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My OH''s daughter doesn''t want overnight contact...

  • loveourmum
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07 Sep 12 #354541 by loveourmum
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With all due respect to parents either mother or father regardless of who has custody (if that is the correct term in these days!)

I am a 50 yr old woman/mother/grandmother who has lived this life!

The message that I am taking from the OP post is that everything was going "ok!" until the said venue of where the overnight stay was taking place was changed (feel free to correct me if I am wrong.")

Grandparents (in the majority of cases) are the most valuable aid to children whose parents are going through a divorce. They provide a stable, loving home environment.

If this child has been removed from her grandparents to her fathers dwelling then surely some discussion should have taken place with the child''s opinion being taken seriously!

No-body is "mum-bashing" because believe you me I would be the first on this site to rant about it.

I absolutely adored my late mother and everything that she "stood for" especially where children''s rights were/are concerned regarding their NRP!


.

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08 Sep 12 #354544 by Shoegirl
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I am getting very worried about the tone of some of these posts. Not just this one actually, there are others where people on this site think it is appropriate to be overly critical and judgemental towards others.

It''s a support community isn''t it? I really have heard it all now when someone actually think its appropriate to post about people "losing an argument" IT IS A SUPPORT COMMUNITY. Feel better for emphasising that point.

I thought the cornerstones of a support community were about empathy and compassion rather than whose right? Seriously, can''t we just all be respectful towards other perspectives without deriding others. Even if someone has an entrenched position by others standards, should they be openly mocked?

We all have our own stuff that we are dealing with. When a support community starts to work on the basis of people feeling they need to "win arguments", it''s not functioning to its full potential.

  • lissylou68
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08 Sep 12 #354546 by lissylou68
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loveourmum wrote:

With all due respect I am not understanding this: "he has always had his children at his mum''s house."

Now "For about the past 6 months, his daughter has refused her 1 night per month overnight contact and not given any reason as to why."

At whose house?

This may just provide the answer to your problem!

Best wishes


Sorry I may not have been very clear about the sleeping arrangements.

He stays at his mum''s when he has his children so NOTHING has changed, this has been constant for over 3 years.

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08 Sep 12 #354549 by lissylou68
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Fiona wrote:

There are literally hundreds of reasons a child might resist contact and it requires an experienced professional to work with the family to find out the root cause. Sometimes children may resist contact because they had a bad experience such as having witnessed outburst of temper by the contact parent. There are those who are reacting to their own hurt at the break-up of the family and those who find contact is boring or unrewarding. Other times the resistance is more due to the child''s wish or need to side with the parent with the majority of care.

If the mother won''t engage in mediation or family counselling one way forward would be to go back to court in the hope that an explanation for the child''s behaviour and a way forward can be found. Your husband is responsible for his relationship with the children and it would help if he could directly get involved with school and the children''s friends.


He feels he''s behind the black ball with mediation. When he suggested mediation last February, the children came to see him saying "Mum said we can''t have a holiday this year because you are taking her to court and she won''t have any money left..."

This is why he''s reluctant to go back to court, there is manipulation where the kids are involved, on her part. We have seen this all the way through. He''s terrified of losing any contact that he currently has. He''s scared that his son may follow suit because he see''s that it''s OK for his sister to pick and chose when she wants to come.

But at the same time, he doesn''t want to force his children to come if they don''t want to nor does he want his kids, himself and probably his ex to go through a very stressful court process if, in the end, it backfires and a) he loses more contact and b) they end up hating him as they see him being the "bad guy".

He''s totally, totally involved with the kids but it seems his ex wife doesn''t seem him as an equal - in her eyes she will only let him be a dad on the days he has contact, he''s not allowed to ring them, she takes them out of the country for 5 weeks a year and he she won''t allow him to make up for any missed contact (either through her taking them away all summer or if the kids are ill). Honestly we could write a book on this. He''s just at the point where he''s frightened to do anything for risk of the kids turning against him and him losing them.

ps. to the poster who made a point about his son''s school and friend - that incident wiht the phone numbers was a one off, his phone was in for repair so we didn''t have access to any phone numbers and with regards to school, he''s faced an uphill struggle with school to get them to include him in newsletters etc, he''s been up to the school several times to have this put in place so he''s very much involved with his son''s friends and school life. :)

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08 Sep 12 #354555 by hawaythelads
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To Lissylou,
Does the daughter still go to see him round grandmas and grandads once a month during the day?
All the best
HRH x

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08 Sep 12 #354579 by sexysadie
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Khan, if you pointedly suggest that the OP read up about parental alienation syndrome and narcissistic personality disorder then you are implying that any parent whose child is refusing contact is deliberately alienating the child because they are a narcissist. That is an implicit accusation of a lot of people here, in many situations.

In this case, as I understand it, the child is not refusing contact anyway, just overnights.

Best wishes,
Sdie

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08 Sep 12 #354589 by lissylou68
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hawaythelads wrote:

To Lissylou,
Does the daughter still go to see him round grandmas and grandads once a month during the day?
All the best
HRH x


On the night he''s meant to have them both for the overnight contact, it''s from Saturday 6pm to Sunday 7pm.

She''s happy to come on the Sunday but not the overnight part.

He''s more bothered that she won''t explain her reasons why? She''s like a closed book, when he asked his ex why she''s happy to go on holiday with school and stay in a strange environment or if she''s happy going on holiday with Dad, then why isn''t she happy staying overnight at Grandma''s/Dad''s The ex just said, "maybe she likes it when she goes on on holiday with the school..." Ouch! Obviously implying she doesn''t like the sleepovers at her grandma''s/dads. He just wants to know why in order to understand or maybe fix the reason that makes her not want to stay.

It''s only 1 night per month, surely it''s not too much to ask??

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