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ex considering moving away from area

  • tdiv3389
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14 Oct 12 #360863 by tdiv3389
Topic started by tdiv3389
Hi All,

I could use a bit of advice.

I separated from my ex in 2010, after a fairly unpleasant process we finalised the divorce (including finances) around Easter this year.

We have two children, girl (9) and boy (6) both of which are at a good primary school. There is no contact/residency order in effect - we have a private agreement that they stay with her during the week and we alternate weekends. In addition the kids stay every Friday night with me through to lunch on Saturday and then one week during each of the holidays (christmas, easter, summer)

My ex has some mental health issues and believes that there was domestic violence in our relationship - she has apparently made numerous reports to the police since we separated (although they have never spoken to me) and at one point she got social services to suspend contact for about a month. While I''m clear that there never was physical abuse, it is something she genuinely believes as a result of her mental state and this can make her very convincing - ultimately I had to record all contact with her for a period of about 18 months as a defence against these alegations (some of those recordings where shared with social services).

We both live in Yorkshire - her parents are in london (as is her new partner) and my parents are a 2h drive north. We''ve both lived where we are for about 18 years and have a social network of friends (although my ex seems to have burnt quite a few of her friendships over the last 2 years)

My ex has a new partner who primarily lives in london, but seems to stay most weekends and quite a bit of mid-week time in her house.

The kids are in a good primary school, but the secondary school catchment for where my ex currently lives isnt good.

My little boy is lovely but he''s really struggled to make friends and only has a couple of kids that he plays with.

On friday this week my little boy mentioned that my ex is talking about moving house a long way away - and then my daughter got very upset as their mum had told them not to tell me as she didn''t want me to know.

I''m not exactly surprised by this latest development (part of the reason I''m renting at the moment is that I''ve half expected it). But on a purely personal level I''d prefer it not to happen.

I see a number of issues

1) changing school is a concern of mine for the kids - particularly my son. I suspect this is less of an issue as they are both primary age.

2) contact would clearly be affected - either it would be seriously reduced as a result of distance or I''d need to move and find an alternate job (I''m assuming that she''s looking at london in which case this ought to be practical given my skill set - although not something I really want to push).

Ultimately I would much prefer the kids to stay where they are - I had a fairly disrupted childhood with moves and I''ve always wanted to keep them in a single set of schools.

Having read previous threads on several sites there seems to be a really mixed view as to if this is something I can affect. I appreciate that the first advice will be to talk to my ex - and while I do intend to do this my experience is that she''s unlikely to consider anything other than her own viewpoint.

I''d like to make it clear that I''m not trying to run my ex''s life, who she sees now is her business and if she was moving house within a reasonable distance of me and the kids schools then I''d not have anything to say on the matter.

I''d therefore appreciate some views on what can/can''t be done.

best regards

Tom

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14 Oct 12 #360878 by rasher
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Tricky - if her parents are in London and shes headed there (as you suspect) she can argue the need for their support etc. Could she financially relocate and set up a home in London?

Contact wise you could still do the week long contacts but the weekends could be a little affected - you could certainly make that issue that needs careful attention as she would need to be part of facilitating contact which means sharing the travel. Is she going to accompany the children on train every other friday to get them up to you?

I would avoid suggesting you would move until you are absolutely certain of what she is proposing - I assume you financially support the children therefore there is no automatic assumption that you would move and disrupt your job.

How does handovers run now given your concerns about your wifes previous and intimated allegations that you are capable of DV?

If the worst happens - school transfers are best managed in primary school I would say as the environment is much more supportive. Presumably the mother is also concerned about getting a good secondary school for the children and would therefore be moving with this in mind. Good London schools are heavily over subscribed she will need to do her homework on this.

Does ex rent or own the house she now lives in?

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14 Oct 12 #360880 by tdiv3389
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thanks - I share most of your thoughts already (especially about the schooling).

Ex owns our former home outright (rough value £250k), I''m sure she''d argue that she was looking for parental support but in practice she doesn''t really get along with them well (its why we lived 200+ miles from them)

I''m certainly not going to offer to move, and even if I did I think contact would be significantly affected due to cost of rental properties down south (i.e. I''d need to move from a 3 bed with garden to probably 2 bed with small yard).

Yes I support both her and the kids - she doesn''t work (and claims to be unable to do so due to ongoing depression)

Mostly I just dont know if there are any options apart from hoping

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14 Oct 12 #360883 by rasher
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Well if she doesnt get on too well with the parents she wont want to move in there. So unless new partner has spacious accommodation and is offering a live in option - shes got to sell the house to relocate which gives you time. I think I would register with some property websites so you get an early alert if it goes on the market without a sign going up.

If you havent got the sort of relationship to allow this to be talked out - your options are legal I would say and they dont always work unless you have a shared residence arrangement rather than a weekend and holiday pattern of care.

It is an unfortunately aspect of divorce that all too often it means both parents dont stay in the same locale. I hope it goes at a pace where you can secure your options with thinking time.

Regards

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14 Oct 12 #360886 by sexysadie
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£250000 isn''t going to buy much in London. There are some areas where she would be able to buy a pretty tiny three bedroom terrace, but not many, and not usually near good schools.

Best wishes,
Sadie

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14 Oct 12 #360918 by pixy
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As Sadie said, £250K isn''t going to buy much in London - and she will have to factor in the costs of the move plus stamp duty, so unless she has some savings she''ll be looking at more like £245K. And given that the market is iffy in most areas she may not even be able to sell at all.

If she can then she will be able to buy something small in one of the cheaper suburbs but I doubt it will be anything like up to the standard of her existing home.

Maybe she is planning on moving in with the bf? Or adding her money to his so they can buy somewhere together?

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15 Oct 12 #361137 by tdiv3389
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to an extent I dont think the property cost will be the major issue for her (her parents could support this should they choose, and while its possible she might pool finances with her bf I think its unlikely). Selling her current home could well be an issue - mostly because she''s incredibly stubborn and I suspect will find it hard to agree a sale (she''s much happier as a purchaser).

Ultimately however, it is financially possible for her to move.

Handover''s are absolutely fine these days - depending on her mood she''ll make a show of hiding in the kitchen, but when she has something to say she has no issues with standing and talking to me.

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