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My OH''s daughter doesn''t want overnight contact...

  • disneybunny
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06 Sep 12 #354201 by disneybunny
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Children have their own lives and opinions from an early age, 10 is the age courts start listening to them. I am of the very strong opinion that for a child to communicate well with the NPR they have to see the rp and NPR communicate well with each other.

My sons 15 and 11 want nothing to do with their father, unfortunately that is their decision andg until ex grows up himself nothing will change.

  • lissylou68
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06 Sep 12 #354216 by lissylou68
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Unfortunately that''s never going to happen unless the ex decides to cooperate.

She won''t reply to texts, phone calls, keeps him out of the loop with everything, has a special "dad" phone which is only on when he has the kids and won''t give her personal mobile to him, so communication is zero.

This is why he''s tried so many times asking her for mediation over the last 2 years but she refuses point blank.

He REALLY wants to be able to go to her with anything regarding the children but she''s not interested.

Only the other day, he asked her for a couple of numbers for his son''s friend as he wanted to invite them over as they were having a bouncy castle. He left 5 messages and texts asking if she could either a) supply him with hte numbers or b) text them asking them to contact him. On the day of the bouncy castle party, his 6yo son said, Dad I have nobody to play with and my mum said she wouldn''t give you any telephone numbers because it was your party and it was you who should get them!

C''mon!! The only person who''s getting hurt is the children?!!!

It''s horrible to watch. :(

  • khan72
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07 Sep 12 #354508 by khan72
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OH''s daughter is being alienated by the ex. Basically your OH needs to have lots of contact with the children to counteract it.
Read up on Parental Alienation - the classic tell tale signs. Such refusal is a sign.

Daughter is not able to understand that contact with OH is in her best intrests.

  • Fiona
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07 Sep 12 #354517 by Fiona
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There are literally hundreds of reasons a child might resist contact and it requires an experienced professional to work with the family to find out the root cause. Sometimes children may resist contact because they had a bad experience such as having witnessed outburst of temper by the contact parent. There are those who are reacting to their own hurt at the break-up of the family and those who find contact is boring or unrewarding. Other times the resistance is more due to the child''s wish or need to side with the parent with the majority of care.

If the mother won''t engage in mediation or family counselling one way forward would be to go back to court in the hope that an explanation for the child''s behaviour and a way forward can be found. Your husband is responsible for his relationship with the children and it would help if he could directly get involved with school and the children''s friends.

  • khan72
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07 Sep 12 #354518 by khan72
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Lissylou,

I have done a lot of reading on parental alienation. Please try the website >

www.parental-alienation.info/

Read everything. Make your partner read it. I guarantee he will draw similarities. Also read strategies to overcome alienation. His daughter needs him. She doesnt realise this yet as she is not old enough.

Please also get your ex to read up on "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". Do the traits remind him of someone? If so, he is in for a nasty journey. Support him.

I am also reading a book on the effects of parental alienation on adulthood. Its grim.


All the best.

  • sexysadie
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07 Sep 12 #354523 by sexysadie
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As Fiona says, children resist contact for all sorts of reasons. Mine did, for ages, even though I was encouraging them. Now they do see their dad and have a good relationship with him, but it took a long time, and that was because of the way he had behaved when he lived with us and then the way he behaved during contact.

The fact that my children refused contact for a while does not mean that I have deliberately alienated them from their father.

It also does not mean that I have narcississtice personality disorder (this is something quite rare so if there were as many cases among the ex''s of WV posters as is often suggested then this is a very strange forum).

I don''t think it is helpful to bandy about psychological diagnoses - it doesn''t help people to act sensibly in their own situations. It also doesn''t help to accuse every RP whose child doesn''t want to see the NRP of alienation. In any case, if a 10 year old doesn''t want any more contact than she is currently having, pushing for much more is likely to cause resistance rather than anything else.

The child concerned is in any case not resisting contact, as far as I can see. She is just resisting overnights. We don''t know why that is, but encouraging the OP to jump to accusations that her mother is deliberately alienating her is not going to help things.

Best wishes,
Sadie

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07 Sep 12 #354526 by khan72
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Sadie,
I did not say that you or others on here are alienating. Please read the post again. It was directed at LissyLou. All I asked was that she and her partner read up on it. I am sure they can draw their own conclusions. In no way am I inplying you are doing it.
And why should an RP resist overnights? Is a NRP incapable? Is it a financial reason? I am sure Lissylou and her partner can draw their own conclusions.

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