Husband refusing to leave marital home - help

Hi Charlie
great to hear from you. Sounds so similar, what a nightmare we are going through! Like you, I just want to be a good mum, and get on with life. Glad to hear you have a new partner though, at least that is light at the end of the tunnel and a new future. Everyone keeps telling me to get on with my life, but I haven''t the energy to find someone new at the moment.I don''t want to ever be controlled by someone again as I was for 13 years!

it must be hard dealing with someone who is a police man! I found the police very kind when I had to call them, or go and speak to them. But my ex suddenly started calling the police too, and saying I was harassing him - it was awful. I applied for a non-molestation order, and then so did he! the Court seems to have ignored the applications as they weren''t mentioned at any hearing. He did however get the message and has stopped texting me, now I just get emails from him, but still accusing me of things, but I now ignore these.

It sounds like things are improving if you are renting near the school, what a relief.
I know this is what i have to do somehow.
My big problem is that I can''t afford the rents in the area, and don''t think I qualify for benefits. I''m struggling to keep going at work, I can''t cope with the work load and all the stress, and need to cut my hours. I keep doing excel spreadsheets to work out if I can afford it, and it just doesn''t add up, I can''t afford it. It is so frustrating. I think I will try the citizens advice bureau and see what is possible. Maybe if my salary drops they will help with housing benefit.

One good thing recently was that I contacted the child support agency, who arranged that my ex would start paying me some money for our daughter. I haven''t received this yet, but its due soon and will help. It will be his first contribution.

What you say about no one really understanding is true. No one around me understands at all, and I don''t like to impose on them, and burden them with what I am feeling. I did try to talk to a few friends, but they didn''t seem to understand what it feels like. They seem to think its a minor trouble to get past.
I have used hypnosis, it is very very effective, its what keeps me going. I look at the positives in my life, and put things in perspective. It works. How are you finding the counselling?

Living at my mum''s is very difficult, as she is very demanding, and constantly puts me down in front of my daughter and undermines me. I go from stress at work, to stress with my daughter, and my mum constantly criticising me. It is a repeat of my marriage - my mum doesn''t understnad the damage this does - my daughter has only ever seen people criticise me - first her dad and now her grandma. It is a complete nightmare.

I have a faint hope that maybe I will be granted occupation of the house, but given the way everything has gone, I don''t think so. I cannot understand how a man can think it ok to sit in the family home, while his daughter has to spend hours driving every day. He could easily afford to rent in the area, and I could live in the house.

From your message it sounds like you are in a similar situation - waiting for the financial hearing - are you trying for an occupation order?

It sounds like you are having difficulty with your ex not sticking to the court order - so far my ex has obeyed it. We had an issue with my ex constantly texting my daughter, which kept her glued to the phone, and not able to relax - the judge said I should take it away from her, and ruled that there would be no text messages - this was good. Might be worth you requesting something similar if he tries to interrupt your children''s time with you? My ex still phones my daughter every night, and it used to put her in a bad mood, less so now.
I have problems phoning my daughter when she is with him - she is given no privacy, and is surrounded by his relatives and him when I call - and she feels she can''t talk. I don''t want to put her in an awkward situation, but at the same time I need to be able to talk with her.

I can''t understand why the judge gave a 6:8 split - my daughter really really needs me at this age, there are so many things I support her with - and her dad simply doesn''t. He is so wrapped up in his work, and never had time for her before. Even now, he takes her to his mum or sister for them to look after her when she is supposed to be with him. I cannot understand what the judge was thinking. If this is the way for the future, I feel sorry for the children. The judge should be looking at the pattern of care during the child''s life, and not completely change it because of some artificial concept that it should be equal time with both parents. I think it is fair if that has been the case during a child''s life, but absolutely not right if this was never the case before. As you can tell, I am very angry about this, but feel powerless.

What time split was granted for you?

bye for now, have to go,
I''ll let you know what happens at the hearing,
best wishes
Julie

Hi Charlie
just wanted to update you - my court hearing for occupation order was a breath of fresh air - the judge said that ex was not putting our daughter''s interests first. Ruled that ex must leave the house, and can only stay there when he is due to look after our daughter. This will carry on until financial things are sorted - probably another year. Ex ordered to pay the mortgage.
So I get to move back into the house! such a relief, no more hours of driving to and from school every day! apparently ex cannot enter the house when I am there as this would be contempt of court and judge said he could be imprisoned. ex was furious. Downside is, the house is a mess as he has been living there for best part of a year alone - thick dust, jungle in the garden - so I have to do a deep clean. But I am so relieved - quality of life for my daughter and I will be so much better.

did you try to go to court about occupation of your house? or is it a non-starter?
I hope things are getting better?
Julie