A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

My OH''s daughter doesn''t want overnight contact...

  • soulruler
  • soulruler's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
08 Sep 12 #354592 by soulruler
Reply from soulruler
Well I am a mother people can "bash" as I do not let any contact happen with my sons father.

Our daughter lives with me and goes to see her father when she likes and our youngest son lives with his father and absolutely does not want any contact with me or it would appear his older brother as he has not requested it (that really upsets older son).

Additionally, which I feel very very sad, our youngest only has contact with his father, his step mum and her extended family but has no contact at all with his own real extended family.

He has no contact with my Mum, he has no contact with his paternal grandparents and he has no contact with any of his real cousins.

That to me along with the well reasoned and decent post of the OP sums up to me, in part, along with others on here the true trajedy and heartbreak of bitterness and exclusion in divorce.

That said I think it is human nature and for some reason some people just have a deep seated "need" to make others suffer - whether that is their own children, their ex-s, the new partners and children of them and the grandparents and extended families which as a result sometimes get totally forgotten.

I think it really really sad but unfortunately as most of us know there are very few real answers just loads of problems, dilemmas and negotations.

  • hawaythelads
  • hawaythelads's Avatar
  • User is blocked
  • User is blocked
More
08 Sep 12 #354597 by hawaythelads
Reply from hawaythelads
Maybe she wants to sleep at home or not leave her mum that night.
Is it crowded at Grandmas and she has to share a bedroom with the little brother or Dad?
I know the mother is awkward but think this could genuinely be the kids own preference. What indicates that is she is happy to come over on the Sunday daytime.So that''s not really alienation by the mother.You wouldn''t see her at all.
Personally if she''s happy coming over Sunday daytime leave it at that if that is what the kid feels happy with and has a good time on the Sunday daytime I would be happy enough.No point in pushing her into something she doesn''t fancy.
Could have a lot more to do with have to sleep with siblings etc I know it would have been with my kids.My son was well anti sharing any room with his sister.
All the best
HRH xx

  • mumtoboys
  • mumtoboys's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
08 Sep 12 #354616 by mumtoboys
Reply from mumtoboys
what about some very....obvious incentive to stay overnight? my children think pizza being delivered is the height of sophistication, for example! Maybe back off on the ''why'' she''s refusing to stay overnight and send messages that the next overnight you''ll be going to the cinema, or ordering pizza, or making popcorn and having a DVD, or toasting marshmellows or doing nail painting... and then do it regardless of whether or not she stays overnight. The message will get back through the other child and she''ll realise she''s missed out and perhaps be more....incentivised to stay over the next time?

Personally, I wouldn''t be pleased if one of my children refused to go to their dad''s house. I love my time off and really wouldn''t want to have plans ruined by one child wanting to stay at home. It doesn''t sound like alienation if you think of it from that perspective, perhaps?

  • soulruler
  • soulruler's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
08 Sep 12 #354621 by soulruler
Reply from soulruler
Hi Mumtoboys

From what I have read from your posts I believe that you and your significant other are doing a marvellous job.

It is, in my view, a case of taking each case on its merits; I have read what a hidious time you have had with your ex and what a hideous time you are experiencing with your current complex situation - by which I mean trying to balance the emotional and financial needs of your own children along with the complex and difficult needs (most importantly rights and responsibilites) of your new partner, your partners parents and of course your partners stbx spouses needs and responsibilities.

  • mumtoboys
  • mumtoboys's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
08 Sep 12 #354627 by mumtoboys
Reply from mumtoboys
think you might have me mixed up with someone else, soulruler....my ex was (is) hideous I agree, but I have no new partner. Some way off dipping the toes in that pond, believe me!!!

  • lissylou68
  • lissylou68's Avatar Posted by
  • Junior Member
  • Junior Member
More
08 Sep 12 #354662 by lissylou68
Reply from lissylou68
Thank you all for your help and yes we acknowledge that we have to deal with a very difficult ex. I just think that sometimes if her mum was a little more positive about her dad, then we wouldn''t have this at all.

She''s very loyal to her mum and rightfully so and we see she''s torn between her loyalties.

He''s tried practically everything from trying to make sleepovers much more fun, ordering pizza etc etc but she had tummy ache one evening and then the next time she came over, we had the old negative comments, i.e. mum says you just feed us junk and it was the pizza that made me ill. ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

It''s both their sleepovers tonight, so he''ll see when he goes to pick them up and I guess he can then only play the waiting game. Maybe in time she''ll realise that sometimes her mum doesn''t always get it right and that spending time with her dad should be seen as positive but I guess this will only come with maturity.

It''s a bit of a crazy situation, we get married next year and I can''t ever see the living arrangements ever changing where the children are concerned.

It''s very difficult when you''re trying to be the adult and making them try to accept that there may have to be changes at some point down the line (regarding living arrangements, I''m not sure that his parents will want this arrangement to carry on forever) but at the same we''re constantly treading on eggshells waiting for it all to backfire if and when we do have to make those changes and make the decision to move into a bigger property and become The Waltons! :ohmy:

But we do take the positives from all of this in that he does have a relationship with his kids and that sadly is something not every mother or father has following divorce.

Thank you. :)

  • soulruler
  • soulruler's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
08 Sep 12 #354663 by soulruler
Reply from soulruler
Hi I would suggest that you get any idea (however well intentioned) out of your head about becoming the Waltons simply becuase both your and your partner but more importantly his and your kids are the result of disingaged families.

Actually, and I know it is well intentioned but children see through bribes in the end (by which I mean making fun out of trips to grandparents with pizzas - pizzas are not love they are just something you buy - think on and remember that).

Love lasts a lifetime, it cannot be bought with extravident pressents and it cannot be lost through poverty; that is an enormously hard lesson to be leart as I am sure you well know bearing in mind your personal experience with your ex.

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11