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Stability and Sleepovers

  • dbrooke7
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27 Aug 12 #352220 by dbrooke7
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I''m wondering if anyone has knowledge about children''s stability with sleepovers at both parents houses. My daughter is 12 and stays overnights with me 5 days out of 14 (I put it this way because it''s a 2 week rotating schedule). My daughter wants more time with me, but my ex is saying that it is more stable for her to have a ''home base'' so she doesn''t want her to stay with me more often.
I''ve googled some on the web and I''ve found one or two articles disagreeing with that, but would like more input/advice from anyone who might be knowledgeable in the field.
I would love to have my daughter more often, even if it is just one more night a week. But is my ex just looking at money (that''d give me 50% of time with my daughter and would mean $250 less a week in support) or is she telling the truth?
Thoughts?

  • Chained
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27 Aug 12 #352222 by Chained
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Hi and welcome to the land of the confused.

I am not an expert but from experience since me and my ex share contact with our six year old 50-50 (one week here, one week there), I could say that this is not the case.

Our arrangement has been running for two years now and never has our son felt that he is confused or his schedule is being disturbed in any way. This of course, means that both parents should cooperate very closely. For example, when we hand over the child, we spend a lot of time updating eachother on the school schedule the week our son was with us and what his needs might be the following week. This is just an example.

On the other hand, your daughter is old enough to know what is best for her and decide how long she would stay here or there.

I giggled at the "home base" as it reminded me of a military base and your daughter a tank going on regular recon... lol

I cannot say whether or not your ex is motivated by money or she is just insecure letting your daughter share more time with you. It is though a factor that has proved to be substantial to contact arrangements.

You could suggest to try it for a while and see. See where it takes you.

Best of luck to all of you.

C.

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27 Aug 12 #352226 by dbrooke7
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Thanks for that!
Yeah..home base.. sometimes it feels like a war zone, though I must say it''s been very amicable in front of the little one. She wants to live with me, not just spend more time with me, but I''m hesitant to go that far as I think it''d destroy my ex. And it might truly destroy their relationship - and it''s important they have a strong relationship, I think.
Comforting to know it''s worked for you guys, though. Maybe you''re right - push her to try it and see where it goes...
thanks!

  • khan72
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27 Aug 12 #352234 by khan72
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I am affraid there is nothing to support a homebase theory. The important thing is to ensure the children do not get made to feel torn beetween parents. They should not be made to feel guilty or be expected to show loyalty in exchange for acceptance.
The homebase theory tend to be supported for a financial reason. In the UK the CSA money depends on how many nights children spend with you. Hence we see a number of cases where one parent (the recipient of CSA payments) will try to keep all the nights. A truly vile reason.

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27 Aug 12 #352236 by dbrooke7
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Same in the US with regards to nights...which is why I''m unsure if she''s doing it for financial gain, because she is upset our daughter is a bit closer to me, or because she truly feels our daughter won''t have stability by going back and forth.
Frustrating when a parent uses the child for financial gain or for manipulative reasons...especially when I''m powerless to do much about it other than make sure to do my part in keeping my daughter out of it as much as possible.

  • disneybunny
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28 Aug 12 #352248 by disneybunny
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I think it can work when both parents work together but in conflict situations it is likely to go badly wrong.

  • khan72
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28 Aug 12 #352250 by khan72
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I disagree. Keeping the children out of conflict is the duty of both parents. The parent who repeatedly fails to do this should not be allowed primary residence.

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