Child refuses to stay overnight at father''s house.

Hello.

I have quite an urgent situation and I need some help and advise.

My son that is 10 years old, refuses to stay overnight at his father for quite some time now. Despite my best efforts he does not want to stay there over the night. This past week, and due to many complications regarding this issue, I had to call child services and me, my son and his father visited there and talked with social workers extensively. They advised that our son should not stay overnight at his father before he is ready to do so and made it clear that the father should not attempt to take him from school again unless it is discussed with me first and our son is informed (this, because his father tried to take him out of school claiming a doctor''s appointment this week that I knew nothing about).

Contact between the father and the son is encouraged so that they re-establish a connection and a dialogue. The father now opposes child services'' advise and informed me yesterday that they cannot decide where the child will stay overnight and if I do not push him to it, I am breaking the private agreement we have signed. He refuses to understand the severity of the situation and every chance he gets he pressures our son to tell him exactly when he will go to sleep over again.

Today, his father took him to the swimming pool and was agreed that he would bring him back at 6pm. The boy did not want to go because he kept saying that he feels pressured and he does not want to talk about this issue for some days (we have been talking with Child Services, the school all this week) At 6.15 I receive a message from my son asking me if he could stay over at the paternal grandmother''s house to which I agreed although I dislike the fact that his father the first chance he got he made arrangements that the child would not return to me. I am also worried that he is being pressured again and very delicately to return to overnight stays prematurely, despite the clear message that the social workers gave to both parents.

I want to know if I am just overreacting or if this is really a sign of my son being manipulated.

Thank you so much for your help in advance.

Maybe I should give some background to this so that all of you can understand the situation better:


The arrangement had been one week to me, one week to his father for 5 years now, since we were divorced. Since November, that his father was getting divrced from his third (now) ex wife, problems started at the household and our son started not wanting to go back there. When the ex wife moved out he moved in a new GF after three days, with a daughter that is 3 years old and that our son had never met before. The father agreed that the son would stay with me until the ex wife moved out and the new GF moved in. He had his son since end of November only for 5 days during Xmas and I was getting daily calls from the boy to go take him from there.

Parallel to this story is that his father started being agressive and the boy started telling me that he screams at him and treats him badly. We discussed all together many times about the situation and his father always downplayed the situation, which made me also think (at the time) that our son MIGHT be overexaggerating due to new circumstances at his father home.

Last Monday our son ran away from his father''s house and came to me. He hadnt slept all night crying in his bed and he peed twice there scared. He told me his father was telling him bad things about me all evening and making fun of me. This was after the hand over where I tried to point out to his father that the boy is very scared to be with him and he needs to start listening to him and we should all find a common solution to the problem. Two hours after I informed the father that our son was home at me (I did this the moment the boy stepped foot in the house) and I proposed to let everyone calm down for a couple of days and we parents talk between us in the meantime, the father appeared agressively at my house demanding to take the boy that was crying shaking at the stairs home with him. The boy refused, the father started screaming at him to cut the crap and get downstairs and come with him so I called the police.

Tuesday I went and informed the school of the situation and our son told them he was afraid his father would come take him from school. An hour later the school calls me to inform me that his father had called snd tolled them he is picking the child up for a docs appointement at 11. I went and took a very scared child from school and drove straight to Child Services where we both talked with social workers separately. My son for one and half hours and I for three. I agreed that communication should start again with his dad and we should all try to find a solution to the problem and they amde the father promise them that until the situation is cleared up, he should not go to the boy''s school. They also told me that I am doing the right thing, under the circumstances, and after what our son told them, to not let him stay overnight at his dad''s.

Thursday I found the father on his way to our son''s school AGAIN, so I took the boy and the father and went back to Child Services where the same things were repeated. The father refused to leave the child services building and the social workers had to mislead him in a room so me and my son would get out of there. Next day he came over to an agreed visit to take our son go-carting and the started pressuring both of us as to WHEN will the boy sleep over there again. Even though the boy says he is tired of talking about this and does not want to talk the father pushes and demands and when I say this is enough he tells me I am encouraging him to NOT go there.

Yesterday, before he came to pick the boy up, he called me and told me that Child Services have no pwoer over him, nor does the school, that after Child Services talked to them, the priniple called the father and told him he is NOT to take the child out of the school. We agreed on mediation but he says that he wont wait until this is settled to have his son back at his house. Then the issue with the overnight stay at the grandmother happened.

This is very difficult for me. I cannot be seen as prohibiting contact but I am scared of my son being coersed and manipulated. I feel that we are being bullied to sgreeing with the father and he wont let either of us calm down.

The boy has told me many times that he cannot resist what his father is telling him when he is alone with him becuase he is afraid of him. He wants to talk with his father only together with the social workers that have been talking to us about his feelings.

I am totally lost here...

I am so sorry for you both. My son was bullied very badly at school and he put up with so much more than a child should ever have to. To think it is your little boys father doing this is horrendous.
You know your son better than anyone and it does sound like your ex is a bully. I am surprised the SS are still encouraging visit whilst your son is very fragile. If your son does get on with his grand parents maybe it should be supervised visits to them first.
It is heartbreaking to see your child go through this. Just my opinion but I do think you need to decide what is acceptable for your son at the moment. Who knows whats around the corner, but your ex`s background does not seem to be a stable one. Very disturbing for a child that is already going through his own trauma.
Hugs to you both

Thank you so much.

I am at my wit''s end.
it is almost 3pm and still no sign from them. Disrespectful and manipulative to get his own way. The boy has a ton of homework to do for tomorrow and I explained this clearly, I also said what tasks he has to do. But it is not only about this. When trust should had been rebiult between us, first chance he gets he does not bring him back for the night and not even today at the appointed time.

What could I expect from someone that tells me openly that Child Services cannot decide what he will do and neither can the school. SS could not predict this, not to this extend.

Bullied by your own father with the help of the whole family and I have to stand here and walk on eggshells because I cannot be seen as preventing contact and being hostile... Horrible.

These ex`s seem to develop the attitude of being untouchable. My ex went to my sols to argue about the way the courts worked. Was glad that they got to see how totally unreasonable he was.
I remember the tactics the school gave my son to stop the bullying was totally ridiculous and it was at this point i`d had enough. I took my 9 yr old son to show them how stupid there safe guarding procedures were. But was heartbreaking at the time. I have to say that I stopped him going to school until it was sorted. Ironically he moved to his next school a year later, within the first week the 3 boys involved were suspended and it never happened again.
Could your son not have a phone to call you when he wanted to be collected. If this continues you need to do what your son wants, he is old enough to know and if his father doesn''t keep to the rules, than you must be within our rights to stop visits until your son feels he can cope. Stay strong for both your sakes.

I need to thank everyone for their replies and give a short update:

Son came back at 3pm happya nd smiling and said that he will start going to stay at his dad''s fron next Sunday onwards. I asked him if he is scared now? No, he is not. Was he pressured? No, he was not. All is fine now.

I am at a loss.
If the 10yo has managed to fool everyone (me, the school and CAFCASS) that he was terrified... I have another problem in my hands.

To say I am besides myself, would be an understatement.

There are many reasons which could account for your son''s change of heart, but he must have felt very unsure of his place in his father''s affections. I don''t think he''s been deliberately deceiving you, he was dealing with his emotions.

For 5 years his father had wife No3 and your son had to get used to that, then in November last it became obvious that they were divorcing. We can only guess what he may have seen and heard during the weeks leading up to her departure, but let''s assume it was probably all potentially unsettling for a child.

In an incrediblhy short period of time Dad''s girlfriend moves in, so now another person is competing with him for his Dad''s affection. Not only that, a little girl is now in the family mix and she would naturally be getting the major share of her mother''s attention and possibly his Dad''s. Your son was a bystander as this new family took shape and he probably struggled to see where he would fit in the new family and he didn''t like it. All potentially very upsetting for one so young.

This weekend he could possibly see more clearly where he stands in the new set up. The new GF may be more welcoming and kind towards him, so that at last he felt more relaxed about spending time there. He also spent time with his grandmother, so that would probably reassure him that he is loved more than he thought.

Please don''t assume you have a major problem to deal with. You son has been dealing with a daunting set of circumstances and he handled it as he saw fit at the time.

Take care not to let your anxiety rub off on him. Give it time. Reassure him that he is loved and hopefully he will have a happier relationship with his father and new family.