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  • *Winter*
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11 Sep 12 #355317 by *Winter*
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Hi, my husband and I split nearly 4 weeks ago. He has, right up till he left, been very selfish and hasn''t put the children first as in spending quality time with them (ie going on single holidays at 2 weeks at a time, going away for his hobby twice on our son''s birthday, walking out of his son''s birthday party 2 years ago, not being interested in school homework etc). All of this and more has resulted in both children asking why their Dad never spends anytime with them. Now he has left, despite the children (aged 10 & 7) not wanting to see him much, he demands that he has them every other weekend and mid week (he is organising to live in a static caravan).
I have encouraged the children to see him even when they didn''t want to and have not hindered him from seeing them, but I have asked that he sees them individually so that both the child and him receive quality one to one time together (that and if he had the children together, all they do is argue and they would just return upset). That way, i have pointed out, I also get quality time with the other child at the same time and do not miss out on being with them (not my choice to split).
He is now adamant he wants them together. Would a solicitor/court order for them to visit at the same time or would my suggestion be deemed fair? He lives about a 10 minute drive from us, so it isn''t as if he had travel issues. Are the childrens wishes taken into account at their ages? Are there any further issues I need to look at for living in a static apart from the safety certificates angle etc.
Many thanks in advance.

  • fairylandtime
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11 Sep 12 #355321 by fairylandtime
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Hi winter welcome to wiki

Not sure I can help but just wanted to send my support. My situation is the opposite, kids do all the running, but they are older. Know what it is like thou when your x doesn''t show an interest, my x appeared to (me) be more interested in one child he had a joint interest in and not the other but that is just IMO he''d probably disagree.

There are pros and cons mfor having single contact with each child, but tbh it may be that it is better together as the arguments (between kids) will get less and less (eventually) and it may be better for them to be together for contact, also it gives you a break.

Your x may realise that he hasn''t been there as much as he should and thus the reason for the contact he wants now, I don''t know.

I would however, try to promote contact as much as possible but to organise it perhaps via mediation and taking the children''s views into account.

4 weeks in is very raw, I think you all need time to get over the shock of it all.

Stay strong JJx

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11 Sep 12 #355324 by *Winter*
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Hi JJ, thanks for your quick reply. You are correct in stating that he realises he hasn''t been there, but I know him inside out and it is also because he can''t engage in his hobby so much during the darker evenings, so will use the children as an excuse...come next spring, he will be off again and I will have to pick up the pieces.
You are also correct with the favouritism - when he rarely took them to the park to give me a break, they would return after 10 minutes as he couldn''t deal with their arguing and it would be our son who always came back upset; he rarely every shouts at our daughter.
To be honest, I don''t want a break from my children, thats not what I had them for. I want to be there for them - I find enough time for myself, my work etc but see it as he would be the treat, fun dad while I have to go without having fun with them.
I agree 4 weeks is very early - he is just not used to me standing up to him...by the way, he won''t file for a divorce tho!?
Thanks for your time, Winter x

  • loveourmum
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11 Sep 12 #355328 by loveourmum
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Hi Winter

Give yourself a rest!

Be the best mum that you can without stressing yourself and without putting so much pressure on yourself that you can''t reach "perfection!"

When "Dad" wants to be reasonable - he will be reasonable!

When "Dad" wants to be awkward unfortunately you , as mum, you will have to deal with the consequences!

Bear in mind your children will never, ever forget the sacrifices that you alone have made for them.

Best wishes.

  • fairylandtime
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11 Sep 12 #355335 by fairylandtime
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Winter

I know exactly what you mean as contact has also petered off for my two children partly as x moved on and partly because they have, they are older teenagers now and tbh after a week full of nagging re h/w, finding I have several more kids (friends) to feed, and deal with as our home seems to be a haven (but tbh I don''t mind this), but with work and everything I am sorry but sometimes I do need a rest from "them" or the world or just their friends etc.

A bit selfish I know, as i too had children to be with & look after them to the best of my ability (not much but all they have unfortunatly), but in my defence I am the 24/7 carer, dogsbody, confident, screaming post, picker up of socks etc, call it what you want lol. I love them to bits :)

It is really hard to be left to pick up the pieces as you say, mine have been let down countless times by x, broken promises, missed prezzs etc etc, but I have realised I cannot "fix" this but have to let them find out the hard way directly from him, breaks your heart and spent my fist "split" christmas in tears because of it but not they tend to brush it off and cope better than I do with it.

You need to look after yourself, as it gets harder before it gets better, especially if your x was controlling, I personally didn''t know how controlling x was with me, until after we split and I stood up to him a bit, even now I can pass a comment of how life was & people say wow that was harsh, I am / was the boss at work but the maid at home if you see what I mean.

Take care JJx

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