contact, not primary carer

Morning all,
At my wits end. Been divorced for 4 years, one daughter aged 11. Spent lots if good quality time with her, she has spent every other weekend with me from day one(Fri arvo till Mon morning), plus at least 2 weeks hols a year and other times during the week. My x wife.was awarded primary carer in divorce.

I am in full time work and have paid the agreed maintenance each month from day 1 by dd, never missed a payment. I also support emotionally and financially my daughter in sch and sports, in addition to the regular payment to her mum.

Recently, my work has changed and now have to work shifts which means I can''t have my daughter every other weekend as normal, but am able to have her for a full weekend every third weekend and atleast one day and/or night for the other two weekends.

My x will not agree to this change stating it us my responsibility to arrange care for my daughter when I am at work, she is 11 and I would be at work through the night and am single and not in a relationship.

I am unable to change work pattern, and now stuck - any suggestions?

My feeling is that as primary carer it is her responsibility to adapt and change, am I wrong? I would love to switch and be primary carer but don''t she would agree, though my daughter might.

Welcome to Wikivorce.

Is there a Contact Order stating your current arrangements?

Not that I am aware of, but will have check divorce papers

A Contact Order wouldn''t be part of the normal divorce process. It sounds as though you have/had an amicable agreement over the arrangements for your daughter.

Your feeling that the "primary carer" should adapt and change is misguided, I''m afraid - you both should be prepared to be flexible and compromise.

I can''t see how you working a night shift then being shattered or sleeping the next day when you daughter is with you and you alone would be in her interests, where would the benefit for your daughter be in that situation?

Have you considered family mediation as a way of resolving this issue? What is your relationship with your ex like?

I have checked all my papers and there is no Contact Order in place.

The divorce has been up and down and still difficult.

I would be quite happy to sit around a table and discuss with her and her new partner, but she will not agree to this.

At the end of the day, I just want whats best for my daughter, and would seem to be struggling to reach this goal

You can make an appointment with an independent mediator on your own to find out about the process and the mediator can then write and invite your ex to a similar meeting. Sometimes that works and then there can be future appointments together.

For your situation I would definitely try mediation and be patient. Only go down a court route if you really can''t resolve things. For my family, the court process has made things more unsettled and worse for the kids and mum and dad ten fold. That may change in time but so far it''s been awful.

Good luck.