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My Children are now the pawns

  • Karren
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11 years 4 months ago #114985 by Karren
My Children are now the pawns was created by Karren
For 12 years now, I have tried so hard to keep communication with the childrens father pleasant for the childrens sake although I honestly detest him. I have done it and I have been so proud of myself in doing so, but the children are now in their teens and he flys them to him once a year. Last visit, they came back with many stories of their experiences. Mainly his drunk behaviour and that he had a lot to say about me and our marriage which they did not elaborate but I then said, there are court documents for you to read when you are old enough to understand. They also advised me that for the past 2 visits, he has purchased alcohol for them. Our 13 year old son was encouraged to consistantly have drinks with him cause they were celebrating??
I know he is their father and I just hate knowing that he is supplying them with alcohol and using them as pawns to attack me again after all these years of separation.I am not an introvert at all with the children and they have always received an open book from me and with it, I have tried to always throw in words of wisdom.
Although I have never had much reason to mention the past about their father to them, but the facts are: he is an alcoholic, suicidal, abuser, manipulator, you name it. Our marriage dissolved because he was once again drunk and this time pulled all phones clean out of the wall and smashed them (we lived 20 kilometers from civilisation), then came out screaming I hated him, then ran into our bedroom where he loaded a 22 rifle, cocked it, then threw it at me where I was in the living room and asked me to kill him now. I fired the bullet out the window and through farm land. He belted me black and blue after that. I had to fire the weapon cause we were in the living room beside our little girls room where she was sleeping. I was terrified. A coupla years after our divorce I did a 5 week course on rebuilding my self esteem, self awareness and relearn rational thinking etc. The divorce was over 12 years ago now, but I feel that he is currently mentally abusing me again through our children. Our daughter is now 16 and is a beautiful multi award winning country singer/performer/guitarist and Our son is 13 years old and is truly a lovely natured boy that loves racing in motocross and playing footy. We live over 2000 Kilometers from the X but I have always allowed the contact with the children. They have come thru it all pretty unscaved until now. I feel so sorry for the children now to be used as pawns for his past and ongoing issues. I just don't know if this is going to have an impact on them at this latter stage and I am finding it so hard to refrain from telling them the home truths cause he is continuing his mission with almost every conversation he has with them now. I have advised them to be wary and see what he is doing but I now feel like I'm abusing them because I am trying desparately to warn them. I know he would not for 1 second think of the damage it is doing to them. He is far too self absorbed.
He has been with his wife for 9 years now n they have a 6 year old daughter.
I have been happily remarried now for 7 years with 2 adult children added to our family.
How do I deal with this? Can someone please advise me cause I am terrified this will ruin these beautiful children. Our son has cried to me cause he is scared he will turn out like him and has asked for my husband to adopt him but our daughter keeps the issues flowing because of her love for her father although she appears aware of his antics. :(

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11 years 4 months ago #115005 by saffron1968
Replied by saffron1968 on topic Re:My Children are now the pawns
This is a horrendous story ((((big hugs)))

The children are now 13 and 16 and surely can make their own decisions now and if they decide that they feel uncomfortable going to see their father then they shouldnt go. I think all you can do is carry on being the good supportive mother that you always have been and your children will always love you. You should come into chat sometime and get some support as everyone is very friendly in there.

Take care

Saffy xxx

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  • Karren
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11 years 4 months ago #115140 by Karren
Replied by Karren on topic Re:My Children are now the pawns
Saffy, thank you for your support. I only hope that the children stay balanced in their minds now that the evil is coming to the forefront. I know how much it totally messes with my head. The only consulation is they haven't witnessed the behaviour at it's best first hand, so I guess they don't churn like I
do when he uses his manipulation. I just want so much for the children to see this person for who he really is so it is set in concrete but as quickly as it can happen and get away from it emotionally as fast as possible. I think our 13 year old son has cleared himself (not sure about emotionally tho) but our daughter is just so loving towards her family. I can only pray that God never leaves her side for a second while dealing with him.:unsure:I would love to come on and chat and I will but the time frame is something I need to work out.

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11 years 4 months ago #115154 by Elle
Replied by Elle on topic Re:My Children are now the pawns
Karren,

The children will grow and develop emotionally at different paces dependant upon many factors. There appears to be a lot of issues that they are having to deal with...are they receiving any support outwith yourself, is their objective support...I have no idea where such support can be obtained and i hope someone here can give direction as this is a lot for you to cope with.

Best wishes,

Elle x

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11 years 4 months ago #115179 by Karren
Replied by Karren on topic Re:My Children are now the pawns
Thank you Elle,
I mentioned this to our son this arvo. I went about it gently. He just looked at me and said I know you want me to try and understand him but I don't want to see him, talk to him, I don't even like him, I just wish I never met him. He said this very calmly and convincing. It didn't sound as tho it bothered him at all to say that. So I guess he was basically saying he can see no point because he dosen't want to know him. Our son has touched on this before, since his holiday with him over xmas. I emailed their father in March, only to advise him that the children are now independant with their mobile phones and email addresses so he need not go thru me anymore unless he can't get a hold of the children. I of course got a full on abusive email back. Name calling, the whole bit. I simply responded by saying I have now blocked you from my email address. I showed the children the emails so they were aware and to my suprise said I should have done it a long time ago. Since then, their father stopped putting $10 a fortnight into each of the childrens personal bank accounts. Our son saw this on his bank statement 2 days ago and threw it after reading it. I have never wanted the children to hate him, but his behaviour is ridiculous.
It seems that our daughter is the only concern here. I'll wait and when the moment arises, I will make the suggestion for her to discuss any concerns she has with a phsycologist or her guidance counsellor at the school. I'm not sure that she would. I have a feeling that she will want to feel this out for herself.
Thanks to this forum and you lovely people, I am clearing out the worms in my head so I can work thru this responsibly with these precious children. I am so so happy to have freed us from further constant misery years ago. I can now feel the weights lifting again. It seems our daughter is the only one he can hurt some more now....I don't know when....but he will. In the past our son has mentioned that he wanted my husband to adopt him, I think he meant it after today, but I don't believe that it is a good idea for now cause it will only make life more difficult in our daughters attempts to love her father.

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