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Are kids really always better off having contact?

  • robinson25
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25 Aug 12 #351925 by robinson25
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I have not had a relationship since my husband left so it cant be said that he has been replaced in my childrens eyes.

A lot depends on circumstances and i for one wish my daughter did see her dad, i worry about how this has affected her emotionally . And in my case he soon stopped bothering with her after the first weeks when she wouldnt speak to him. she was a 15 year old teenage girl! difficult at the best of times! And i strongly disagree that the rp is happy when the nrp is not involved with there own flesh and blood.

We chose to have these children together and he has chosen to walk away from them as well as me and accept no responsibility for them or show any interest, he has a new life and wants to forget his past.

  • leanng
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25 Aug 12 #351931 by leanng
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robinson25.
i have not had a relationship either, so the same can be said for me.

i absolutely admire all the fathers / nrp that have good contact wth their children.

i feel sad for mine that they are missing a father in their lives. i believe the children would more than benefit from two homes even with new partners.

Each situation is different and unfortunately sometimes the rp has to make decisions based on the interests of the child...

  • sexysadie
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25 Aug 12 #351932 by sexysadie
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I think this is a difficult one, particularly as your daughter is so young.

My children are older than yours so up to a point the situation is different. However, aged 9 and 12 they refused contact for a long time when their father left. I decided not to push things because there were definitely problems with his behaviour during contact and eventually they decided to start seeing him again. It was a bit risky but actually I think their relationship is much better now because it is on their terms, not his.

He also has two children from a previous relationship who were very young when their parents split up. They did have regular and frequent contact throughout their childhood but it wasn''t always happy and now one of them as an adult has not seen him for over five years.

Overall, I think contact is better for children unless it is actively abusive. That said, I do think your ex is sometimes emotionally abusive of your daughter though I had thought from your posts that things had got better in the last few months. So I think probably you should persist with it until she is properly of an age to understand the implications of refusing - probably not until she is at least ten. I allowed my younger one to choose a bit earlier than that but that was partly because he couldn''t see why his two older siblings could refuse to see their dad and he couldn''t, which seemed to me like a fair point.

I don''t think, though, that only a father can be a father figure. Both of my sons have used other family members in this role and I think it''s been good for them to have a range of role models, particularly as their father isn''t always the best person to emulate or look up to. Generally I think it''s good for children to have a variety of adults of both genders whom they know and trust.

Best wishes,
Sadie

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25 Aug 12 #351934 by carer
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Hi Jenna,

I have two different sets of experiences.

My two eldest girls - (20 and 25) have not seen their father since they were 3 and 8 - not through any choice of ours - simply because he went off with OW and told me/them he didnt have time and the OW wasnt sure she wanted children in her house - what if they were ''hooligans''!!!!!!You have never met more sweet-natured placid girls than mine.

Fast forward 15 years - no contact - even though I encouraged writing between them - their father stopped when eldest was 10 and then nothing. Now their father has contacted them on Facebook asking to ''friend'' them! The girls want nothing to do with him - they felt abandoned and are not interested at all in meeting up. They say he is like a stranger to them. It is their choice to do what they want - but both girls have no feelings towards their father.

They were brought up by new partner )who I am now divorcing) - and they called him dad. They have relationships with the opposite sex - they are not introvert or damaged in any way shape or form - they are well-rounded intelligent lovely young ladies - who have both achieved extremely well academically and in their personal lives. So they did not miss out on their blood relative at all.

Stbx - although he brought them up has Aspergers so was emtionally not there for them and neither daughter has anything to do with him - they dont hate him - but they dont like him either.

Youngest has limited contact with father due to medical reasons - been through Courts and Ex made life difficult for us all. Having limited contacted does not mean there is no love for childs father - there is and the child doesnt feel there is anything missing and doesnt want any more contact. There is a fair amount of contact so it isnt as if they dont see each other - it is weekly.

So I feel that whilst it is probably best for a child to have a relationship with both parents - it doesnt mean that if they dont that they will end up messed up or incapable of having a relationship with men - and my girls didnt constantly look round for a father figure - they just accepted their situation - no real dad and step-dad not all there - so they call me mumdad - he he!

I think as a child matures they know themselves what they want to do and unless the mother is manipulating them then they should be allowed to choose - age appropriate of course - a 3 year old doesnt know what is best for them - but a 10 year old is likely to have a good understanding and able to make some choice.

Carer

  • Chained
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25 Aug 12 #351938 by Chained
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jslgb wrote:

Chained,

The reality is that forum posts are just a snapshot of what is really going on in each individuals lives.


Exactly because forum posts are just a snapshot of what is really going on, I rarely take them at face value as there are two sides to every story and maybe three or four, depending on the number of children involved, too.

Yes, I find it very difficult to believe that children do not want to have contact with their parents unless they abuse them. What parents actually experience in their children is a reflection of their own actions and feelings that sometimes unintentionally they transfer to them and the children, sensitive as they are, they make their own and act on them accordingly.

If my child told me he does not want contact with his father anymore, no matter what the reason (not abuse, of course), I would be REALLY concerned about his mental and emotional health and I would seek help and advise. I would be really upset over it and actually feel it as a personal failure as a parent, not only as a failure from the part of my ex.

If partners are such a good replacement for parents then why do adopted children look for their biological parents at a point of their lives? Even though they know who they have to thank for for being there while they were growing up, they still want to have a sense of their roots and form a relationship with their biological parents, even if late.

People cannot be replaced. Husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, children, family cannot be replaced by other "approximately close to the original" individuals, no matter how good the intentions and the people involved.

And in all this it is only the children that always suffer. In the name of love...

  • khan72
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25 Aug 12 #351939 by khan72
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I would agree with chained. Children are masters of manipulation. They will tell any parent whatever they feel the parent wants to hear. Its a well known fact.

  • Yummy_Mummy
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25 Aug 12 #351943 by Yummy_Mummy
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but sometimes you do have to give children the benefit of the doubt.

Otherwise it isnt fair.

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