want more but she keeps throwing allegations around which are just slowing everything right down.