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Can parents please explain something to me……

  • Elle
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29 Mar 10 #194892 by Elle
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Children expect their parents to love them, to raise them and to always be there for them when the chips are down. When a parent doesn't live up to a child's expectations the child feels abandoned. When a parent puts their needs in front of the child's the child feels abandoned and alone, even angry.

This poem is to give every hurting little girl, confirmation that no matter what you've been told or have been through your heavenly FATHER will always love you.

A Grieving Daughter
© Ebony Angel B.

She told her daughter she hated her and wished she was never born.
She didn't even seem to care that the child's heart was torn.
She blamed child for all of her heartache and pain.
Did she realize emotional abuse, can drive a child insane.
She said her child was the reason she never achieved her dreams.
Those words hurt her child more, than to her they may have seemed.
All her daughter wanted was her love and her affection.
But all she ever got was her mothers constant rejection.
Feeling like a lost child with no one to love.
She prayed to be taken away to the heavens above.
Not knowing why she just wasn't good enough.
Why when she needed gentleness she was treated so rough.
Wondering why her existence caused her mother so much pain.
Longing for her mother's love, she probably would never gain.
Wanting her mother to tell her she was a blessing.
That she was not the reason for her mother's stressing.
If there is a little girl out there that feels this way.
Just know you are one of GOD's Angels, and he loves you more each day.

  • Kimmi
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29 Mar 10 #194933 by Kimmi
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It's a little overwhelming to read so many replies :)

I have come to terms with my own lack of children and there are so many children of my family that I am not short of cuddles and love. In many ways, I am glad that there were no children involved when I got divorced. I will say this for my parents, my mum always encouraged us to see my dad, even though dad was a drug user and a drinker, he was like that when they were married and she accepted that he would be like that always. Just because he smoked and drank, that didn't mean he was going to be a bad parent because they were not together. He was still our dad and was not going to start abandoning us or abusing us because he had to look after us.

I have thought about it an awful lot and I guess the problem my parents had, was 'if it's not on my terms, then it won't be at all'. It was about control, my mum needed/wanted to bring my dad under control and my dad wanted to show my mum that no such thing was going to happen. But you know, if it wasn't for my parents, and the things they did when we were kids, I don't think I would be the person I am today. I still love them both, I always have, and I always will.

I said to someone this morning that I don't understand how when you are blessed with children you can forget how precious they are, however, I understand how easy it is to only focus on your own hurt and not see how your behaviour can impact on others.

I have enjoyed reading of the love you all have for your children, and it has really touched my heart that you have all replied and given me a greater insight in to what was going on in my life as a child.

Thanks you all


  • Angelheart1962
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30 Mar 10 #195318 by Angelheart1962
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Dear Kimmi

I read your post and all the replies, and like everyone else, it really made me think.
All I can say is that as human beings and parents, we have no 'how to' book. Parenting, for all of its rewards, is a real tough job, and being a single parent even more so. I dont think my own parents were particularly happy when I was a child, but they were 'old school' and put up with it, and I remember laying in bed on more than one occasion crying as I heard them arguing.
Now unfortunately my own children have gone through the same thing in recent years, and I regret that so much, but I can see now that when my ex and I were yelling at each other, we were so engrossed in the moment we forgot everything else. Thats no excuse, just a reason.
My dad died 9 years ago tomorrow, (so your post especially touched me today) and I still miss him. He was quite a 'Victorian' type of father, I dont ever remember him telling me he loved me, but I know he did. He never told me he was proud of my achievements, but I know he was.
I have lots of reasons to be angry at my ex, but I wouldnt stop him seeing our boys. I know he loves them in his own way, and they love him, and even when he has REALLY p***ssed me off I still happily let him pick them up and take them out.
We're all different, make our own mistakes, and have to live with them.
You sound a wonderful person in spite of your difficult childhood, or maybe BECAUSE of it. I wish you so much good luck xxx

  • Maysie01
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02 Oct 10 #227594 by Maysie01
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As this thread has been brought back to life again as it has been added to another thread I thought I'd reply.

I've been in the broken home situation as a child myself. I adored my father, my Godmother said when my parents split up it was like having a lollipop and being left with the stick as I stayed with my mother. My mother was angry with my father for him refusing to provide maintenance and she bemoaned him contantly which made me hate her. My father had always given me unconditional love, and told me how much he loved and adored me always. He never in his whole life lifted a finger for me, or did anything practically for me ever. I look back now on the days when I walked to college in torrential rain it not even occuring to me that my Dad could have given me a lift as he was at home on the sofa, car on the drive. I didn't want him to do anything, I didn't want him to provide for me financially, all I wanted was his love and adoration and I had that so I loved and adored him. My mother worked her heart out for us children making ends meet for us, and did all practical stuff that needed doing but her resentment of my father was horrid. Now, as an adult I can see that my father was an alcoholic and drank all his wages and a large part of my mothers until she could cope no longer and she asked him to leave and how she had to work beyond her energy levels to manage and bring up three children and can understand her anger. I didn't see that then. Thankfully before she died we talked this through and I know she did love me but all I remember of my childhood is her anger at my Dad and her criticisms of me. I think she was angry at me for adoring my Dad when he was such a cr*p father in her eyes, she didn't see all I needed was love and that's what he gave me. I wanted that from her too, but never got it as she was too worn out doing all the practical stuff.

Now I'm a parent and divorced. I know how much it hurts for a child to hear a parent moan about the other as you love them and the issues are not yours and yet I have to honestly say I've not managed to be fantastic at this. I have moaned though I've tried not to. Though actually not so much that xh wont contribute towards my children, which he wont, but of the fact that he is refusing to see the children and has moved on to a new life and is prioritising his new wife and her children and I'm angry about that and hate to see my children hurt. But I have to realise that while the children can moan about their Dad, I must not. It's really really hard as I see their hurt and I see how xh has walked away from his children oblivious to their feelings and emotions and it makes me angry but I mustn't let that show, I just need to listen to them and comfort them and try to be the best parent I can even though I am hurting too. It's hard though.

At the end of the day every parent will make mistakes and hurt their children. A friend of mine has a friend who when his children were born started putting money away in an account for the counselling they would need when they were older, and though you can laugh at that, there is an element of wisdom in that. We'll all enter adulthood with issues and hurts and they will help make us the people we are as adults and how we relate to others and how we get through life. They are our scars, and some of them are more visible than others. I love my children so much that I ache sometimes with the need to take away their emotional pains and emotional scars I can see them wearing, but it's not possible for me to do and so in a different way I hurt as much as they do for what they have been through. The powerlessness to change xh into someone who prioritises his children and doesn't use them as pawns, and to see their pain is awful. And to have to keep quiet about that is another burden.

Not many people set out to deliberately hurt their children, as others have said sometimes the pain we feel makes us wound others around us, sometimes we do what we had demonstrated to us. I wish sometimes I could sensor what I say before I say it, but I fail so many times. Hopefully my children know how much I love them, I tell them often enough and aim to show it, and know I am there for them too.

  • PinkDuck
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22 Nov 11 #299111 by PinkDuck
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I have just read this past post and thought how relevant it might be for the newbies on the forum to read and comment on. As a parent it really has made me think about my actions and it might be just what one person needs to read right now..

Hope thats ok moderators?

  • hadenoughnow
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22 Nov 11 #299113 by hadenoughnow
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It's fine Mwhappet..

I think it should be stickied at the top of the appropriate part of the forum :).


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22 Nov 11 #299115 by PinkDuck
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Not sure how to do that Hadenough

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