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Contact with Father

  • Bernadette30
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09 Oct 12 #359958 by Bernadette30
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Hi, My sons father broke regular contact with my 10 year old old son over 7 months ago Because he met a new woman and was no longer interested in visiting his son and has only seen him 3 times since then, My son has Aspergers and needs to have a strict and reliable routine. When his Father does call he upsets my son as he doesnt understand my sons ways and knows nothing about aspergers and autisum as he says its his son and he will do what he wants with him and speak to him how he wants and when my son gets very upset because he had not understood what his father is saying, his father shouts at him and my son will run and hide from his father when this happens his father then starts getting very vocal and threating to myself saying its my fault. He questions my son about everything and does everything in his power to upset my son, he also shouts and goes out of his way to be awkward and rude and he also walks around my house like he lives there. He has now decided that he want regular contact again (which my son do not want). What do you think would be reasonable contact for him to call at my house and see his son? Would one Saturday a Month for 3 hours been seen as reasonable or would it have to be more hours and more often:(

  • DrDaddy
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09 Oct 12 #359992 by DrDaddy
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To be honest, and given that your son has Aspergers, it sounds like you need some proper support to help get things back on track. It is important that he has a good relationship with both parents, if at all possible, but in the circumstances that might be difficult if you and your ex cannot collaborate on this.

Can you talk to your ex about your son, and perhaps try to work together for his benefit?
Is that possible?

  • Sjw19850141
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09 Oct 12 #360003 by Sjw19850141
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Is there a local autism resource centre? They can offer great support for you and your ex about how to handle this? I know they sent us on a one day course to help us with my brother x

  • carer
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09 Oct 12 #360007 by carer
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Hi Bernadette30,

Does your son go to Mainstream School or a Special School. Could School offer any help for dad so he understands why some behaviours of his might upset his son? Aspergers is a very individual condition ( my Ex has it ) so there isnt a ''one size fits all'' and it might be that your Ex needs to know what particular triggers he needs to avoid.

Is this in an Order? If not - would you consider mediation to try to overcome these issues? It sounds like the Father just doesnt ''get'' it and he needs to show some commitment in terms of what he is prepared to do to learn about his son.

I wouldnt be comfortable having my Ex in the house - but if this is the only way Father and Son can see each other then there isnt much you can do. I would NOT allow the Father to wander around the house - keep it to one room and provide the relevant entertainment (lego or whatever you son is into) and make it clear that the rest of the house is out of bounds whilst contact is taking place. Your Ex should respect your privacy. Perhaps you could ask a friend to oversee this so you dont have to be involved?

Maybe you could start with two hours and take it from there - be guided by your son and what makes him feel comfortable - this is about your Son seeing his Father - not the other way round. People with Aspergers get bored very quickly (in general) so perhaps start off with two hours and build it up depending on how your son feels about it.

It is really difficult dealing with Aspergers and not a lot of people understand unless they live with it - explain to dad that you are trying your best to facilitate contact but that you need him on side and he needs to put your sons'' needs before his own.

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  • disneybunny
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09 Oct 12 #360012 by disneybunny
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I would try contact in a neutral area or at least with someone else supervising. Your son may not cope as well at first but he will suffer with more conflict. The key is to build it up and work with the child. I hope your ex will cooperate. Good luck.

  • Bernadette30
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09 Oct 12 #360043 by Bernadette30
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My sons Father wont accept that my son has Aspergers, He says the Doctors and specialists don''t know what they are talking about and that he will do what he wants with his son and doesn''t care what anyone says. Well I''m not prepared to put my son in that position as it is not fair on him and I have tried to get my sons father to come and see people with me so they can explain how things are and in polite terms he says he is not going to see any do gooders that know nothing and tell him how to be with his son so I dont know what else I can do, My son has coped so much better since his dad decided not to call and he is a much happier within himself but now his dad has split with his girlfriend and has nothing to entertain him he wants back in my sons life every week and my son doesn''t want that

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09 Oct 12 #360049 by carer
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Hi Bernadette30,

As long as dad is in denial about your son''s Aspergers then things just cant move on can they.

I am at a loss as to what to suggest now as if your Ex refuses to listen to anyone he really isnt putting his son first is he.

You didnt say whether this has been to Court or whether CAFCASS has been involved. If the answer to both is yes then that gives more options on how to move forward but its difficult to advise without knowing the above.

Carer

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