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Are kids really always better off having contact?

  • sexysadie
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25 Aug 12 #351944 by sexysadie
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Exactly. A friend of mine forced a really reluctant child to see her father only to discover later that he was sexually abusing her.

I''m not suggesting that this is what is happening in Jenna''s daughter''s case. But sometimes older children benefit from being able to withdraw for a while so that they can establish a different and less abusive relationship. Though as far as I am aware my friend''s daughter has not seen her father since.

Best wishes,
Sadie

  • zonked
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25 Aug 12 #351945 by zonked
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I think it''s worth considering the psychology of woman that block contact. The nature of the action, child abuse, makes it hard to accept personal responsibility. Instead you get a self serving narrative that absolves them of blame and seeks to justify the action by deflecting responsibility elsewhere- the ex ptr, the children, anyone else. One thing contact blockers do not have is personal insight.

  • Fiona
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25 Aug 12 #351948 by Fiona
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On the other hand there are some contact parents who have no personal insight, lack empathy and are unreasonably restrictive, selfish, neglectful or preoccupied and children might reasonably feel that contact visits are boring or unpleasant or be confused by hearing constant denigration of the parent with the majority of care. In these circumstance if the contact parent doesn''t change their behaviour they will bring about their own rejection.

Jenna, it''s generally agreed by professionals working with children that having a relationship with both parents is in the best interests of children even if the behaviour of one parent leaves much to be desired by most peoples standards. Children who are insecure about their natural parentage tend to grow up with low self esteem leading to behavioural and emotional problems in later life. There are exceptions to this of course, but they involve significant harm to a child''s health and development which is the threshold for the authorities to become involved.

It''s very easy for separated parents to misinterpret children''s behaviour and children will often say thing they think a parent wants to hear. Add into the mix that you have recently had another baby and your daughter probably feels she is missing out when she isn''t with you. If you are concerned I would speak to the school and your health visitor to see if they have spotted anything they think is unusual under the circumstances and can offer you any advice.

  • disneybunny
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26 Aug 12 #351963 by disneybunny
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zonked wrote:

I think it''s worth considering the psychology of woman that block contact. The nature of the action, child abuse, makes it hard to accept personal responsibility. Instead you get a self serving narrative that absolves them of blame and seeks to justify the action by deflecting responsibility elsewhere- the ex ptr, the children, anyone else. One thing contact blockers do not have is personal insight.

Seriously? Some of us have damn good reasons, reading in the court papers that I was unstable because I was frantic about my daughter surviving to be born alive. Hell if he had not hit me so bad that I nearly lost her maybe I would have not been such a bloody mess.

  • Jenna29
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26 Aug 12 #351981 by Jenna29
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Mathisfun - I didn''t say anything about stopping my daughter from seeing her father. I would not make such a huge decision for her, nor block contact as other posters have suggested. Chained - Yes, her father and I were together once. We''d been together for a few months when I fell pregnant, which was a complete shock as I''d thought I was completely infertile. He told me to have an abortion. Eventually he decided that he''d take pity on me as I had no family and stay with me. He chose to work away all week and got drunk all weekend, he had nothing to do with our daughter. He never changed a nappy or even held her. I had to take her to the toilet with me because he wouldn''t watch her. He insisted she call him by his name instead of daddy so women would think she wasn''t his and he was available. That''s not being a father; the only positive part he''s played in her life is his two minute contribution to her conception.
Khan - As someone that has no contact with my family, I disagree that blood relations are always for life. I will let her make all of her decisions for herself though. jslgb - My daughter used to be scared of confrontation too but now actively tells him she''d rather not see him. Chained - I do not say anything negative to my daughters father about how she feels about him. Sadie - My daughters father is not the best person to look up to either. He smokes, drinks, swears, is overweight, lazy, rude, impolite, racist - to name but a few. I think how vastly different he is to me is another reaon she struggles to bond with him. Fiona - The thing about her saying ''what I want to hear'' is that I don''t want to hear that she''s unhappy with her father. I would much prefer that she be happy there, that he play a full part in her life and take his share of the responsibility of looking after her. I don''t want my partner to replace him, it is what is happening because of my daughters fathers reluctance to play any real role in her life other than a disruptive one.

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