Husband refusing to leave marital home - help

Hi SexySadie
thanks. The abuse is an issue, and I had called the police because of it. It is not physical, but is overwhelming in terms of aggressive, manipulative, controlling and threatening verbal attacks. He has switched from shouting rages, to cold short statements, sometimes in front of our daughter, but less now as stop him straightaway. I know that if I try to move out he will most likely not return our daughter after her next time with him at the weekend. Our daughter will also want to be in her home, and so she won''t understand it, and he will twist the situation. He has no qualms about filling her head with bad comments about me, the main reason I am getting the divorce - I can''t have my daughter growing up seeing her mother being verbally attacked and criticised non stop, treated like dirt, - it will damage her view of relationships and self esteem. I''ll take your advice and phone the Women''s Aid people you suggest. Thanks so much for replying,
J

This is a reply to Haldsad.
The main priority of a Court, as I have explained, is that both you and your husband should have somewhere to live.
In particular the Court would prioritise the needs of the children, which indirectly means that the parent with care has priority. That probably explains why your husband is fighting so hard for custody, if I can use that term.
But your children are 10 and I would expect that you would finish up as the primary carer.
You say you have investigated your finances and are happy that you could afford to live in the FMH.
There is obviously an issue about where the children are to live and it looks to me as though your husband will not give up without a fight, but I believe that, give that the children are 10, and the nature of your husband''s employment, I would expect, on the face of it, that the Court would rule against him.
LMM

Thank you LMM.
Until recently i would have agreed with you. I have been the primary carer for the past 10 years and would have been confident that my children would have accepted residence with me as the best option...however things have changed markedly of late. My son is a keen footballer and (if things are to be believed) he has a chance of being spotted by a larger club. He lives for football - every day, night and weekend. My ex has basically done the mind game manipulation thing, and has completely turned my boy against me, on the incorrect basis that if he was with me full time then i would not permit him to carry on his dream. My daughter (twin) has suffered for the past few years with football dictating her life as well, and as my ex is football crazy this has been of no consequence. I take my part of responsibility in this (make no mistake - i feel dreadful) but the fact is that i have been controlled and submissive to his every decision for the past 14 years and had become a sad participant in acquiescing at every turn. Obviously i now wish to make amends, having stood up to him and started to move on, and part of this is to offer my daughter a life too. This is where the twins dynamic kicks in. My daughter has adopted almost a parental protective role over my sons football, and last night (the first under the same roof for 5 months) was a complete nightmare - with both children screaming and challenging me for hours. I was emotionally and psychologically exhausted by the end of it - and was very close to walking away. To see the damage caused as a result of my ex exposing my kids to adult constructs and at the same time applying his manipulative lies to every element makes the whole situation very difficult. I am caught between a rock amnd a hard place....if i leave with the kids, i have nowhere to go & he stays in the house, claiming to offer a stable and familiar family environment for them. If i leave on my own, i compromise my own case for residency; if i stay under the same roof as the man i despise (who also knows me inside out and every button to press) i fear for my own safety and sanity. I may have mentioned that as a result of him stealing and selling my wedding rings, i have made a police complaint....and as you can imagine, the fact that he has lost control of both me and what happens with that matter...he will be looking for the first opportunity to make counter allegations or worse, spurious and dangerous complaints against my new partner....something that we have been warned that he is already taking steps to do. Having spent the last week with the children (school holiday access and all that) he has instilled in them such utter contempt for me based on lies and misinformation, were the CAFCAS officers to approach them now, it is my belief that they would probably say that they wanted to stay with their dad. This is a certainty in respect of my son. Every day is a living nightmare - with him coming and going, whistling and singing and making utterly sickening overtures to the children in an effort to make me feel completely worthless. I have seen a new side of humanity in his desperate attempts to control me, the children and everything we ever had....and i am finding it very difficult to stay focussed on the fact that i believe that there is more to life than superficial satisfaction. Unfortunately, the children are even less able to appreciate the potential damage that he is inflicting on their futures, and despite my knowledge of all the above, there does not seem to be a definitive way out where my children and i can start to enjoy a fair and safe life. I would like to make clear, that at no time have i every sought to prevent them seeing their dad - far from it - but unfortunately his sole intent at present appears to be a single focus on destroying me and my future as systematically as possible - at the expense of anything and everything - except himself.

My apologies if this sounds slightly self indulgent - it is not meant to be - but i still search for a solution where i can be safe, away from him and free to start my new life (with my children as a part of it) after the hell i have been in, and continue to live in.

Halsdad

Dear Halsdad
I just read your post, I hope you can hang in there. I am in a similar hellish situation, and the solicitors I asked about it said there is nothing I can do, but they don''t seem to understand what torture it is to be forced to stay in a house with a bully and controlling manipulative ex, and the impossible situation it puts my daughter in (aged 10). Our court case isn''t till January! My ex keeps saying the CAFCASS report said my daughter wants 50:50 time (she was put on the spot and didn''t want to sound unfair and so she said equal time with each parent, but he has never been there for ten years, he''s been away working...). He now tells me he''s going to work from home, so will be in the house every day - I don''t know what to do. Like you, I can''t leave as he won''t let me take our daughter. I am frightened of him, and feel trapped and helpless to do anything about the situation.

Has anyone given you any tips on what to do to counteract the manipulation of your children by your husband? this is what I want to try to sort out - my daughter seems so angry with me each time she has spent time with her father, all his mannerisms and phrases come out through her, its horrible, and I know its not her fault. I refuse to badmouth him in front of her, as I think that is not good for her, but I don''t know what to do - I am thinking of getting counselling on this issue. I don''t know how to get through the next 6 months, its overwhelming and hell. I hope you manage somehow, and if I find out any tips I''ll fill in another post. I was hoping someone on this website would have tips.

Hi JulieP
Is your situation sorted?
Mine is not
If you are still following these posts, perhaps we could chat some more?
Hope you are doing better
Halsdad

Hi Halsdad
wow, what a coincidence - I am just preparing for my Hearing - typing up a position statement for occupation order hearing this week.

Had a nightmare with the children''s hearing - the court awarded a very complicated joint residence order, so my poor daughter shuttles back and forth between me and her dad. The judge thought it would be fair to give her father a "chance to change" (he has never been involved, or shown an interest in looking after our daughter, travelled the world for his job, and if he was in the country would return at midnight). Judge awarded him 6 nights out of every 14 ! I cannot understand it, and the impact on our daughter has been awful. I''m not sure I have the energy to go back to court about it. The judge kept saying "If it was me getting divorced" - he kept putting himself in my ex''s shoes, not realising that my ex is NOT a family man, has never rushed back from work to see our daughter, and never got involved with looking after her in ten years!

My ex is occupying the house (we jointly own) - I am living at my mum''s with our daughter, but its an hour''s drive to school each way (instead of 5 minute walk). I''m driving 16 hours a week, as I also have to drive on from school to work. My back is killing me, and I am exhausted. I have no life living in my mum''s house. We are constantly packing bags for my daughter for her overnights with dad. It is all very very stressful, with no end in sight. My ex managed to delay the financial hearing even further - November date now! the original hearing was supposed to be January 2012! its a farce.

He is still doing his best to undermine me, criticising me to our daughter - my daughter is still very aggressive to me, copying what she has heard her dad say over the years. But I must say its getting better slowly. I think she is tired and frustrated on week nights, and doesn''t like the shuttling back and forth. I''m not sure what to do about it. I think I will go to the GP and see if they can recommend some kind of counselling regarding her aggression towards me, copied from dad - I need to learn how to respond to my daughter, to get her away from this pattern of behaviour.

so not very good news yet from me, are you faring any better?

J

OMG !!!!
For your situation - read my situation!!!
Same with school run
Same with court order re:shared care
Same responses from children once coming back from being with him
Same same same
He''s tried everything to screw the kids up and also withhold/delay and frustrate the settlement & divorce etc.
l am off work due to stress - have tried counselling & hypnosis with varying results....its a nightmare on a daily basis.

Couple of differences -
We go back to court on my request next month as he kept changing the court order agreed back in Sept last year - i want it formalised permanently to give me some stability and avoid his control of my time.
I have a partner - and my ex utterly hates this fact and has tried everything to ruin him too
I have a rented property (work 2 days p/w) and struggle by on benefits at the mo with the help of friends and family.
I absolutely know the pain you are experiencing, and i find myself on the edge nearly every day - and i mean that as i say it.

I''m glad i live in my own place but moved just last week to be a bit closer to my mum and also the children''s school (only 15mins now - not 45 each way).....and STBX has not taken this well. He has been harassing me constantly and the latest is that he refuses to let me speak to the children when they are with him....and if i call him - then he reports me to the police for harassing him!! He is despicable!

Anyway - the upshot of all that is that i have had to attend the police station on 3 occasions as he constantly tries to control my life and contact with the kids, but thankfully, the officers seem to understand the man he is.....he is, after all, a police officer himself!!
The one glimmer of humour was last night as i was in the middle of giving my latest statement that he wont leave me alone with his demands and control, the officer had my phone - and sure enough - he texted me. Quality. What will be will be, but i would dearly love to see someone tell him officially to leave me alone!

All i want is to fulfil what was my life''s ambition - to be a good mum - and be happy being it. At the moment, there are days i feel so lost that i find myself thinking i have nothing left....and of course this is very difficult for all those who are trying to support and understand me.

People have been great - bf/family etc - but noone really understands how this cuts you up inside when it is your life in the masher, do they?

Its very reassuring to know (unfortunately) that someone else is going through a similar situation. I would be more than happy to chat about the counselling etc if you wanted to....

Halsdad

(My name is Charlotte or Charlie btw)