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Contact advice for teenagers please

  • fairylandtime
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09 Sep 12 #354756 by fairylandtime
Topic started by fairylandtime
Would like some advice before I stick my neck out & get it chopped off ... Especially from fathers Please ....

History

X & I do not communicate at all, I did txt when one child in hospital, only to have him post on fb (only have it to monitor kids at X''s request, on other child''s page ... That he didn''t know what was happening!!! Bit mad as untrue and keeps the victim facade for X ... Sorry if I am being harsh but this is what gets back to me by "joint" friends.

Divorced 2011 settlement etc 2012 X left 2010, first year contact wasn''t too bad, tried to get x to a schedule of contact of 3 wkends out of 4, special dates, evenings in the week (if wanted), as long as kids were home for homework / bed etc

For the first year this was on and off, generally if it was know I was out for a wk end etc then it was off, coincidence (not sure but hey oh I digress), always had a back up plan for any of my plans.

Anyway X moved back to parents home and now it seems they hardly see him, it seems to work both ways ie:

For instance X says they can sleep but then doesnt ring & when they go round X is off out with mates so they cannot sleep.

Kids say they will sleep, then they don''t ring X & arrange & then cannot be bothered to sort it out.

It is all making me rather sad both for kids who should really see X more, if this gets worse they will hardly see him & for X as (if it were me ... I''d be devastated :()

Should I try and do something, haven''t txted X since hospital earlier in year, & know it will prob be met with hostility. But I am also getting fed up of saying to kids, have you rung your dad, what you doing this wkend etc etc.

After serval false starts this wkend (Kids should of slept, didn''t as cba, X shud of picked them up at 10 didn''t was 11) they have all gone off to watch one play football, but I expect that after game both home & that''s it.

Is there anything I should do, could do or do I just forget it and forget asking kids etc. there is all this re parental alienation & I feel that they are alienating each other but there is nothing I can do!!

Struggling with it

JJ :(

  • Fiona
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09 Sep 12 #354762 by Fiona
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What age are the teenagers? When ours were about 15 or 16 they arranged their own contact with their Dad on an ad hoc basis. They preferred a base here so didn''t stay at my ex''s very much and he wasn''t at home most of the time anyway.

Both children had activities on a Saturday and sometimes their father would take them and watch. They were often socialising with friends on a Saturday night and did voluntary work on a Sunday morning. I did most of the taxiing about but sometimes my ex would bring them home. Having older teenagers captive in a car is usually the best opportunity for meaningful communication.
:P

  • fairylandtime
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09 Sep 12 #354765 by fairylandtime
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Thanks Fiona

Ages 15 & 17 ... Does that mean it is normal then? Yes I do all the taxiing, house is usually full with kids & friends, both have busy lives (p/t work, school, friends, clubs etc).

Think I will stop stressing and just leave them to it. :)

JJx

  • hawaythelads
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09 Sep 12 #354771 by hawaythelads
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My kids are going into 2nd year and 5th year of secondary school for the past year since my daughter started secondary school the floodgates were opened by the ex that she could go out to town centre sleep overs etc etc etc my older son had got into going out all the time so subsequently was lucky to see them a few hours each day of the weekend.
Alkl their friends and socialising was situated around the FMH so although I was only 3 miles away arranged for them to only be coming over one weekend in the month with the ex.I wasn''t seeing them anyway so could do without the instruction list and the restriction of being very much an unpaid babysitting service when you are committing to limited time with them anyway and still not seeing them.I have arranged with the kids if they want to come over just come.Although in all honesty they really are too involved with friends to bother even phoning most sorry all of the time.
It''s just growing up and the nrp has already been marginalised from their lives prior to them hitting teenage years just by the fact that you don''t live with them on a daily basis.If they were teens in a stable marriage they wouldn''t be hanging around mum and dad they''d be out with their mates.
All the best
HRH xx

  • MrsMathsisfun
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09 Sep 12 #354809 by MrsMathsisfun
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My boys continued to go one evening a week to their dads until they were about 18. They never complained or expected to see their mates in their dads time.

I really believe that until children have reached the age of 18 they should be expected to continue to have a regular contact with both parents and as NRP or PWC its our duty to ensure this contact happens.

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09 Sep 12 #354812 by fairylandtime
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Thanks Hathaway I supose it is to be expected but it is still sad for both my x and the kids as I think that they should see each other more, talk to each other, perhaps show an interest. X doesn''t rally know much of their lives tbh I was always of the opinion that it was us that got divorced, my x and I not the kids!!! Have tried to encourage contact, always take them / drop off and collect as much as I can etc etc.

Maths you are quite correct. And I did / do take my responsibility as the PWC to try and get the kids to see the NRP, and IMO I have;

For the kids I ask weekly have you rung dad, are you seeing, do you want dropping off, eldest often tells me he has (when he hasn''t) youngest just gunts "will do" & not not sleeping / seeing.

For X, as I have said I drop off pick up, tried to sort out contact, txted etc - get ignored or abuse so gave it, that was last year (early this year) and am wondering if to try again but don''t want the abuse again. Even use to make sure that kids saw grandparents which now x has moved back home also appears to have dropped off. If you have any other ideas I haven''t tried then I''m open to suggestions.

Think I have done as much as I can and thinking now as per Fiona''s post that I will leave it up to them and stop stressing about it.

JJx

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09 Sep 12 #354815 by MrsMathsisfun
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Sadly nothing you can do if the other parent isnt doing their part.

My boys father rarely sees them now. He doesnt contact them so they dont contact him, really sad, but I know that until they were 18 I made sure they had contact, now they are adults its up to them!!

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