Rumours

We aren''t in court anymore. He was supposed to have a risk assement and a phsychiatric report done. He never did them, and then failed to turn up at court. The judge dismissed the order, closed the case and gave him a month to appeal.

He was given a chance to see her still, with the clause that if he didn''t attend consistantly it would be stopped. I carried on for over a year, and then he did the whole calling the police thing!

I think it proves a lot to be ordered to have a phsychiatric test done, and then for a start not have it done, but also not bother turning up in court!

Personality order or no personality disorder, I suspect this is about dealing with the guilt of not seeing his daughter more than anything else. It may well also be an indication of what other people are saying to him - why aren''t you seeing her, for example. I think many of us can relate to the extremes of lying our exs go to in order to put the blame on us rather than face up to their own weaknesses, bad behaviour, anger etc. You don''t need a personality disorder to behave like this.

I think all you can do is put people right when you see them or when they contact you. Just tell them it''s not true and leave them to draw their own conclusions. It says far more about him than it ever will about you - you don''t need to say anything at all, other than the truth.

aspergers syndrome manifests in many ways and it does depend very much on the individual and depends very much on their upbringing. In my experience i have never known lying to be part of the traits in fact the total opposite the inability to lie but like i said it is a very individual disorder.
i cant beleive anyone would tell people their own child has died how absolutely awful for you.......if that is the case i think she is better off not having contact

Hi AnnoyedMummy,

My Ex also has Aspergers and like the previous reply it is not ''normal'' for them to lie - so just wondering what this is all about. It could of course just be part of his anger or his ''personality disorder'' - not sure.

When I say people with AS dont normally lie - I mean they dont in the normal sense of the word - but if they *see* things in a different way i.e. they might accuse thier partner of being ''neurotic'' when in fact their partner is just showing emotion - but to someone with AS who doesnt understand emotion they view it as ''neurotic'' as they have difficulty describing things they dont understand. Others would then say they are lying - which they arent as that is what they believe.

Whatever the reasons are for this - and they are difficult to understand on any level - I think you would benefit from sending either a letter or an email to your Ex or maybe even asking at a DV unit - they would be used to phsychological abuse and would be best placed to advise on how best to deal with this - especially your daughter who may one day be made aware of this from some ''kind'' third party.

I wouldnt hold out much hope from the Mother either - AS is normally inherited so it could be the Mother has it which might explain her lack of empathy or interest in you/your daughter and her ability to ignore her son''s behaviour.

Carer

Khan, AnnoyedMummy''s daughter''s father has been diagnosed with Asperger''s Syndrome for some time. That is a neurological condition with which he will have been born and which in itself causes enough problems in his case. He is unlikely to have a personality disorder and it''s not going to help AM or his daughter for people on here to start making amateur sdiagnoses of additional problems.

AM, although it''s not common for people with Asperger''s Syndrome to lie, it does happen. My guess is that he is trying to explain to people why he''s not seen her and that this is the only thing he can think of. People with Asperger''s can find it hard to understand others'' emotions or thought processes so he may not realise that it will upset them or cause them to offer you condolences. What you do about it, I''m not sure, but at least now people have realised that he''s lied about this, they will be less likely to believe the other things he says.

Best wishes,
Sadie

AM and Carer - I found your posts interesting, because my stbx also has Aspergers, as does his mum. Carer, what you talk about was the hardest thing for me to deal with in the relationship. He would remember things as he perceived them at the time, not what actually happened, whereas I have a verbal memory and I''d remember the actual words that we had exchanged. And this confusing what had actually taken place with how he had interpreted it or felt about it at the time made him appear as if he was making stuff up; he constantly misunderstood me or drew incorrect conclusions about what I was trying to communicate. And this may also have contributed to his badmouthing me to his griends and family and rewriting our relationship history.
The inability to see things from a different perspective becomes very problematic when arguing with someone with Asperger''s!


SS - I think Khan had a point as AM said her ex has the anti-social personality disorder characteristics, and these things can co-exist. As others have said, Asperger''s is a developmental disorder and wouldn''t typically manifest in a manipulative, compulsive lying type of way. Could it be that he has been speculating and others have misunderstood him? Second hand information relies on that person''s interpretation of what he meant, which could be distorted.

elusivesoul, wrote:

AM and Carer - I found your posts interesting, because my stbx also has Aspergers, as does his mum. Carer, what you talk about was the hardest thing for me to deal with in the relationship. He would remember things as he perceived them at the time, not what actually happened, whereas I have a verbal memory and I''d remember the actual words that we had exchanged. And this confusing what had actually taken place with how he had interpreted it or felt about it at the time made him appear as if he was making stuff up; he constantly misunderstood me or drew incorrect conclusions about what I was trying to communicate. And this may also have contributed to his badmouthing me to his griends and family and rewriting our relationship history.
The inability to see things from a different perspective becomes very problematic when arguing with someone with Asperger''s!


SS - I think Khan had a point as AM said her ex has the anti-social personality disorder characteristics, and these things can co-exist. As others have said, Asperger''s is a developmental disorder and wouldn''t typically manifest in a manipulative, compulsive lying type of way. Could it be that he has been speculating and others have misunderstood him? Second hand information relies on that person''s interpretation of what he meant, which could be distorted.

Hi elusivesoul

Welcome to the Ex wives NT club! Unless you have been the partner or had a family member with AS it is more than a little difficult to understand. During my marriage I often doubted my sanity - because I accommodated so much AS and eventually started to mimic my Ex''s AS (this is common and is called mirror behaviour)that I used to think that the rest of the world was wrong and only we knew what was going on!

It is only now that I can look back and realise that lots of the behaviour from my Ex was inappropriate and he was just someone to be pitied rather than disliked.

Not seeing things from anothers point of view is one of the most annoying traits and caused such upset and angst that I stopped having my own point of view - it was easier to just agree with my Ex and I was brainwashed so much into thinking that it was me who was horrible and wrong that I started to believe it!

It has taken me two and a half years to break free of his nonsense and I am angry with myself for allowing things to go on for so long - but its difficult when you are emotionally attached - because the person with AS doesnt *do* emotion it makes the NT much more vulnerable - we fall from a greater height - whilst they sit on their pedestal made entirely from ice.

I can honestly say that my Ex is now no longer relevant - I feel sorry for him and feel that if he had been diagnosed at a younger age he would have had a much better chance of being a fullfilled and happy adult - capable of feeling emotion and showing real love - instead of an anger-filled depressive who is still in denial who completely believes his own hype - and desperately seeks any audience who is willing to believe it all.

The best advice I could give any NT who is trying to move on is not to feel angry with the person with AS - it isnt their fault - and they will never be able to see things from your point of view - because their traits dont allow it - so dont expect to resolve anything with them - they will always be ''right'' and you will always be ''wrong'' - you cannot negotiate with a closed mind.

Carer