It's hard to explain in simple words the rush you get from your kids. It's not just holding them for the first time, it's everyday. Their delight at seeing all the things the world has to offer and sharing those experiences with them. The fun they provide, the innocence they have, their black and white view on things, their honesty. There is nothing that equates to that. They should not be harmed, they should not used as pawns in some pathetic and selfish adult problems, they should be loved without question and should be put first by every parent.
All we need is love! Its sad that's what you want and haven't got it. If you were here now I would hug you and probably tell you I loved you, for your honesty and sincerity, but most of all because that's what you deserve. Be strong!
I understand how hard divorce is and that was without children. I can't comprehend what parents go through when they do divorce, and I applaud the parents that willingly sacrifice their own feelings for the sake of their babies.
I can't imagine what it is like for a parent to be without their children for any length of time. It must be awful to have to hand your kids over to your ex especially when that person is someone you don't particularly like or trust.
It must be wonderful as a parent though when the kids come back to you after so many days away.
Again I ramble, and it's all guesswork on my part.
A few tears are healthy - emotional safety valve. Yes, I can only echo again what gershie says.
When they come home from school with your carefully made Christmas card....
When they see a real life giraffe and realise just how huge it really is....
When they ask you for a cuddle.... even at 17....
When they want something, so they bring you a cup of tea before asking...
Christmas morning, with eyes shining with excitement....
When you are feeling crap, and they sense it and just cuddle up to you.....
You can't put into words what you feel towards them
Friday is my 'seeing the children' day and I always look forward to it.
You ramble away as much as you like Kimmi. Your post really made me think.
I don't think many parents deliberately set out to use children as a weapon. Rather parents going through separation are often simply not emotionally available to children in the same way people who are recently bereaved aren't available to others.
In some cases at least one parent manages to compose themselves and forgo the determination of who is right and is wrong in favour of putting the children first. Sadly in other cases there is no empathy or understanding, communication between parents becomes distorted so problems are not resolved constructively causing less empathy and understanding etc. From these negative loops a cycle of provocation and retaliation develops.
The UK doesn't have a culture which encourages separating parents to address their emotional needs and those of their children. I believe routine education for separating parents, rather like antenatal classes, could reach large numbers and address many of their issues. Such classes could encourage parents to consider their children’s position and help warring parents understand where each other is coming from, and give them strategies for reducing or avoiding conflict.
For me, it has been the HARDEST job i've ever had to do...and i'm still doing. Going out to work was easier.
For me there was no rush of love at first sight with either of them. I've never seen myself as a natural earth mother too.
I don't come from a broken home, i'm an only girl have three brothers....all younger. But my brothers were and still are the "golden boys". I can still to this day remember things my Mum has done....some pretty awful...which I will not go into, and my Dad too.
Looking at our kids now as teenagers, yes I can see where I've cocked it up (not just me either, their Dad too) But I'm immensely proud of them for what they've achieved and also had to deal with.
I have a great relationship with them both, I feel better than the one I have with my own parents.
They might....well they acutally do drive me round the bloody twist at time. But their ours and I love them to bits.....especially when they are asleep
But for this divorce milarky....I could never use them as pawns against their Dad. They have their own opinion about him, I don't have to do a thing. He's done that damage all by himself.
So long as I keep telling them I love them, for me that's all that matters. I'm in protective lioness mode and will be till the bitter end.
I think the problem is that separation and divorce can be sooooo painful and when people are hurt they often respond by lashing out at others, oblivious of who gets hurt in the crossfire.
This is because the fear/anger emotions are very primitive, from an earlier time when we hadn't learnt to be more sophisticated and analytical.
Plus its often true that divorcing couples in their own private war can only see things from their own viewpoint. So they can see the damage their ex is causing the children, but not the damage they are doing.
As a parent myself I'm aware that I expected both my sons to be much more emotionally supportive of me when my ex left and only now - nearly 2 years on - can I see how awful it was for them. I mean, I was aware at the time it was awful, I didn't badmouth their dad or anything, but it was hard for them with me crying all the time.
As teenage boys they didnt' have the ability to verbalise how they felt and its only in the last few months they've been able to talk about how they feel, which is mainly exasperated with me and furious with their father!