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What makes Shared Parenting Work?

  • rubytuesday
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21 Sep 12 #357137 by rubytuesday
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I would like to hear how you have made shared parenting (not necessarily equal time) work, post-separation.

What advice would you give other parents who are just separating, what should they consider, do, and avoid?

  • soulruler
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21 Sep 12 #357153 by soulruler
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Well this might not be the right answer but shared parenting has not worked for me and my ex.

I parent two children and my ex parents one child.

The youngest never wants to see me and the oldest never wants to see his Dad.

The middle one has contact as she wants with her Dad and his new wife.

I think that what should be considered is what is important for each individual child. My youngest has expressed the view that he wants nothing to do with me, I do see him on the streets and have told him that I realise this and accept his view.

I have encouraged our middle child to be herself, and with an occasional hickup from me that seems to be progressing well.

My oldest needs very careful protection both emotionally and physically from his Dad. So it is important sometimes to realise that shared parenting is not a good thing for the emotional and phyical welbeing of your child.

When considering shared or single parenting the most important thing to work out is the needs of the child not the needs or desires of the parents involved.

  • disneybunny
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21 Sep 12 #357189 by disneybunny
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Not done it but I would say communication, flexibility and a lot of hard work. Not sweating the small stuff. You don''t need to be great friend with the ex but a good workable relationship when it comes to talking to each other. Reasonably similar rules and standards.

  • MrsMathsisfun
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21 Sep 12 #357199 by MrsMathsisfun
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If I was giving advise to someone about to separate on how to handle contact.

Remember you loved the other parent in the past, that your child still loves that parent and that your love for your child will always be greater than your dislike of the other parent.

Make sure the contact pattern is workable without too many hand overs.

If childcare is required who is responsible for sorting/paying for it.

Make sure you have a discussion about clothing/toys and any equipment the child may need and who will be responsible.

Discuss how you intend to communicate meetings or email.

If any changes are required send a written copy of what you think the different dates are.

  • sillywoman
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21 Sep 12 #357206 by sillywoman
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Mathis is so right - love your child more than you hate your ex.

Sadly my ex hates me more than he loves our children and has disowned them as he cannot cope with the fact that I am their mother.

  • tinkerbell1606
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21 Sep 12 #357214 by tinkerbell1606
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Communication and understanding would be the key.
I do not have this with my ex, his social life comes before contact
I make sure to keep my negative thoughts about him & his behaviour to myself, wish I could say the same for him.
Ultimately your child''s very existence is due to the fact that once upon a time you loved each other.
My daughter loves her dad very much and I try & encourage her to enjoy spending time with him. Children see themselves as the product of the two of you, and need to be assured that what they have inherited from both makes them a loveable person in their own right.
My stance is to reassure my daughter that daddy is angry with me, not her, and that he loves her very much and always will.
What he says and does are his issues, and she will grow up and make her own decisions about the way we have behaved.
I have to say, I don''t envy his position as she matures and feels more able to challenge his negative comments, think he might struggle with that!
Tink

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21 Sep 12 #357229 by rubytuesday
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Many thanks, ladies, your input is appreciated :)

Anyone else have any thoughts on what advice to give others on sharing parenting post-separation?

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