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abusive ex stalking our teens

  • jar of hearts
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10 Oct 12 #360123 by jar of hearts
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This is a difficult problem and I am not sure how to handle it. I have been, and in fact still am, going through a terrible time with my ex. We have had major problems with the financial settlement which culminated with the judge having to write the order unilaterally four months after the final hearing as ex wouldn''t co-operate. My ex is a very controlling and abusive man and is using the court system to continue his abuse of his family as his nose is seriously out of joint now that I am taking control of my own life and he cannot torture me any longer. He has failed to pay the SM awarded, as predicted since he also tried to avoid paying child maintenance until I forced the issue with CSA and still tried to avoid the issue. The two years of hell are now reaching an end at last, or seem to be, and I thought I might be able to start to be free of the abusive bully.

My children, youngest 13, have not seen their father since we moved out of the house to a refuge more than 18 months ago. They were also victims of his emmotional, verbal and sometimes physical abuse and have all stated that they have now wish to ever see him again. They have written letters to him asking him to leave them alone and he has done so more or less with some of them receiving a christmas or birthday card, some not and a very occasional gushing e mail telling them he loves them, which is completely out of character. The girls have either ignored any sporadic contact or if he starts threatening or blackmailing they respond and ask him to leave them alone. In the past he has been arrested for an assault on my youngest which I chose not to pursue as I didn''t feel it was in her interests to have to testify against her father when the rest of us didn''t see the assault, but did hear it, so wouldn''t be a lot of help in court. He however, did report one of his other daughters to the police twice for assaulting him when she lashed out to defend herself against him. The children are scared of this man and want to have a chance to build up a life without him. He has never been to a parents evening, rarely been to any other school event and has shown little interest in their lives or hobbies. Then almost on the day that the sale of FMH went through and we moved away he called the childrens school demanding exam results and the like. The school sent reports out but had to ask the childrens permission to release their exam results as they are over 16. The The children did not give permission but now ex is threatening the school with all manner of repercussions if they don''t co-operate and give him every detail.

I can see now that this is just his next line of attack to get at me as he is completely obsessed with me and only doing all this to continue his control of my life and to try and find out where we are now living as we have moved away, those of us how can have changed names and we are doing our best to hide so that he cannot come and abuse us further. I am scared of this man who, on our last meeting to exchange possessions, refused a meeting in a public place and then tried on the day to trick me into going into a private locked car park completely against my wishes. My solicitor has been through the journey with me and also feels that I am not safe around this man as he becomes more and more deranged and unreasonable.

My problem is this. At the start of the proceedure many months ago I tried to encourage the children and ex to repair their relationship and to improve matters so that the children would have the benefit of their father in their lives. Unfortunately, the ex rfused to make any effort in that direction until many months later when he had already completed the total destruction of their relationship first. These are not young children who can be hoodwinked or persuaded into a relationship, but young adults with their minds made up. What I need now though is to be able to stop ex trying to upset their lives which are now for the first time ever becoming more normal. We are all very much afraid that ex will find out where we live and that would terrify and unsettle us all.

I am asking if there is a way I can protect the children and stop this man that they do not want in their lives, from obtaining details and insisting on involvement. I have skimmed over a few basic details here, but I am genuinely scared of ex and need to protect my children.

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10 Oct 12 #360127 by Sjw19850141
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I''m so sorry for your situation, if it was me the first thing I''d be looking for is a non mole station order, I don''t know how he would react to this but it''s a start, could you perhaps talk to someone like women''s aid? They are very good with this sort of thing and might be able to guide you through the legalities better than me, but I would make a log if every event with him and I''d be seeking some serious legal advice if not police if you believe your lives are in danger x I''ve been where you are to an extent only My son is only 6 so it''s a little different as the court have ordered him to have various contact which didn''t go well at all but of course my ex doesn''t accept that it''s his behaviour that''s caused my son to feel afraid of him, it must be me alienating him! Lol , just be aware that might be your exs next move, but I would seriously try women''s aid, a good sol and the police x

  • disneybunny
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10 Oct 12 #360141 by disneybunny
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Hugs. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change an abusive bully. Luckily in your case the children are older so courts should not push contact, my case is similar except my youngest is 4 so ex uses her as a weapon to beat me via the courts. The hope I''m clinging to is legal aid being stopped soon so he cannot keep going back to court.

Two years is a long time to be trying to escape trust me I''ve been there, your energy levels get trashed. Kids seem to do better than adults, my oldest lives his life in the knowledge he is free from his father, he has gone from strength to strength since ex was booted out. The courts forget children know their own minds and telling a kid over 10 to see someone they can''t stand the sight of is like trying to nail water to a tree.

Be positive you escaped, the kids are older. May or may not be helpful to know my ex was much less brave in his abuse when the boys stood up to him. Hitting a small woman was one thing trying it against a full grown man is another, trying it against 2 he has no chance. You are a unit to get at one he has to get past the rest. Stay strong.

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10 Oct 12 #360161 by ffc1991
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Feel for you i really do He''s obviously just trying yo keep that control he used to once have. But I think the title is wrong as from what you''ve written he isn''t stalking your teens at all just being a comple and utter dickhead.

  • jar of hearts
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11 Oct 12 #360327 by jar of hearts
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Thank you for your support, I really am at my wits end now and I am completely and utterly drained. I just start to sort out our lives and get a foot on the ladder to normality and this weasel (apologies to small furry animals) pops up again trying to force his way back into my life. My children start to feel more confident and begin to come out of their shells only to be shoved back into a life looking over their shoulders. There seems to be little or nothing to be done until he finds us and turns up at our house or at the school at which time I will call the police and proceed through the courts. My solicitor advises that I wait until that happens as he would love me to proceed into the court system as he relishes the conflict. If I start the proceedings I will also pull him towards me and open my details up to him on court documents, so I am probably better to wait so that I can hope to remain ''hidden'' from him if he cannot find me himself. Not an ideal situation and it leaves me feeling rather wary, but I can see the logic of it. I will contact the children''s school and advise them what is going on so that they are on the look out for him approaching the school and someone letting information slip without our authority.

When I agreed to marry this man(?) all those years ago I had no idea I would end up as the main character in a very spooky horror film. If only I had known then what I know now!!

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11 Oct 12 #360353 by Sjw19850141
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I know love, you mustn''t think like that or blame yourself, we all wish we''d known what they were like before we did it, all we can do now I''d be there and pick up the pieces, how about you? Who''s looking after you? I know that''s probably a very alien concept to you right now but you need support and looking after too! And I know how hard it is to accept that but do let someone in and allow them to look out for you just as you look out for the kids x good luck love x

  • GETTING STRONGER NOW
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11 Oct 12 #360457 by GETTING STRONGER NOW
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Our situations are so similar except I could not see the controlling and abusive behavior until I no longer had to put up with it.
My ex thinks he was the perfect father and husband and believes that the children don''t want to see him because of the things I have said, according to him he has been a good father. he has now taken the matter to family court and is requesting a contact order but will only agree to a non supervised order which scares me a little.
The only issue I have is that I am not preventing the contact so why do I have to defend it?
I really feel for you.Sometimes it feels like I''m all alone, I don''t like to discuss how I feel with the kids because I don''t want him to use that against me.I think my family are getting fed up of hearing me as they told me he was no good years ago. it was only when I caught him red handed having an affair that I stood upto him.
I keep hoping the hell will stop but each time I do he throws something else at me... Stay strong

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